The Singles Jukebox

Now for the important question: are her bangs more Taylor Swift or Jessie J?

[Video][Website]
[4.92]

Edward Okulicz: “Train Wreck” is appalling in many ways but it works for me because it reeks of my kind of trash, i.e. Shania Twain (country music inhabited by the spirit of tacky Europop), Yes (the riff, which is “Owner of a Lonely Heart”) and Daphne & Celeste (that spoken word at the end could be “U.G.L.Y.”). Its jokes and tricks are not just obvious, they’re corny — it’s a total dad joke of a pop song, but that doesn’t matter, I still laughed. If I’m going to be embarrassed by one [10] years from now, this is the one.
[10]

Alfred Soto: With a riff evoking Hole’s “Celebrity Skin” and a lyric concerning iterations of befouled femininity, you’d think Scott could do better than perk.
[4]

Will Adams: Hard to know who the true target of “Train Wreck” is. In the first verse, it’s a woman who can’t hold her liquor. In the second, it’s a woman who wants to go all the way on the first date. The video, meanwhile, suggests that train wrecks are women who don’t wear sparkly dresses, heels, and pounds of makeup. Marlee never makes clear her relationship with the dude she’s telling this to, but there’s an undercurrent of “you should be with me instead” that makes her putdowns grosser the more you think about it.
[4]

Anthony Easton: To get the political stuff out of the way: is this more or less misogynist when sung by a woman? Now the formal stuff — the Rednex style breakdown in the middle is too short but is interesting, her voice is fantastic, and the whole thing is half an inch from going off the rails in ways that might be productive. Not sure if I love this or loathe this, so I will split it down the middle. 
[6]

Josh Langhoff: Hard to tell whether the Yes riff is there to sound cool or add subtext. This being the Jukebox, I’ll go with subtext and surmise that Ms. Scott is the owner of a lonely ice cream stand at the church social, seething with resentment at this Train Wreck who’s tempting some guy away from Scott and her wares. Scott’s delusion boils over when she imagines Train Wreck seducing the guy on a picnic blanket, at which point the guy panics and drives off, presumably abandoning not only a hot woman but all his picnic gear out in the country. No man would ever do that, of course, but at this point Scott’s having way more fun with her slut-shaming fantasies than she ever would with the guy. Hmmph.
[8]

Jonathan Bogart: All the anti-woman slut-shaming and sisterhood-betrayal that folks think they ferret out in Taylor Swift is on broad-daylight display here. Which isn’t to suggest that Taylor doesn’t throw shade; she just does it artfully and with finesse, a true alpha bitch who savors her talents. Marlee comes across not a little desperate and flop-sweaty instead, pulling Jim-from-The Office faces in the video, dropping a Karmin-with-twang rap as the song’s winding down, and making the titular trainwreck sound like a delightful companion by comparison. The riff is the dullest part of “Owner of a Lonely Heart” anyway.
[3]

Iain Mew: This song is really eager to please, intent on never allowing a moment to have the slightest possibility of being boring. Marlee sings it with enough personality and its invention is clever enough that it sweeps by enjoyably even as the narrative remains lightweight. The unexpected spoken bit and its “laser lasers” is the highlight.
[7]

W.B. Swygart: “Like Madonna — or P!nk!” The ghost of mid-80s British light entertainment smiles down beatifically.
[3]

Katherine St Asaph: Surely that line should be “Rihanna or P!nk,” if public grinding’s the issue? And after only one drink? Isn’t every other country song about backwoods fucking, anyway? Is this song suggesting church socials are populated entirely by nymphos and psychos? Or that men should suck it up and give a fake name? (At church?) Why is “dust” emphasized? Scott’s got a winsome voice, and the writing’s even deft at times (enjambed, at least); shame everything else is so questionable.
[4]

David Moore: “Owner of a Lonely Heart” riff propels some ambiguously skeevy gender politics (but maybe not) — song seems to have a soft spot in its heart for this “train wreck” who ruins your life with her skanky wiles, and ultimately blames the jackass who’s afraid of what he wants. Anyway, it’s all about the riff — but I’m glad I stuck around for the clumsy, charming rap coda about fishnet stockings and big blue eyes and lies. 
[7]

Brad Shoup: Well, one of the song’s writers has “Stupid Boy” to her credit. But closing my eyes and remembering that does not in any way alleviate the irritation when listening to “Train Wreck.” There’s no getting past that the bitches-amirite text is 20 years out of fashion, and about 90 years too late to be the broad folk-blues plaint it so badly wants to be. Vince Gill’s presence is not unlike having Weird Al make a cameo in your video; it confuses rather than delights, and actually makes the affair stiffer. Were it not for the Yes crib, which lays slyly across our poor bastard’s plight, there’d be nothing to recommend this. Not that flat chorus, not the cramped meter, not the “of dust” appended to the second verse — which, if written/sung by a man, would be horrific — to make things rhyme while ruining a chance to highlight the confusion of the addressee. Maybe I should’ve grabbed onto “she’s tellin’ lies/and that ain’t even true,” which could imply an unreliable narrator? The video says I’m crazy to think so, and adds “go ahead and subtract that last point for the laziest depiction of a third-act makeover in entertainment history.” Done.
[0]

Ian Mathers: When did country music stop being able to make good videos? I’d like the song more if the chorus lines weren’t so prolooooooooooooonged before stopping dead. Nothing seems to connect up and the rhymes are nowhere near clever enough to deserve highlighting. The production, meanwhile, is so airless that it makes my throat go dry — I prefer my perfection inhuman, not boring.
[3]

Zach Lyon: Certainly a likable chorus and lovable melodies all over and a promising voice. Pity they couldn’t be part of a more likable song. She’s playing third party to two characters and her word is the only word, so what the point — and where’s the fun — in her hating both of them?
[5]