America has got itself a Chris Brown-shaped hole to fill, and guess who’s (sort of) auditioning…

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[4.75]

Alex Wisgard: “Baby, you know that I miss you, I wanna get witchu tonight, but I cannot, baby girl, and that’s the issue” – someone please get him a tissue. I can’t tell if this is meant to be sickeningly sentimental or some kind of softcore advocation of phone sex. Either way, kids, just say no.
[2]

Hillary Brown: Am I just feeling good because it hit 80 degrees F today and it seems like summer came overnight, or is this actually a charming and melodic Soulja Boy song not just in existence to promote a dance?
[7]

Al Shipley: One wonders, for all his fame and teen idol status, if this dead-eyed groaning zombie is anyone’s idea of a heartthrob. It’s painful enough when Soulja Boy pretends to have any personality at all, let alone a romantic life, and so it’s pretty amazing that, after “Soulja Girl” coasted by on the momentum of “Crank That,” his second attempt at a wimpy love song is actually the biggest hit from his latest album. Maybe girls like the Sammie hook.
[2]

Rodney J. Greene: The dinky synths and hokey hook don’t help, but the greatest problem is that Soulja Boy doesn’t posess half an ounce of romanticism, nor can he effectively fake it. I’d swear he’s even more bored with this than I am.
[3]

Dave Moore: I love how un-Soulja Boy this is, a relatively slick ringtone ballad (complete with shoehorned-in unintelligible cell phone number) with a smooth, er, ringer brought in to sing the hook while Soulja Boy barely musters a guest spot on his own track. Though what could have been a weirdly touching ode to long-distance lovesickness is made blander by the realization that he’s just going to be a little late getting home.
[7]

Additional Scores

Martin Kavka: [6]
Martin Skidmore: [5]
Ian Mathers: [6]