Katherine probably wasn’t expecting to be highest score here. And yet…

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[2.22]

Anthony Easton: I feel sorry for straight folks, having to eroticise porn music that sounded like Bow Chicka Wow Wow. We had proper soundtracks, grinding fuck-epics of mass destruction. We also refuse to eroticise porn, and refuse to mistake sex for love.
[2]

Chuck Eddy: At least when Trace Adkins did this stupid joke last year, he called it “Brown Chicken Brown Cow.” And stupid me, I figured it was actually a song about a brown chicken and brown cow, until I read something explaining otherwise! Question: Was that “bow chicka wow wow” sound actually literally used in old porn flicks, or is it just a dorky meme that some frat boy started decades after the fact? I never even heard of it until the past few years, I don’t think. Shows up in Veronica Mars a couple times, but I watched that show years late. Anyway. Posner also comes off illiterate when saying “I can make it sound like” then never completes the thought; actual r&b losers have done that recently too, right? After a few listens I finally deduced that the music itself finishes the sentence, a’ la “Her Name Is…” by George Jones, but whatever. And the line “I don’t even gotta say ‘shit’ to make you feel alright” makes me gag some. Yet amazingly, there’s still a prettiness to this that grabs me, just a little. I apologize.
[3]

Mallory O’Donnell: Can you make it sound like something that doesn’t sound like everything and nothing in particular? Or are you just going to keep giving that guitar a handjay?
[1]

Martin Skidmore: He’s autotuned into a semblance of melody, but he’s a weak singer; the horrible old-fashioned guitar annoys; and the lover-boy stuff in his almost childish voice combined with the fatuous title comes over as kind of creepy. It’s very probably an overreaction to a smooth, bland record, but I dislike it.
[1]

Jer Fairall: Date rape never sounded so cuddly.
[1]

Doug Robertson: I’m going to assume that this is some sort of ironic satire and that it isn’t actually a genuinely heartfelt piece of music. Not that thinking that makes this any better, mind – it’s still less of a love song and more an attempt at contraception.
[3]

David Moore: This is easily the least sexy song of the year so far, a major coup in a year that already includes Lonely Island’s “I Just Had Sex.” There’s more romance in an evening alone with a Go Daddy commercial.
[2]

Zach Lyon: Oh my god if “I Just Had Sex” was a Mike Posner song it wouldn’t even be played for laughs. Has there ever been a male pop singer so bent on writing songs about nearly, almost, maybe having sex? He’s this close to begging. Song gets a point for every second I spend bowled over in laughter after I BOUGHT YOU FLOWERS AND A TEDDAYYYYY
[3]

Katherine St Asaph: Something tells me Mike’s preferred method of “jumping in it” after imbibing several shots — on a date, no less — is bound to end in unhappiness. No wonder she needs Red Bull.
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