Friday, March 17th, 2017

Maroon 5 ft. Future – Cold

Your editor would give that hair a [2] also.


Maxwell Cavaseno: Weeknd/Drake/Ed Sheeran (no, this is a real triumvirate of influence I swear) have been cribbing from each other subliminally and diluting one another so effectively, that it really takes little effort for Adam Levine to do a reasonably good impression of them. And shock, they even tack on Future, who is basically turning a pop version of his new boring gloomcore version; somehow more exciting than a lot of his recent material, yet still a dead end compared to his old heights. This is a really disposable record for Maroon 5, and it feels kind of a shame that for all the work they’re putting in trying to always sound relatively fresh, it’s not really impressing folks.

Edward Okulicz: This song just sounds like ass. It has a bottom end that you can’t even feel, a melody that confuses the ghostly and unnatural high part of Adam Levine’s range as an acceptable proxy for emotion, and, because 2017, a rap verse from a rapidly-washing-up Future that I’d doubt has much more proficiency than if one of the non-Adam Levine dudes from Maroon 5 had written and performed it himself.

Will Adams: Not wanting to fade into television judge obscurity, Adam Levine has resorted to rebranding himself as cut-rate Bieber. He’s got the accusatory bullshit down pat, but not the good production.

Thomas Inskeep: The more famous he becomes, the more it seems like Adam Levine hates women. Also, the further along they get in their career, the more painfully generic Maroon 5’s tracks become. How did this require 5 writers and 3 producers?

Alfred Soto: Great — Adam Levine fucked your bitch in some Gucci flip flops yet he doesn’t understand why she’s so cold. Future, go away.

Katherine St Asaph: It’s too bad they used up their “motherfucker” allotment two years ago, because this might as well be called “DTMFA.” Who exactly is the MF here, it’s hard to say. I’m leaning Levine, because it’s pretty damn cold if I’m listening to you to hear you namedrop a far superior mope track.

Katie Gill: One of the radio stations here, Mix 98.7, is “family friendly”, which means that it edits any sort of rap or hip-hop out of songs, no matter how much that mutilates the original source material (fun fact, “See You Again” without Wiz Khalifa is boring as shit). “Cold” is exactly the song that would get played on Mix 98.7. It’s boring, generic adult contemporary trying to reach Top 40 heights with a rapper thrown in because Maroon 5 is “hip” and “relevant.” All this despite the fact that the rap break is so generic and so detached that it would be pretty darn easy for racist radio stations across the nation to edit it out. This is a Future rap break with absolutely none of the things that I hate about Future in there to begin with. How is that even possible?

Reader average: [3.66] (3 votes)

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2 Responses to “Maroon 5 ft. Future – Cold”

  1. for a moment a wondered what it means that asses have a bottom end you can’t feel

  2. this is the lowest rated Maroon 5 single since Payphone