Now, he may not be the worst or the best, but you gotta respect his honesty…

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[3.25]

John Seroff: In a week when Train has a new single out, it takes moxie to strive to produce the most nonsensical pop song on the radio, but Taio Cruz doesn’t play by your rules, MANNNNNN. No sooner have we met and sped past the only interesting musical motif “Trouble Maker” has to offer (a whirring knife grinder somewhat reminiscent of Orbital’s “Don’t Stop Me”) than we meet: “Your ass from the side looks like a Coke bottle”? “Pretend I am a dinner, you can be my salt shaker”? “We gon’ do some things / hope your daddy ain’t a preacher”? “Throw your hands up / if you believe in me now / I keep my hands up / and do it all for the now”? What does that even — okay, now you’re just chanting onomatopoeic nonsense. Actually, I suppose that’s what you’ve been doing from verse one, eh?
[2]

Brad Shoup: Aw, so close. I seem to have run out of Taio indulgences; this sounds to me like “Little Bad Girl” sounded to my compatriots. Specifically, the disjunct between sexy-talkin’ verse and arena-bliss chorus is jarring. The track (partly produced by Steve Angello of Swedish House Mafia) is, for the most part, content to trail Taio meekly. Ah well, he had a fine little streak.
[3]

Alex Ostroff: Taio really enjoys throwing hands up in the air. The stabbing synths from the last song in which he did so are present, as is that old-school drum loop that’s been everpresent in UK pop recently. Unfortunately, unlike Dynamite, the hooks here aren’t undeniable, and unlike Hyun and Hyuna, he seems completely incapable of causing much trouble. Basically, it sounds a bit like a will.i.am solo joint.
[4]

Iain Mew: A piece of straightforward club euphoria sitting awkwardly alongside verses that go for revved-up sexiness and fail completely. “I want to see you move like they move it in Jamaica / pretend I am a dinner, she can be my salt shaker” is one of those couplets where both sides sound like an awkward forced rhyme. I’m not even entirely convinced that second line is right but can’t think of anything better it could be. No wonder Taio doesn’t sound very convinced himself.
[3]

Michaela Drapes: If it was 4 a.m. and I was on the dancefloor, totally wasted, this would be a [10]. Unfortunately, I wrote this at 8 p.m on a Sunday when I just got home from the laundromat. Context is everything.
[4]

Alfred Soto: Faux-menacing until those synths clip-clop in.
[2]

Doug Robertson: The verses, despite having all the menace normally only found within the pages of the Beano, have a bit of bite and keep things interesting. But the chorus, which should be the icing on the cake, turns out to be made from insipid butter and outdated sugar, earning this troublemaker a slap on the wrist rather than the criminal record he undoubtedly craves.
[6]

Katherine St Asaph: No, guys, Taio Cruz really is a troublemaker. Here’s his permanent record! Rhyming “model/bottle,” making a pointless and vaguely exploitative reference to Jamaica, asking if we believe in him now and offering in his favor a tacked-on, transition-free rave chorus as fun as detention, seizing the day well after pop thoroughly seized it, pretending the wordless part is anthemic and not just lazy, being the one the States got. Let’s suspend him indefinitely.
[2]