The Singles Jukebox

Call him what you like, he’s still not gonna score as many as Rickie Lambert this season…

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[5.29]

Matt Cibula: T-Pain you son of a bitch, you got me again with your teenage symphony to boners. Haven’t heard this kind of hybrid (equal parts filth and froth) since R.Kelly passed away.
[8]

Michaelangelo Matos: What do you imagine his bed looks like? Double-king size, round, canopy, sunken floor maybe? The sound system, I’m sure, is sick. What’s playing? If he’s got any sense at all, not this testament to 3D bravura and deliberately goofy metaphor. It’d be like fucking to “Bohemian Rhapsody” — thing shifts around too much. It’ll kill on the radio, but not there. Probably Marvin. Or Miles.
[7]

Mallory O’Donnell: You’d think that a song named for a sex position would be a bit… salacious. At all. The only thing I wanna do in a bed after hearing this is nap. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just a bit incongruous – much like the pointless Jeezy verse. Otherwise, this is just more solidly artless cheese from T-Pain. Again, not necessarily a bad thing. Just don’t get any worse, cowboy.
[4]

Al Shipley: It’s been so long since T-Pain had a good hook (“Blame It” was just a guest verse, remember) that I almost can’t remember what one would sound like. Is this one? I’m having trouble recognizing it as one, but I’m not actively repulsed by it, so that’s something.
[5]

Alfred Soto: Since I only started paying attention during Jeezy’s wheeze, I wondered again what T-Pain contributes to songs that a second synthesizer or shrewd sample couldn’t. I don’t know whether the concept is fading or I’ve lost my appetite for it.
[4]

Martin Skidmore: I have no tolerance for the super-autotuned vocals he specialises in. The title is an unmistakeable sexual reference, and I can’t find anything erotic in something that sounds like “Sparky’s Magic Piano”. I rather like the Kane Beatz rhythms, but the singing dominates — the single drops the Jeezy guest verse in favour of more of T-Pain, sadly.
[3]

Chuck Eddy: Wasn’t he saying a few months ago that he wants to make a country record sometime? Given the rodeos and giddyaps and yee-haws and eight-second rides, I’m now worried this is what he meant. In theory, I approve anyway. In reality, I hope he actually tries to make a country record sometime.
[6]