We’ve had some technical troubles, so sadly this was denied its place in our day of awful screengrabs…
Jessica Popper: It’s production line pop, but I have no problem with that, and as long as she keeps up the quality it won’t cause Vita any problems either. She’s from Barbados, so it’s no suprise she’s being lumped in with Shontelle and Livvi Franc as Rihanna wannabes, but Vita is more rock-pop — the only Rihanna song she might sing would be “Shut Up and Drive”. I don’t know if her music is strong or fresh enough to do as well as Rihanna, but it’s catchy and fun so with good marketing she could be huge.
Doug Robertson: She claims to be a girl who’s got the young money, which may or may not be true, but it’s pretty clear that she’s a girl who’s not averse to listening to every Hot 100 radio station and picking and choosing the shiniest parts from those who’ve already blazed a trail ahead of her. This isn’t as calculated as that might make it sound though, as she’s quite unbothered by her magpie attitude to music, and is more than happy to embrace and celebrate this. And why not? It might be a bit of a mess, but it’s a glittery mess, and that’s got to count for something.
Frank Kogan: Synth hook out of Italodisco, rocked-up Laura Branigan style, and everything then whooshes amazingly into a Ke$ha cauldron of beats and bleats. And then the voice reveals itself as worn and dead, a tired rap forces its way in, and the track grinds down into dust. But for the first minute there it felt brilliant.
Chuck Eddy: If this is what bubblegum r&b plans to sound like in the impending future, I promise not to whine about it for several months, at least. One question, though: She’s fixing her hair with a what? If it’s what it sounds like, that’s worse than brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack!
Erick Bieritz: “When I wake / I’m craving the taste of the cake” is probably the best worst pop line I’ve heard all year, and a fitting introduction to a big, strident, shallow, noisy, and sort of obnoxious tune that will probably only get played at sporting events. I don’t like cake and I don’t like this song.
Matt Cibula: If Ke$ha did this song, I would like Ke$ha. As it is, this sounds like the anthem that will blare out of shiny jeeps all graduation week. Then everyone will forget it for ten years.
Michaelangelo Matos: Given how little I expect from anything Young Money related, this rowdy-AOR move counts as a very minor pleasant surprise. But only because it sounds like it was made to be both ubiquitous and anonymous at once.
Martin Skidmore: Well I guess she does rock better than Lil Wayne does, as if that isn’t setting the bar not so much low as in a trench. I don’t hear anything interesting in her dull yelling, and the song is utterly forgettable. She needs more power or bounce or something.
Alex Macpherson: Likelihood of Young Money doing a song called “Vita Chambers” even lower than Take That doing “Wiley”, or Hole doing “Kelly Clarkson”.
Rodney J. Greene: Wasn’t Taylor Swift’s first single called “Tim McGraw”? Are 15-year-olds still capable of making songs that don’t opportunistically hitch themselves to more popular musicians? This one feels even more contrived, artificially angling its clunky teen-spirit rah-rah for rhythmic radio airplay when it shouldn’t fit the format.
John Seroff: In six months, some other young American Idol clone will write a terrible hagiographic tune about Vita. By 2015, I look forward to pop culture that celebrates the previous week’s new releases. By 2030, we should hit critical mass and schism into factions of UniqueSilence and nuevo-Baroque fans. By the end of this week, I’ll hopefully have forgotten I had to listen to this at all. In short, though appalling, the system works.