The Singles Jukebox

Aaaaand here he is again (with some other guy I guess?)

[Video]
[2.38]

Julian Axelrod: This isn’t just One Direction alum Liam Payne’s first solo single. This is the result of typing “2017 club banger” into a computer algorithm when your computer’s about to die. This is a photocopy of a photocopy of a memory of an Iggy Azalea song. This is a pretty convincing argument against being hot and having fun. This is the third most embarrassing thing Quavo has done all year, which is saying a lot. This is a textbook case of lyrics so generic they lose all meaning. This is kinda rude to Justin Timberlake and very rude to Shaggy. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of why Zayn’s been successful. Most importantly, this is not going to make Liam Payne a solo star.
[2]

Ian Mathers: Is this because I was unkind to the Niall single? Is that why this is happening?
[2]

Micha Cavaseno: Oh no Liam what??!? is you doing??? Going ahead with a pseudo DJ Mustard-sounding single in mid-2017? Even Justin Bieber knew to leave that sound be at a certain point, and that was close to the end of 3 years ago! I thought none of these guys had any worse ideas for how to project themselves into the future than Zayn’s weird faux-&-B, but Liam being the partyin’ fun-loving guy who’s following moves Bieber does with LESS NUANCE? Worse yet, a damn Quavo verse, the ultimate sign of trying too hard in 2017. What in the world were they thinking?!?
[2]

Katherine St Asaph: Well, now we know who’s the JC.
[1]

Alex Clifton: For god’s sake, Liam. You just had a baby, named Bear of all things. You’ve settled down with Cheryl Cole. So why in all hell have you given us this atrocity? You were always the tamest member of One Direction; it’s not that I thought you’d never turn your songwriting towards adult topics. But it’s so jarring to hear you compare yourself to a Ferrari and then sing “Girl, I love it when your body grinds on me.” I’ve never thought of you as a sex god prior to this song, and I am not about to do so now. It’s like watching a kid put on his dad’s suit and waddle around with too-long trouser legs. You’re out of your depths here, Liam. Nothing about this track screams “Liam Payne” specifically, which is part of the problem if you’re trying desperately to establish yourself as a solo artist; instead, it comes across as a cobbled-together mess of Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You” and the DNCE’S “Cake By the Ocean” without the confidence of the former or the silliness of the latter. Perhaps the worst part, however, is the lyrical reference to 1D–it’s not necessary and reminds the listener, every single time, that you were once part of a decent band before this mess. If this is any sort of indication as to the rest of your solo career, maybe just call it quits now and go home to your Bear cave.
[1]

Hannah Jocelyn: Much has already been written about the kitschy “I used to be in 1D (now I’m free)/they only want me for one thing (that’s not me),” as was likely intended. If the rest of the song was that unabashedly campy, it would be enjoyable; but the remainder of “Strip That Down’ can’t even manage that, with maudlin, borderline-offensive lyrics co-written by Ed “why does Rihanna keep passing on my songs” Sheeran and awkward phrasing from Liam that sounds especially out of place on the “Rack City” facsimile beat. The Quavo verse adds nothing except for an attempt to make ‘Huncho’ happen, and the fact that Sheeran contributed his own pitched-down backing vocals only makes things go from banal to embarrassing. Sure, up to 15 writers are credited, but Ed’s signature combination of faux-endearing clunkiness and arrogance in his abilities gives him away.
[3]

Thomas Inskeep: This sounds like a PG come-on from a sleazy casting-couch agent, and it surprises me not a bit to find that Ed Sheeran had a hand in its lyrics. I think I’ll keep my clothes on, thanks. And memo to Quavo: I know you’re hot right now, but the easiest way to cheapen your brand is to say yes to everything you’re offered. Go take a nap or something.
[1]

Alfred Soto: Using hey-hey backing vocals at least a decade out of date and stripper and car metaphors that no one has any use for in 2017, the dullest One Directioner reveals he should start a crew with his lobotomized collaborators and call it No Direction.
[2]

Nortey Dowuona: Flat, bland and uninteresting. Also, the heys are weak.
[3]

Crystal Leww: Liam Payne was always going to be the 1D member that went for the solo career that did not play to his strengths and release something slightly cringeworthy. Going the R&B route when his vocals were never all that and as the most white bro member is a bold move, completely ill suited for his capability as well as his image. For fuck’s sake, Liam, you’re a fucking father now — the fact that “Strip That Down” contains a line like “Coke and Bacardi, sipping lightly” is so inappropriate. And yet, so predictable. That all being said, this is…beautiful in how it’s chasing the T-Pain in mid-aughts wave, in how Liam’s voice cannot sustain more than one song of this, and that he just sounds so white next to Quavo. This is just so charming in how goofy it is, and while in the song he’s asking the girl to strip it down, I can only imagine that it’s Liam himself doing the little dance to this.
[6]

Scott Mildenhall: And so Liam Payne confirms his status as the One Direction member with the most glaring lack of self-awareness. This is the 2017 equivalent of Brian Harvey collaborating with Wyclef Jean, with a whispered-down-the-lane understanding of American R&B congealing into lyrics that should be the preserve of overreaching Vine graduates with millions of followers but no actual industry clout. Just imagine what they might come up with if they did have access to Ed Sheeran.
[3]

Will Adams: And suddenly I’m having second thoughts about calling Zayn’s attempts at sexiness embarrassing.
[2]

Stephen Eisermann: Thus far, all of the 1D members have been convincing as solo artists — I’m not saying their collective work is good, but I can at least see all three of them having solo careers (with varying degrees of success). Liam Payne is the first member I cannot say the same for. It’s a shame, too, because had “Strip That Down” been given to any established male pop/R&B singer, I would like it a lot more. The production brings me back to the early-mid 2000s when Mario and Omarion ruled the charts and this song, in either one of their hands, would be significantly more convincing. The sexiness of the backing track is palpable and I can already imagine how their warm vocals would embrace the charged lyrics, but that’s sadly not the case here. To me, hearing Liam sing this is the equivalent of listening to the studio versions of The Voice live performances – sure, the singer knows the words and is on-key, but the passion, chemistry, sexual energy, and life is sucked out of the song and you’re left with some inoffensive, cabaret, doctor’s office approved recording.
[3]