Friday, November 24th, 2017

Eminem ft. Beyoncé – Walk on Water

This is the lowest score Beyoncé has ever received from us… wonder how that happened…


Rachel Bowles: The combination of crackling sound effects and Eminem spitting out expletives under his breath have the effect of sounding like he’s doing some tricky home improvement and keeps catching his thumb with a hammer or fucking up the wallpaper. There’s probably some interesting meditation on celebrity worship in this indulgent navel gazing somewhere, but it’s hidden pretty well by uninspired piano and poor lyrics. Is there really room in 2017 for “spazzing the fuck out”? One would hope not. Though Beyoncé is generously, softly serenading us, “I’m only human just like you” like a lullaby about a universe where we’re on Bey’s Goddess level. The closing “Bitch, I wrote Stan” is hilarious for all the wrong reasons. Ultimately, this song genuinely makes me lol.

Ian Mathers: In honour of dril getting doxxed, let’s just say this feels a lot like Em screaming “I’m not owned! I’m not owned!” as he shrinks into a rapper who isn’t fun to listen to at all. (To those questioning whether that was ever not the case: I feel you.) No idea what Beyoncé is doing here but 1. she would fit in fine on a much better song 2. she can’t save the rest of this one. Plus one for her but minus one for that ending.

Will Adams: “Bitch, I wrote ‘Stan,'” he spits at the end, as if the pen-to-paper sound effects weren’t trying to make sure we knew through the whole song. “Stan” this is not, and it doesn’t help that Eminem manages a few moving moments about doubting oneself’s creativity only to drop “retarded” two breaths later. His tea’s gone cold, I wonder why.

Alfred Soto: A grim, hectoring track delivered with relative precision doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want this grim, hectoring rapper blowing onion breath in my face. Skylar Grey’s regressive hook assumes Beyoncé has done nothing quietly revolutionary in the last four years. 

Will Rivitz: Rule number one of making good hip-hop: don’t emulate Watsky. Rule number two of making good hip-hop: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T EMULATE WATSKY. Rule number three of making good hip-hop: if your song’s instrumental component sounds like it could accompany a B-tier Adele song, you’re probably doing something wrong. Rule number four of making good hip-hop: try to get Beyoncé on your hook. Rule number five of making good hip-hop: don’t waste Beyoncé on your hook. “Walk On Water” follows exactly one of these five rules, so I think the proportional rating bestowed here is appropriate.

Leonel Manzanares de la Rosa: Inexplicable but always welcome Queen Bey feature aside, this feels like the hip-hop equivalent of “I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I am with isn’t it and what is it seems weird and scary to me. It’ll happen to you!”

Joshua Copperman: One of the top comments on the YouTube video reads “just compare this lyrical masterpiece with ‘the ting goes skkkrrraah, pap pap ka-ka-ka.’” If it is true that Migos>Beatles, then clearly Beatles : Migos :: Eminem : Big Shaq.

Claire Biddles: Yikes, where to start — The none-more-earnest paper-ripping sound effects? The use of not one but two ableist slurs? The 17 hour 43 minute length? Is Marsh writing his own off-Broadway jukebox musical, and is this a third act segue? Almost unprecedentedly bad.

Thomas Inskeep: This death march is so dire that not even Queen B can liven it up. (And what’s she doing here, anyway? She is so far above playing hook singer for 2000’s great white hope.) Like he has on every record he’s made in the past decade, Eminem sounds angry, out of breath, and most importantly out of ideas. I mean, say what you want about his politics, but at least Kid Rock still has a sense of fun about himself. Em is the audio version of a scowl.

Scott Mildenhall: Well, it wouldn’t be Eminem if he didn’t kick off with a joke single, would it? If that’s not him audibly attempting to rewrite the bizarre chorus at the same time as Beyoncé sings it, it should be; otherwise, it must surely be the penning of an angry letter to the producers for having left early. Some very talented and successful musicians have worked on this, and on one level, credit to them: it comfortably meets its apparent ambitions in reaffirming that none of them are above it.

Reader average: [3] (5 votes)

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One Response to “Eminem ft. Beyoncé – Walk on Water”

  1. ‘His tea’s gone cold, I wonder why’ loll