The Singles Jukebox

Aw, you shouldn’t have! Really, you shouldn’t have…

[Video][Website]
[3.57]

Katie Gill: It’s time for the generic inspirational soccer song!!! The thing about songs like this is you’ve got to sound like you and have your own style, but push through really boring trite lyrics about not standing down and waving flags and how we’re all in this together. Shakira succeeded through her trademark vocalization, Pitbull succeeded through sheer Pitbull goofiness, David Guetta succeeds through those electronic wibbly noises after the chorus. Guetta & Larsson do their job right, making something catchy that’ll only drive you moderately insane by the twentieth time you hear it in the background of sports coverage.
[7]

Cassy Gress: I’m usually susceptible to international football anthems, but not this one. “We’re in! This! TOGETHERRRR! Hear our hearts! Beat! TOGETHERRRR!” feels like weak songwriting. Great football songs are full of adrenaline, like something you’d listen to while warming up and getting butterflies in your stomach and getting fuckin’ PUMPED. This one feels more like it’s meant to inspire reluctant soldiers to battle, and feeds in some crowd yelling to try to cover for that. Zara’s voice wanders in and out of pre-teen territory; when she’s out it’s effective, but when she’s in, yeesh.
[4]

Tim de Reuse: I mean, yeah, I understand that an international football hymn ought to be anthemic, but what’s the point in rhyming “together” with “together?” Similarly, what’s the use in the sincere observation that “there’s a playing field?” Maybe whatever committee penned this assumed that if they didn’t specify the existence of a field then the listener might confuse this song for the theme of an international chess competition and get bored. Besides that, there’s the problem that David Guetta’s tried-and-tried-and-tried-and-tried-and-tried-and-true EDM formula doesn’t function well as a triumphant singalong, and still wouldn’t even if the lyrics weren’t utterly inane. If this were a cheesy slice of early-aughts uplifting trance, I’d at least be able to respect its sincerity.
[1]

Hannah Jocelyn: I don’t need to say what this sounds like. “This One’s For You” has its moments, but then those stadium chants near the end are more unsettling than exciting, and every time the drop happens it just sort of sounds like Crazy Frog.
[3]

Patrick St. Michel: As a song, it’s totally forgettable post-“Lean On” junk. But “This One’s for You” is the theme for a major sporting event, which lowers the stakes immensely (that the most interesting thing going on in the YouTube comments is people wondering why Poland’s flag is missing is pretty telling). So even though David Guetta probably tossed this off during his lunch, I’m sure it would sound OK before penalties start.
[5]

Iain Mew: It’s nice that someone remembers Nicola Roberts, but as far as mega-successful Swedes fronting French outfits go, Zara is no Zlatan, and this is less inspired than Paris Saint-Germain losing to Manchester City.
[3]

Scott Mildenhall: With the offer of a chance to win Euro 2016 tickets, David Guetta began soliciting the public’s contributions to this all the way back before Christmas. He’s had bits of this trendhopping song, at the very least, sat on his laptop for at least half a year, and it’s only in that time that Zara Larsson has become a recognisable name across Europe. That’s not to claim she was just the best person to fill the gaps, but there are in any case few easier-filled niches than official tournament song vocalist. All you need are the right demographic credentials — in an adjoining universe, the Copa América has Pitbull and Becky G doing its theme — and commitment to the biennial fantasy of football’s complete inclusivity. Of course Euro 2016’s greatest gift to music will be the complete crushing of all the wit involved in repurposing a 90s handbag hit for your favourite team’s striker, but that fantasy is always a solid base for solid pop songs. It’s just a shame that they’re rarely spectacular.
[6]

Thomas Inskeep: Say this for it: “This One’s for You” is an ideal theme song for Euro 2016, the continent-wide football tournament, in that it’s “uplifting” (“we’re in this together”), references the game itself (“waving coloured flags”), and can appeal across countries thanks to Guetta’s boilerplate popDM presets. That doesn’t, however, make it any good. Zara Larsson is as undistinctive as possible here, sounding like “Dance Hook Singer #12,” and Guetta’s song is pretty awful. You get what you pay for. 
[1]

Will Adams: Even Larsson sounds unconvinced when she wails “WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHEEEEERRR”; I sure as hell don’t buy it. I shouldn’t be surprised, given how quickly Guetta hits cruise control on this. But I was slightly amused at the choice to turn the seagulls from Finding Nemo into the lead synth, so extra point for that.
[4]

Taylor Alatorre: In which Guetta overestimates our appetite for pitch-shifted vocals, Larsson overestimates our appetite for Sia impersonations, and the UEFA overestimates our appetite for hearing football chants outside of a football match. 
[3]

Juana Giaimo: We should invent a new music genre called Sport Songs. They are upbeat and feature strong vocals, they often include collaborations to reflect the group spirit and they have a hopeful message. “This One’s For You” fits perfectly in the mold, but the funny thing is that it was written for an institution whose corruption is far from representing its values. 
[4]

Gin Hart: I have never liked or trusted David Guetta, and find him most useful as a content-generator for Nicki Minaj — which, while “Hey Mama” is a midkey slap, I feel so not great about this white dude sampling this other white dude’s recording of a black prison song on a track about, like, sexy island domesticity — and even then, eh. He seems like he gives and takes bad advice in equal measure. I appreciate the nice vibe here; I suppose you can say I’m a fan of innocuous positivity, even when it’s this bland. Overall, though, you are precious and so is football and everyone here deserves better.
[2]

Mark Sinker: @livevuvuzela it’s me again キタ━━━(゜∀゜)━━━!!!!! bzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzz   \(^o^)/ \(-o-)/ \(^o^)/ \(-o-)/ \(~o~)/            backBACKBAAAACK      \(~o~)/\(-o-)/ \(^o^)/ \(-o-)/ \(^o^)/\(-o-)/    bzzzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzt    \(^o^)/ \(-o-)/ \(~o~)/\(^o^)/   
[7]

Alfred Soto: The world will soon tire of air horns.
[0]