The Singles Jukebox

Mix your milf with my cocoa.. milfy milfy RIGHT?

[Video][Website]
[3.53]

Katie Gill: On the one hand, Fergie songs where she spells words and has goofy metaphors are my absolute fave — and this song has both in droves! And I’m all for Fergie reworking the horrible MILF acronym. But on the other hand, the lyrics don’t really deliver. In interviews, Fergie talked about how this song was intended to “empower women who do it all,” praising women with a career, a family, and still time to be sexy. The lyrics are stuck on the latter: a good 80% of the song is about the “still being sexy” part. And you can’t really talk about this song without talking about the video which… kind of smothers any attempt at female empowerment in the male gaze. Not even Fergie’s delightful delivery of “you motherfucker” can’t remove the fact that I’m of two minds about the whole thing.
[5]

William John: I rarely ally myself with the rockist movement, but when taking in the white forcedness of “M.I.L.F. $” I find myself compelled to reach for the where’s-the-authenticity button. Theoretically the sung breakdown should be applauded, given that it serves as reprieve from the Iggy-level rapping. Unfortunately, it wilts in contrast with something subversive and hilarious like the now iconic disruptor “dick in your face,” and not even a battle-round contestant on The Voice would be proud of some of these runs. Awarding a point only for the appearances of Ciara and Chrissy Teigen in the clip.
[1]

Will Adams: “M.I.L.F. $,” if nothing else, is a reminder that before Karmin’s white girl rapping and Jessie J’s overexerted vocals, Fergie offered us both skills in one package. While I’d rather listen to her than Iggy, the production is really the only salvageable aspect here; things get good when Fergie launches into her spelling bee, and the bass kick revs up like a motor. The rest plays like a comeback puff piece, with a ridiculous, star-studded video to distract you from the fact that this isn’t much of a song at all.
[5]

Iain Mew: The song’s aggressive rattle (and to a certain extent its garish video) reminds me of Jolin Tsai’s “Play,” which is to say a bright update of a 2009 pop grind that I miss. The only things keeping me from liking “M.I.L.F. $” as much as “Play” are the way it’s thoroughly limited by its obnoxious yet barely explored lyrical concept, and my preference for dubstep breaks over demonstrations of Fergie’s vocal capabilities, which is definitely a personal thing.
[5]

Katherine St Asaph: Fergalicious, definition, get a pass for nothing. What a different era it was, when this gaudy, rap-interpolating/appropriating brand of electrocrass, the Pop Culture Died in 2009 of music, was so common as to be unremarkable. In 2016, it just seems plain strange. The hook is so forced — “milk money” seems out of a Secret Garden-era children’s book — as to seem the work of a robot given the phrase “I’m so 3008, you’re so 2000 and late” and the brain of a dirty 60-year-old man. Because the centuries-old word “fuck” is too scandalous to be honest about using, “MILF” has been bowdlerized into Moms I’d Like to Follow. What does that even mean? Followers, probably — “moms I’d like to infinitesimally boost in the metrics cherry-sorting of execs” doesn’t work in a hook, does it? Or maybe stalking — it’s the kid-friendly alternative to a fuck! “Fergie” “says” changing the acronym was about “about empowering women who do it all,” the kind of statement that betrays how little the industry respects your intelligence. Meanwhile Tori Amos unceremoniously owned the hook almost ten years ago, don’t you forget, but who needs precedent when we’ve got hating? Specifically, Fergie’s voice sometimes seems assembled solely from the vocal quirks people hate in women — singsong singtalk, gaudy flirtiness, brash occupation of track with see-I-can-sing-ing, general audible effort — so a song held together only by Fergie was bound to grate. Like all her work, there’s an undercurrent of workaday ennui — the song was more interesting when I thought it went “hating ourselves, but I don’t give a fuck,” a rather Shut Up Stella line — but the song’s so slight it barely supports any currents at all. Basically I’d rather listen to writer Jo’zzy solo.
[3]

Alfred Soto: How easy I forget that she and her Black Eyed Peas once inspired fits of pique unseen since the last time a group tried to write a series of anthems for football games and weddings. Ubiquity made them hard to ignore, but I developed serious muscles trying. Back with a hook sung in an addled Kesha-like bleat but without the energy, Fergie has found a novel method of entertaining us. 
[3]

Claire Biddles: Fergie is the thirstiest singer and this is the thirstiest song. There’s so much going on — references to Kelis, crappy euphemisms for anal sex in the first verse, outdated youth slang terms, assurances of her personal wealth, an auntie-at-the-club version of Kanye’s croissant demand… Fergie is eager to please, but “M.I.L.F.$” strikes the balance of needy and endearing — like a 90s girlband singer turning up on The Voice for her last shot at fame, but winning you over through the cynicism. I find Fergie hard to dislike, and this is so much fun. 
[8]

Thomas Inskeep: Fergie’s always been awful — I mean, she brought the world “My Humps” — but this may actually be a new nadir for her. This is barely even music, more just a random computer program belching what it thinks are clever come-ons. 
[0]

Andy Hutchins: Things thought while listening to “M.I.L.F.$”: “This is like a really bad Lonely Island song”; “I think Fergie is making me resent the concept of motherhood”; “…is this for lactation fetishists?”; “That verse on ‘Netflix’ was still pretty good, though!” Things not thought: “Gee, I would enjoy listening to this again.”
[2]

Cassy Gress: Hoooo boy. Doesn’t matter who’s doing it, I am super squicked out by sexualizing breastfeeding. The song reminds me of a less charming “Yum Yum Yum”, which doesn’t help with the feeding connotations, and Fergie suddenly switching into her shouty belt in the bridge ruins whatever is left.
[2]

Brad Shoup: Personal hero Polow da Don bests will.i.am without breaking a sweat. Which is to say: he gives the basspads a workout but he’s not burning the house down. Structurally, Fergie (and her producer, to be fair) adheres to the BEP Frankenstein formula: stitch enough pieces together and someone will like something. Apart from the video, she’s enlivened: the title is nearly weaponized. But it still has to share space with some egregious gospel approximation. A garbage fire can still warm you.
[5]

Leonel Manzanares de la Rosa: I generally love tracks like this one; sonic Frankensteins that explore different beat configurations while coming off with blunt intensity. Only one issue here: Where’s the actual songwriting? 
[4]

Jibril Yassin: This sounds cheap and confusing and messy and I still can’t tell whether this is ripping off The Lonely Island but you know what? The Jock Jams breakdown entirely justified it. 
[5]

Tim de Reuse: So, we’ve all been over the whole “Ineffective parody requires that you actually differentiate yourself from the thing you’re making fun of” thing, right? The opposite must be true too, right — a tune could be so absolutely garbled and incomprehensible in both concept and execution that it inadvertently turns into a convincing satire of the trends it’s jumping onto?
[2]

Edward Okulicz: Would have doubled the score if it had been a new single by Willow Smith, though.
[3]