Monday, September 28th, 2009

Jason Aldean – Big Green Tractor

Yes I am, aw yeh…


Spencer Ackerman: Synopsis: Girl looks fly, like crazy fly, and you want to stunt on her. So you have this Big Green Tractor, and you offer her a ride on it. Slow or fast, baby you could have whatever you like. WHY WOULD YOU COMPARE YOUR DICK TO A TRACTOR?

Anthony Easton: List of Farm Equipment that is sexier then a tractor: a) chisel plow; b) spike harrow; c) terragator; d) combine; e) hay tedder.

Chuck Eddy: What’s the point of a Jason Aldean single that doesn’t have loud Bad Company or AC/DC riffs? (see “Hicktown,” “Johnny Cash,” “She’s Country” –the latter of which is the first country hit my Beastie/Biggie/Wu Tang/Wayne-bred youngest son has ever admitted to liking). Actually, I’m not even sure Aldean’s songs with loud riffs have a point, but at least they encourage car-radio volume-knob-blasting. This just sounds slow — and Kenny Chesney’s tractor was sexier.

Pete Baran: A song like this absolutely must use its central conceit as a thinly veiled sexual metaphor. But there is no sane human metaphor that could use a Big Green Tractor as a sexual substitute. Unless there is some sort of John Deere / John Thomas switch I am not getting. And yet the line “We can go slow or we can go faster” suggests something else, because I know tractors cannot go very fast at all. Its simplicity and goofiness doesn’t quite overcome its idiocy, but it could be the best tractor based single for thirty years.

Matt Cibula: Okay in some ways but dammit you can’t spell “power ballad” without “POWER” and someone needs to tell homeboy this immediately.

Michaelangelo Matos: Sleepy country semi-seduction, nothing special at all, but the buzzy lead guitar stays in my head for minutes after everything else fades out.

Alfred Soto: Chugs along like a dependable piece of farm machinery: whenever it threatens to stall and sputter, it reassures me. Aldean’s been a second-tier country star for a while now, and while his second number one in less than ayear suggests that he’s ready for bigger things, his essential namby-pamby nature reins him in. No double entendres or smirks here — Aldean means what he sings, which is all his pleasant, modest voice can promise. The organ washes and guitar solo promise a lot more though.

Martin Skidmore: The song is negligible and hamfisted, he strikes me as a particularly bland and dull singer, and the music would have sounded hackneyed 30 years ago. Rubbish.

3 Responses to “Jason Aldean – Big Green Tractor”

  1. If it’s green, he should probably have a doctor check that.

  2. apparently, this is the first #1 country ringtone ever.

  3. Love the blurb, Spence!