Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

Loick Essien ft. Tanya Lacey – How We Roll

Featuring? Tucking away in a corner more like…


Katherine St Asaph: “How We Roll” is less a pop song than proof of the singularity. The synths shock like naked copper wire or molten metal. Loick Essien’s autotuned virtuosity is how the robots imagine themselves sounding as they bloop into their USB hairbrushes. Tanya Lacey, the most human of the lot, nevertheless affects patois as robo-blase as Dev. They’ve learned to make a love song, but the lyrics sound like some Decepticons wrote them before a post-coital ambush. There’s no conceivable way to enjoy “How We Roll” unless half your brain stem’s been replaced with computer chips, and it scares me how much I like it anyway.

Rebecca Toennessen: This is what Outer Space Music would have sounded like when I was about four and wondering about such things as what Outer Space Music would sound like. Unfortunately, it’s not as exciting as four year old me would have imagined.

Renato Pagnani: And the dying gasps of songs featuring Auto-Tuned R&B vocalists over shitty trance communicate little regret for the lives they lived, mostly because their last words were unintelligible mush.

Jonathan Bogart: Chirruping AutoTune, triumphalist synths, not a single original sentiment or even phrasing of sentiment. Doesn’t matter.

Michaela Drapes: Out of all the sheer-voiced shrieking crooners foisting love songs and guest hooks on us from every corner, Loick Essien’s voice is the least pleasant, which every painful moment of this song hammers home. Also, I fail to see what exactly Tanya Lacey was doing here in her calorie-free blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo; it would seem that the ‘ft.’ trend has reached its nadir too on this one.

Jer Fairall: Might sound okay playing over a slo-mo shot of The World’s Least Appealing Leading Man and Michael Bay’s Latest Casting Couch Victim speeding away from an explosion, but of little practical use elsewhere.

Brad Shoup: In which driving to the Tesco becomes the stuff of high drama. “Featuring” isn’t defined strictly here; Tanya Lacey gets like four bars of patois before she’s dispatched to navigate or look for a rest stop or something. I swear I hear a chipmunk laughing at 1:28. Am I mad?

2 Responses to “Loick Essien ft. Tanya Lacey – How We Roll”

  1. Much more interesting (if not any better) when I thought the chorus was “It’s just nymphomania/it’s just nymphomania.”

  2. I would totally listen to a song titled “Nymphomania.” Get on that, artists.