Wednesday, November 15th, 2017

Liam Payne – Bedroom Floor

Your daily glimpse of hell, via headline: “Liam Payne and Charlie Puth Had a ‘Falsetto-Off’ During the Making of ‘Bedroom Floor'”.


Alfred Soto: Another month, another sex-drenched One Directioner debut with turpentine falsetto. This one has R. Kelly onomatopoetic noises. Get your pleasures where you can, folks.

Katherine St Asaph: Out of One Direction and out (maybe) of morality clauses, the members of One Direction are locked into a new competition: who can be horniest on main. Not good-horniest, though; maybe it’s the neverending news of male pustularity, maybe it’s writer Charlie Puth, but “baby, why you always act like you don’t want me? Don’t make me bring up your dirty laundry” comes off incredibly skeevy. It’s not worth the pun, which is a bad pun anyway — if my clothes could talk, they’d say aim it elsewhere and stop the cloying falsetto. And maybe put more than one note in the hook.

Julian de Valliere: Being someone’s unpaid and on-demand flesh dildo seems like an odd thing to be proud about, but such is the stance of “Bedroom Floor” — Liam’s latest attempt to put us in a headlock until we cry “Payne over Zayn” three times in a row. Unfortunately, his campaign for the title of The Sexy One from One Direction falls apart when he mistakes sliminess for steaminess, and an awkwardly paraphrased chorus for a middle eight.

Ryo Miyauchi: Liam lazily fills the space of the pre-chorus repeating “real,” like a preteen’s attempt at hyperbole, while having way too much fun with the chirp-chirp ad lib. It’s a rather clumsy route to get to a lukewarm punchline, where the wit doesn’t sting as much as he thinks it does. The bigger offense, though, is wasting one of the finer steel-drum beats to come from this tropical pop wave.

Will Adams: Do iPhones actually make a brrt-brrt sound? Does Liam Payne actually know how sex works? Did anyone actually want to hear what it’d sound like if Calvin Harris produced for Drake?

Eleanor Graham: Steve Jobs didn’t die for this.

Nortey Dowuona: Flat 808s kill this bland, empty song about… what, exactly? Has Liam Payne made a single good song since One Direction split? At least his falsetto is tolerable.

Crystal Leww: Am I proud that Liam Payne is my favorite ex-One Direction member? No. Am I slightly ashamed that I find all of his songs to be bops? Yeah. Liam continues his trend of songs about sex that sound like he’s never, ever seen someone else naked. It’s… not sexy, but somehow incredibly endearing.

Stephen Eisermann: Unlike his One Direction counterparts, who have all released at least one engaging track, Liam Payne continues to release awkward “sexy” songs without the swag to sell them. It pigeonholes him in the “not-quite-Justin-Timberlake” category, and not only is Liam not as good a singer as Justin, but I certainly don’t miss Justin enough (at all, really) to need a generic version. “Bedroom Floor” is no different, and I wonder why nobody on Liam’s team has taken the time to tell him that maybe, just maybe, he should let Justin bring sexy back.

Joshua Copperman: In the recent flurry of Taylor Swift retrospectives, someone discussed how every piece of “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” was a hook in its own right. This is the sound of Charlie Puth and Liam trying to do that — the looped “realrealrealreal,” the “brrp-brrp” iPhone ring, and the endless repetition of the chorus — and missing the mark on all of them. The chord progression is pretty, and I love the punchiness of the steel drums, but the song tries so hard to find hooks in a hookless place.

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2 Responses to “Liam Payne – Bedroom Floor”

  1. oh my god eleanor

  2. a) Eleanor, my hero
    b) not that this is actually part of the song, but Bella Thorne’s acting in the music video is… something, I suppose
    c) I dread the inevitable day when Charlie Puth and Ed Sheeran decide to write together