Anthony, what’s the least erotic place you’ve ever been to?

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Anthony Easton: Bowmanville is the least erotic place I have ever been to. The first thing you want to do when you get to Bowmanville is flee. It’s a vortex of all that is bad. It would be post-irony, but that would suggest that it understood irony in the first place, and I doubt that’s true. I would have assumed that this was a parody of boy band hysterics (especially that line about dolphins) but they’re from Bowmanville, and they have not escaped the tragedy of their upbringing. 
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Patrick St. Michel: Stop the world, I want to get off. And go somewhere where the choruses aren’t so goofy and cliché.
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Alfred Soto: They play instruments, but, like eighties Heart, all I hear are synthesizers. They’re not as cute as One Direction. Neither can touch “Glad You Came.”
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Iain Mew: “Riding a wave, chasing the sun”, “We’re wild and we’re young, we’re living for today” — not only are the lyrics awful, they rip off both The Wanted and One Direction in the space of one chorus! Meanwhile the filtered “oh oh oh oh oh” bits fall into some awful no man’s land between those two groups, and other parts of the song sound like watered down Maroon 5. Actual excitement sounds like it might be a bit too much for them to take. Generally feeble.
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Brad Shoup: Ah, Kabletown‘s finally gotten into the music biz!
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David Lee: Because what the world needs is more electropop riding the “Die Young” wave, especially the kind that’s as edgy as a shotglass of Maalox.
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Scott Mildenhall: Well Lawson spawned imitators fast. Not quite identical though (obviously not, that was just a lazy comparison), as it lacks a soaring chorus and goes in for some pleasantly surprising 90s touches production-wise — presumably an aim for “retro”, and not just unintentional datedness. Lawson are better though. And a note to lyricists everywhere: Romeo never fell in love with anyone called Julie.
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Jonathan Bogart: I have no excuse for enjoying this, except maybe that the RedOne-aping synths are too tinny and chintzy to fill in for the real thing, which is a little bit charming. And there’s a piano rolling away somewhere in the background when Lead Bro gets all slow and sensitive.
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Will Adams: It shares its title with one of my favorite songs of last year, so it already has a lot to live up to. There’s some promise in the rhythm section – whose slight-swung snares reek of Eurocheese – that’s buried in the mix, but perhaps only because it’s such a sharp contrast to the serious-faced crooning from what basically amounts to Canada’s answer to The Wanted.
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Katherine St Asaph: For everyone who finds “What Makes You Beautiful” morally fucked-up (it isn’t, really), check this out: “You look like your hope is gone, I can tell you need someone today.” Jesus hell, it’s like a proposition by Little John from the Robin Hood morality test. (At first I heard “you look like your home is gone,” which didn’t help.) (Fine, fine: Marian/Sheriff/John/Robin.) Oh, the song? It’s exuberant piffle, and it’s not this.
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