The Singles Jukebox

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[4.89]

Josh Love: I guess this is an R&B posse cut; I kept expecting to hear Wayne or Nicki or Rozay jump on it, but nope, just five minutes of crooning. As for who is here, Future’s underused and Chris Brown alluding to events from his life is always the worst because I have to be reminded that Chris Brown’s voice belongs to Chris Brown, unrepentant asshole.
[4]

Crystal Leww: All four singers on this track have spent the summer on the radio getting seriously turnt up, and mostly within the space of r’n’bass music, so it’s nice to see them doing something a little more traditional R&B, both in terms of aesthetics as well as content. I know that “hold you down” is being used here to mean getting boo’d up, but I much prefer interpreting this song where “hold you down” is similar to holding her back from reaching her potential. What’s better than these dudes knowing that they’re dating up, than knowing that their ladies could do better? Bonus points for proving what I’ve been trying to say for ages: Chris Brown’s got jams, but he’s also redundant. His vocals are nice, but there’s nothing here that Jeremih or August couldn’t do just as well.
[9]

Micha Cavaseno: It’s an R&B Royal Rumble hosted by Paul Bearer, aka DJ Khaled. The thing is, this isn’t really an even match, or a satisfying one! Everyone’s favorite scumbag Chris Brown’s sloppy swinging and delusions of grandeur are a washed-up version of his prime, while his understudy August Alsina continues to weakly force out breath in the resemblance of sounds that, if you pay close enough attention, mimic the human voice singing. But, then again, when you’re a golem in the shape of Chris Brown’s colossal ego, it’s difficult to function like us normal folk do. Jeremih pokes in and out of the song with piping glee, more or less just having fun and enjoying the ride. Meanwhile Future, a man who is not an R&B singer but continues to be mistaken for one, mugs it up with his best charm and over-exertion, turning in a lackluster but still endearing performance. Khaled is a lazy promoter of “event records,” and yet he still succeeds. Bless his heart.
[4]

Brad Shoup: I dunno, I’m thinking there was a better way for Khaled to celebrate the 10th anniversary of “Lovers and Friends.” Maybe a Stereogum article?
[4]

Patrick St. Michel: A potentially serviceable mood-setter ruined because DJ Khaled keeps yelling in your ear before things get heavy.
[4]

Thomas Inskeep: DJ Khaled would do well to learn to leave well enough alone and stop yelling all over his songs like a more aggro Puffy. That said, I wondered when he’d do a pure R&B posse cut akin to his all-star rap records. He’s finally done one, and it’s a classic example of a record being greater than the sum of its parts. I actively dislike most of Future’s records, and have never been particularly impressed by either Jeremih or August Alsina. Chris Brown, despite his personal failings, which are myriad, is the only one of the four who I think has made some good singles in his time. But this plush R&B track is pretty much the best thing any of ’em have had a hand in. Even with the Halloween-esque stabs, this is a really warm cut, and Khaled picked a quartet of good singers (well, three, plus Future’s Auto-Tuned ass, but even he fits here nicely) to lace it. “Hold You Down” is incredibly listenable, and awfully hooky to boot. Nicely done. 
[8]

Alfred Soto: Talented performers in a joyless rehash of the least interesting pop sounds: hints of EDM, seesaw synths, hook tossed like a deflated basketball over and over. If I thought the creators clever, I’d suspect them of doing it to kill several careers in one fell swoop.
[4]

John Seroff: Leave it to Khaled to assemble the best known young R&B crooners of the moment around what amounts to half a track that he didn’t even produce. To be fair, this is no one’s finest hour; Jeremih acquits himself best with the heavy lifting on the hook but it’s something of a waste sandwiched between Khaled’s barking, Future’s warbling rhyming dictionary recitation, Breezy’s distracted verse and Alsina’s drive-through to pick up his check. The non-radio version we reviewed ends with Khaled hawking his endorsed headphones. For a cash grab as baldly presented as “Hold You Down,” that’s an appropriately romantic denouement. 
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Katherine St Asaph: As smooth and inconsequential as a Tinder swipe. DJ Khaled would be a pop-up ad.
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