Tuesday, May 27th, 2014

Mariah Carey – Thirsty

This will be Mariah’s 8 millionth appearance since last Friday…


Alfred Soto: Well, she did it. After several leaked tracks that ranged from excellent to good, she releases steaming garbage. I don’t understand the approach, choices, or voice. She doesn’t have the first, fucked up the second, and suppressed the third.

Crystal Leww: Mariah Carey telling dudes that they’re thirsty is some :’)-level shit.

Mallory O’Donnell: In which a mid-period Britney album track suddenly emerges from a cloud of generic menace. A peculiar strategy, executed without any real enthusiasm.

Brad Shoup: What might work on a tape may not on an album. Hit-Boy’s four-note “Niggas in Paris” slays as an intro, but irritates when laid behind a clutch of Careys trying to get elegant. Why she’d crowd so many takes into this is beyond me; perhaps it’s just to bury that hook. Once again, her taunting just comes off as mean until she brings actual social media accounts (and a string section) into the picture. This thing doesn’t lack for trying, which is definitely something I love about Mariah, but I also love when she and her team have a defined vision.

Thomas Inskeep: No, no, Mariah, you do not make trap records. Even by her own “misguided moves” standards, this is pretty bad. Hit-Boy and Mariah do not a good combination make. I’d totally believe this from Keyshia Cole, but not from Mariah. Not. At. All.

Anthony Easton: Carey’s voice has kept up, so why is the production working to disguise the fact that it might be lost? (Think about this and Dolly’s album — her voice is losing its edge after decades of faithful service, but with so little production magic to disguise what is happening.)

Daniel Montesinos-Donaghy: Mariah is too measured a presence for the “thirsty” talk to sting, too graceful to give herself to the bounce. Never thought I’d say this, but Rich Homie Quan is a better diva.

Katherine St Asaph: Carey in “Obsessed” mode, where dude’s greatest infraction is that he tries hard, something Mariah’s far too imperious to need to do. Dude’s second-greatest infraction is trying to be more famous than Mariah. Look, either these are self-evidently awesome or they’re not. “Thirsty” is deep as a GIF, but I bet Mariah really, really gets GIFs.

Ramzi Awn: Mariah Carey teasing “boss nowwwwwwwwwwwww, you tryin’ to be a boss nowww” is one of the best moments of the year, but unfortunately it’s just a bridge.   

Will Adams: Menace about as convincing as “Obsessed,” which begs the question of why that song’s template was used for this blank.

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