The Singles Jukebox

Very nearly our worst-rated song ever. Maybe next time, Bruno…

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[1.87]

Katherine St Asaph: Ever wanted to hear three and a half minutes of Jason Mraz jacking off?
[1]

Kat Stevens: Jesus Cvnting Christ this is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard. One could generously interpret this self-satisfied mewling as a critical dissection of the devastating effects of full-blown depression: tales of being unable to pick up the phone or comb one’s hair, set to an ironically chirpy backing to represent the outsider’s perspective that the sufferer is just a scrounging layabout. It’s a stretch, especially as surely no-one in that situation would refer to “strutting in my birthday suit” with their “hand down my pants”. As it is, this teeth-grinding snapshot of Mars’ tiny universe gives no hint that said laziness is due to anything other than the trust-funded inertia of a true arsehole.
[0]

Anthony Easton: A song about laziness should not work so hard at ingratiating itself.
[4]

Jonathan Bogart: It’s not often that a terrible pop song’s existence actually affects my quality of life, but now I can’t watch the opening bit of QI without getting “The Lazy Song” stuck in my head. This is a really big deal.
[1]

Al Shipley: I can handle Mars in light fluffy romantic mode on “Nothin’ On You” and “Just The Way You Are.” But his attempts at winking, naughty humor on songs like this, “Fuck You” and “Bow Chicka Wow Wow” are just so eye-rollingly lame, especially when the author gets to sing it himself and let you hear how impressed he is with his own corny jokes.
[2]

Alex Ostroff: An ode to low expectations, playing with your balls, coasting by on your parents’ cash and really nice sex with a really nice girl. Her ‘scream’ of “ohmygodthisisgreat,” sounds halfway between sarcasm and a yawn, and suggests that Bruno is just as lazy in the sack as he is everywhere else. ‘The Lazy Song’ phones it in over a ukelele riff that was tired when Jason Mraz used it, and if Mars isn’t going to bother, neither am I.
[2]

Edward Okulicz: Lazy song, lazily written. I mean, for god’s sake, “phone” and “tone” and that’s just the first verse. A terrifying vision of the past, because you know you can trace this backwards through Jason Mraz to god knows, maybe even Sublime. And if that doesn’t scare you, perhaps nothing will.
[0]

Alfred Soto: Where’s Sugar Ray now when we need’em?
[4]

Matthew Harris: Ah! That’s what we’ve been needing: a Sugar Ray-like song about getting bored and masturbating. And doing P90X, which I hoped was a drug, but is only a workout regime. And having “really nice” sex. Is there a marketing computer somewhere that decides which portions of our lives remain unsoundtracked? And does this song fit the “moments of gleeful self-absorption” daypart? If so, ca-ching, I guess.
[0]

Pete Baran: One must resist, resist hard, to not let Bruno merely review the song himself. And pop history has been littered with out of step syncopation merchants who aim at MOR and somehow pick up some fellow travellers along the way. But what worries me are the reports from the CBI about how much of the national GDP has been slashed by the direct and indirect effects of Bruno and his workshy rabble-rousing. Probably $4 billion. Not doing anything never sounded so unappealing.
[2]

Chuck Eddy: “This is not great!” (I just screamed out.) (Well, okay, I am glad he wants to learn how to dougie.)
[4]

Michaela Drapes: I cringe inwardly to think that this is someone’s concept of a “summer jam”, when, in fact, its rightful place is underscoring Carnival cruise ship commercials.
[0]

Jonathan Bradley: Bruno Mars is a smart songwriter, and “The Lazy Song” is an exercise in determined underachievement. This is the effort of a writer indolent enough to drop a Leno-quality Snuggie reference, but keen enough to follow it with a Fallon-worthy Cali Swag District shout out. (We’re still talking late night TV here, though.) Mars’s reggae lope is about as fresh as pajama pants on laundry day, but he’s so arrogantly talented that even his crusty novelty tune is more clever than it needs to be. He could try harder, but look what a smash that Travie McCoy collab was — and it didn’t even have baby scratches.
[4]

Zach Lyon: I keep trying to write a coherent sentence that includes the words “Bruno Mars aspiring to be Travie McCoy” but it’s making me physically sick and I want to throw up now.
[0]

Jer Fairall: Nah, too easy.
[4]