Monday, February 4th, 2013

Nelly – Hey Porsche

Apologies for the delay; your editor was still butthurt about the rise and fumble of the 49ers…


Iain Mew: Finally, a single I can compare unfavourably to The Bluetones’ “Autophilia (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Car)”! Also Flo Rida’s “Whistle”.

Jer Fairall: Using your car as an avatar for your woman (or, if you’re Neil Young, vice versa) is as old as rock and roll itself, so giving Nelly any disproportionate amount of shit for utilizing so hackneyed a premise would be petty. But his winking and nudging his way through the whole thing, as if this premise might be new to anyone listening, is an insult to the intelligence of anyone old enough to know what a car or a woman is.  

Brad Shoup: This sounds like a pop-punk act’s desperate attempt at a hit. In 2000.

Daniel Montesinos-Donaghy: Hey, remember when he dissed KRS-One with an impression of the Teacher: “one… more… hit… please, please”? Irony!

Scott Mildenhall: There’s some kind of Benjamin Button nonsense going on here. Nelly appears to be doing the whole “teen star matures” thing that Justin Bieber is currently going through, but in reverse. From “Country Grammar” to “Over And Over” to “Just A Dream,” to this? Obviously that needn’t mean a decline in quality at any point; it would have helped if someone had told him.

Jonathan Bradley: Nelly’s never sounded so Heartland. “Hey Porsche” is top-down radio rock so convincing that only a slight bounce in the beat gives away its St. Louis roots. Nelly’s sing-rap has lost the rap portion entirely, and the only hint that this isn’t some scrubbed-up Abercrombie and Fitch–clad MTV goon (or, like, Jason Mraz) is that the verses are delivered with an MC’s dexterity. This is how such white bread material should be performed anyway: crisp, breezy guitar chords, arpeggiated riffing and a sharp, sunny sing-along hook. Close to a decade after Nelly released his Tim McGraw collaboration “Over and Over,” might he finally be getting ready to hand us a full album of this stuff?

Alfred Soto: Connecting the dots between Weezer and Bruno Mars!

Edward Okulicz: Everything that’s so completely average about 2010s radio pop, accompanied by a liberal dose of tackiness and poorly-constructed metaphors. If the car is a symbol for a woman, then taking out ignition keys and replacing them with a button is going to a metaphorical place that is both stupid and rapey.

Katherine St Asaph: God, it’s like One Direction covering “Pony.” (A mechanical pony, perhaps.) Just because Flo Rida nullified Nelly’s market share doesn’t mean his rap-buttrock was an improvement.

Will Adams: The shameless “Whistle” rehashing, courtesy of DJ Frank E, is enough to warrant a [1]. But then there’s the metaphor, which admittedly is not as blatantly disgusting as its predecessor. It takes a little more time to realize that Nelly is explaining that his dream woman is like an inanimate object, but once it hits, that remaining point vanishes.

Ian Mathers: [One of these with the text “Not sure if car… or woman.”]

Patrick St. Michel: The woman-as-car metaphor is dumb, but other artists have made it work. R. Kelly even mastered it, so I give Nelly credit for even trying. Unfortunately, daring doesn’t make up for some real groaners (“as I make U turn around” uggggggggggggh) set over an ABC Family-ready bounce. The only interesting development is that he rejects key imagery in favor of… cars where you just push a button to start the engine.

Anthony Easton: Top off / pop off is such a terrible rhyme that the whole song is scuppered — not that this collision of cliches and objectification had long to collapse.

Josh Langhoff: What a dipstick.

Reader average: [4.22] (9 votes)

Vote: 0   1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   10

2 Responses to “Nelly – Hey Porsche”

  1. So:

    “What’s great about Nelly is that he’s so versatile and knows how to adapt and still be relevant,” adds WXKB Ft. Myers, Fla., PD/music director Adam Star. “We’re only of a couple of weeks in on ‘Hey Porsche’ but early listener response has been nothing but positive.”

    I hate people.

  2. Ughhh. If this becomes even half as big as “Whistle” I think I’ll just quit music forever.