The Singles Jukebox

Six blurbs before shaqcat.gif was mentioned! I’m proud of us…

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David Turner: Plenty of pop acts get undeserved critical disdain, but I ask: has there been enough hatred aimed in the direction of Jason Derulo? A man who has a number of hit songs that range from offensive (“Talk Dirty”) to vapid (“Whatcha Say”) to not-quite-vomit-inducing (“The Other Side”). “Wiggle,” which sits between “offensive” and “vapid,” begins, “Patty cake patty cake with no hands,” then the fucker eventually get to repeating the phrase “ham sammich.” I only beg of us that the next time we dismiss The Black Eyed Peas or even Jessie J, let’s not forget Mr. Jasoooon Deruloooo.
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Will Adams: He likes big butts and he cannot lie. What he can do is use his Instagram celebrity to leverage booty shaking, literally salivate out a request of “Just a little bit-tle!” like he’s a thirteen year-old who’s just discovered Internet porn, and co-sign pop’s most grating instrumental hook this year. What an ass.
[1]

Anthony Easton: I like the topic of big fat wiggling butts — and what to do with them — better via Sissy Nobby or Big Freedia. At least this has that delightful whistle.
[3]

Alfred Soto: It evokes Juelz Santana and “Wiggle It” but especially “Thong Song,” in which the singer pops every vein in his head in praise of unheralded female awesomeness. Dropping the dance hall twaddle, Snoop returns to rubbing listeners’ noses in PG-13-rated smut. 
[3]

Patrick St. Michel: It’s a celebration of asses in song form, and that’s fine, because each year brings about a new generation of kids who don’t know what “Baby Got Back” is, and they need a butt-centric anthem all their own to dance to awkwardly on the Jumbotron at an NHL game. “Wiggle” is better than “Bubble Butt,” but not quite as good as “Who Booty.” Minus one point, though, for “go ham sandwich,” which is just gross.
[4]

Crystal Leww: Jason Derulo is basically the male Katy Perry, having built his career as a paint-by-numbers pop singer who can do everything from cheap gimmicks to sweet love songs your grandma can get down to and yes, even questionable, icky racial songs that a lot of people love. “Wiggle” is so stupid and Jason Derulo is so bland that I can’t take any of it seriously. Neither can Snoop Dogg, who actually raps “k, boo?” and joking “damn baby / you got a bright future behind you” — so subtle — to close out the track. Still, “Wiggle” is responsible for maybe my new Most Important Thing On the Internet, so can’t hate on it too much for being silly.
[5]

Daniel Montesinos-Donaghy: GIGOLO POLYGLOT RETURNS. Oh lord. I’m not quite sure what this is: budget Morricone overtones, Baauer rips, Trey Songz cloneage, the dirtiest Snoop verse that 2002 has to offer. It’ll be huge for the same reason that “Talk Dirty” was — weirdo tackmeister Wallpaper returns to produce — and inescapable the way that dumb memes are. Such sex, much corny, punt me off this planet, WOW!
[1]

Mallory O’Donnell: This was fine and plenty stupid in the storied stupid summer song tradition until the whole “turn around” bit popped the whole balloon. Do people really want a big emotional uplifting “you’re a star” speech that ends dramatically on the line “you know what to do with that big fat butt?” Stuck in the middle of a booty-clap jam? I am realizing now that they probably do. How sad.
[3]

Scott Mildenhall: No two Jason Derü/ulo singles sound the same. They’re connected mostly by gimmick deployment, or in having some other abstraction brought to the otherwise plain, and this is no exception. It normally works better though. The obligatory gimmick sounds like a child failing to play “Talk Dirty” on the recorder, as if from a YouTube shred of it, and the lyrics would be laughed off by said child. Snoop meanwhile sounds like he recorded his parts on a toy microphone from the pound shop, so there is at least some kind of aesthetic coherence.
[4]

David Lee: Glad to see the FUCKING BEST SONG EVERRR dude has still got it.
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Katherine St Asaph: Do they think they’re Max Martin? Then what’s with all that junk, all that junk inside that melody?
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Josh Langhoff: “Schwing“??? These two nudniks are trapped in like six SNL skits at once.
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Brad Shoup: Can’t believe he teased that Spaghetti Western arrangement. Career-wise, I totally believe he’s exceeding his projections and that’s still bumming me out. Derulo keeps wasting momentum and doodling around a nursery-rhyme cadence, but Snoop’s the one spinning a demented children’s story out of the theme. Amazingly, this is three minutes and feels like one-and-a-half. I think I’ve got time to cut and paste that intro.
[5]

Thomas Inskeep: Jason Derulo is the kind of guy who sings “go ‘head, go ham sandwich,” because he’s afraid if he says “go HAM” (“hard as a motherfucker”) people might get offended. Because he’s a coward. This song is a bad 5th-generation Xerox copy of Snoop’s “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” and Snoop knows better. Jason Derulo, sadly, doesn’t.
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