The Singles Jukebox

Guetta’s second UK #1 this year, not counting “I Gotta Feeling” — in your face, Bob Sinclar!…

[Website]
[4.82]

Al Shipley: In which our frog-throated hook robot makes a noble attempt at injecting some small amount of sassy ‘personality’ into his typically wooden vocal performances, and comes up with the most cringe-inducing iteration of the already cringe-inducing phrase “damn, girl!” ever recorded.
[4]

Tom Ewing: In the rarefied world of dance music, the word “bitch” still has a frisson of naughtiness, so Akon makes great play of how he really WANTS to find respectful language. His starting point is that she’s “not like the neighbourhood whores”: for you and me babe, the only way is up. David Guetta rolls out another instantly appealing commercial banger which will I’m guessing have as poor a shelflife as his last one. I grievously overmarked that so I’m being cautious here.
[5]

Michaelangelo Matos: “I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful!” That’s funny: most of us can do it without trying.
[4]

Martin Kavka: Did he not even for one moment consider consulting a thesaurus? It would have helped, especially had he discovered the word “callipygian.”
[5]

Matt Cibula: This is a real Frankenstein’s monster of a track, put together with rank cynicism and rubber cement, smelling of the grave and wet muddy hands. Unfortunately, it’s neither sexy nor memorable, and (despite the disclaimers) the misogyny is thick and sour. I have no idea why I’m giving it even a 2.
[2]

Martin Skidmore: The lyrics are fatuous “she’s hot” nonsense, and I have yet to get much out of an autotuned performance, but there is a wiggle and punch in the music that I enjoy. I’m surprised at its global hugeness, but it is mostly fun.
[7]

Alex Ostroff: This is nowhere near as bonkers as “I Gotta Feeling”, my only previous acquaintance with Guetta. Still pretty good (tho).
[7]

Frank Kogan: Strangely, I find this U.K. chart topper funnier and more inventive than the officially quirky and funny Guetta production that’s been topping the U.S. chart for the last eight weeks. Akon’s voice is too thick for the track, as usual, but Guetta mitigates the heaviness by throwing sliders and change-ups at him (think I used baseball metaphors in my review of “I Gotta Feeling“, too). Practically a variety show of beats.
[7]

Anthony Miccio: Akon dance is better than Akon ballad, and his failed attempt to find an respectful way to describe the object of his affection is hilarious. But deep down, I know what Akon really wants to say: “she’s an easy lover.”
[6]

Kat Stevens: Homogenised ‘Tainted Love’ riff makes for grim #1. I’ll inevitably end up dancing to this without realising, then feel disgusted with myself for having such low standards.
[2]

Chuck Eddy: Sexier than “Sexy MF” by Prince. (How’s that for damning it with faint praise?)
[4]