Good afternoon, and hello. Welcome to The Singles Jukebox, where today we’re beginning what many pundits across the globe have called the greatest end-of-year something since Pitchfork something something Radiohead rhubarb rhubarb Kelly Clarkson thingummy doo-dah “Independent Women Part 1” beeswax logjam hummana-hummana five-goal thriller at Vicarage Road.

In contrast to most other music websites, who have opted for the more traditional list format that has served the music press so well ever since Jules Rimet controversially put George Gershwin behind Aaron Copeland and Uruguay in 1930’s seminal Fin du Termin de l’Autobus du Saxophone, the Jukebox has decided to determine the best single of the year via a World Cup-esque tournament method.

40 songs have been chosen to participate – the top 16 scorers from the regular Jukebox season, accompanied by 24 other songs that the Jukebox has reviewed this year, which were voted for by the Jukebox’s writership. They have been sorted into eight groups of five, with each writer voting on two groups, ranking the five songs within each group in order of preference – the top song scoring five points, second scoring three, third scoring two, fourth scoring one, and the fifth scoring zero. Particular spice has been added to the group stages since the Jukebox commission can’t remember if they told anyone that this was how the scoring was going to work.

The two top-scoring songs in each group will then proceed to the knockout stages of the tournament, where things become slightly simpler. Two songs pitted head to head, with the song that attracts most votes in its favour going through. Songs will proceed in this manner through the second round (American sports fans may know this as the “lake of fire”), quarter-finals (“hammer of the Scots”), and semi-finals (“Lark Rise to Candleford”), before we finally arrive at the final, where two songs will battle it out to determine which is the Best Single Of The Year 2009 – or, as Americans would call it, the “Deacon Blue”.

All this will unfurl over the next two weeks – the results of the group stages will be published between Monday and Wednesday, with second-round matches following on Thursday and Friday. Quarter-final matches will be posted next Monday and Tuesday, with the semi-final matches on Wednesday, and the final taking place next Friday, the 18th of December. The Jukebox commission has announced that “something” will “probably” go up between the semi-finals and the final, “but not a third-place play-off, because they’re always shit”.

Before we go, a quick note on the name of the tournament – the phrase “Best-Off” has been used to signify that the singles in the tournament all have a certain degree of bestness by managing to qualify for the tournament. However, since the tournament has been designed for the purposes of finding one ultimate winner, the Jukebox commission has decided that said winner should be seen as being the “most best”, or “having the greatest degree of bestness”. Hence, “Best-Off” – the act of placing singles in direct competition to see which one has the greatest degree of bestness. The phrase should not be confused with “Best Of”, which signifies either that you are in a McDonalds in France or you are listening to an album by The Beautiful South.

Let the games begin!

BREAKING NEWS: The Jukebox commission has announced that the first group stage will be published “later this evening”. In a statement, the commission announced that this was because “some of us have to work for a living”.