The Singles Jukebox

Take a good hard look at the motherfucking balcony…

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[5.27]

Martin Kavka: The theme song to a future adaptation of Cyrano de Bergerac, in which Rox (Miley Cyrus) realizes all too late that she has been in love with Syrus (T-Pain) and not Christian (Jesse McCartney).
[5]

Anthony Miccio: With the pimply pimping of “Leavin'” his sole top ten hit, it’s not surprising this actor/singer/songwriter with no apparent allegiance is happy to drop more bubblegum mack game on the populace. The only thing more disappointing than hearing this majestic music wasted on McCartney’s bland booty-baiting is that T-Pain doesn’t walk away with it.
[5]

Michaelangelo Matos: One morning when I was in high school, my mother and I were both up early. I was eating a bowl of cereal and she was reading a magazine. All of a sudden, she looked up at me with a gleam in her eye and said, “Michael! I can speak French! Want to hear some?” I did. “Oui, oui. Mee-mee. Fifi. Si, si,” all in “guttural” “French.” It was funny. This is like that through voice processing and with hand-me-down synths. It’s not as funny.
[4]

Iain Mew: Or “The International Language of Shaking It”. The nonsensical first line raises so many questions that it’s quite impressive when the song does eventually go on to provide answers of sorts. It raises more too, such as where the French and Japanese come in, but all slips down so lightly and smoothly that it’s difficult to be anything but entertained.
[7]

Anthony Easton: Fantastic chorus, and some nice flow.
[7]

Melissa Bradshaw: The premise is cliched, reducing women to randomly fetished foreigners with body parts. It has a stupidly predictable melody with horrible vocal filters (both worthy of Akon). The beat is sickly. Yet when it fans out into eulogising stratospheres of synth and harmony, and T-Pain says she is banging like a speaker box, I am convinced it could actually be a glorious tribute to the wonders of the female body.
[7]

Alex Ostroff: Not initially ingratiating, but most of Departure was gradual earworms, so I’m willing to give this the benefit of the doubt. T-Pain’s “Nappy Boy, Pretty Boy collaboraaaation. That thing you got behind you is amaaaaazin’.” intro is worth at least a [3] by itself. Extra points for awkward internationalisms. This is the second Jukebox track in as many days to blatantly mangle the phrase “Parlez-vous Francais?”, after all. The original mix of this features The-Dream-esque AY!s, and like Terius circa Love/Hate, McCartney isn’t actually popular enough to quote himself, but does so anyway. It’s the sound of pop cannibilizing itself, and it’s almost endearing.
[7]

Alfred Soto: Whether it’s Prince’s “International Lover” or Jay-Z’s “Girls Girls Girls,” the key to successful cosmopolitanism in song requires a confidence in your game so complete that you can afford to giggle at yourself. This single’s problem is that McCartney and T-Pain are neither confident nor funny — unless T-Pain expects the girl to regard the use of Auto-Tune as fluency in a foreign tongue.
[4]

Chuck Eddy: I liked “How Do You Sleep?”‘s sweet bubblesoul a lot more before Ludacris mucked it up. Don’t know the pre-T-Pain version of “Body Language” (and don’t feel like comparing them now), but I’ll take a wild guess that this is no improvement, either. The foreign words are cute. But the “make me wanna say…” parts keep reminding me of that stupid R&B hit the radio’s been playing all summer where the guy sounds like he’s saying “I wanna pee on you” even though he probably isn’t.
[5]

Sophie Green: This track is divided between two extremes: the deflated, cheering “hey”s in the chorus sum up its lacklustre timidity, whilst the ridiculous overuse of autotune is far too demanding. Escalating the pitch of your words doesn’t make a sentiment more passionate — it just makes it exhaustingly histrionic (unless T-Pain’s singing about having sex with a mermaid on a boat, of course).
[2]

John Seroff: T-Pain is in fine form here, helming a clanking clockwork beat smoothed by What’s Up-style HAY-AY-AYYY chants and faux-polylingual, immensely silly lyrics (only in T-Pain’s world is “that thing you got behind you is aMAZing” an acceptable and ar-tick-u-lit introduction). McCartney is certainly no Timberlake but he’s sufficiently charming and innocuous to shotgun this ride without unduly embarrassing himself. Between “Body Language”, “I’m On a Boat” and his triumphant cameo on the most recent Auto-Tune the News, Teddy Penderass is establishing himself as the go-to producer of dopey white-boy R&B. I look forward to the inevitable Stephin Merritt collabo, “Get It Wet N Put It On Me”.
[8]

Al Shipley: Just as rock bands only get props from hip hop fans if they’re Coldplay-level huge, white pop singers that go R&B only get attention from urban radio if they’re as big as Timberlake. And though McCartney’s gradually become a really consistent singles artist, he just hasn’t blown up enough in the pop world to make the crossover he’s trying for here. There was no reason he had to have a 2nd single featuring the phrase “that thing you got behind you is amazing,” and T-Pain has never been a more pointless accessory.
[4]

Martin Skidmore: The music swings along nicely enough, but his vocals sound basic and mechanical in delivery even without the roboticised tones, and it never really takes off. It feels kind of like an opening verse all the way through.
[5]

Ian Mathers: Even with those regal, pillowy synths and some fine work by T-Pain here, Jesse McCartney still sounds like a twerp. Which is a damn shame, because with better lyrics and a less annoying singer this is an 8, easily.
[6]

Andrew Brennan: I like this about as much as Heidi Montag’s Body Language single, which is to say I liked it more than I was expecting, but I was expecting it to be about as pleasant as a knife wound. Actually it’s about as pleasant as a trip to the dentist.
[3]