The Singles Jukebox

A UK Christmas number… eight!

[Video]
[6.50]

Josh Langhoff: Of all the ways to go top 10, launching a Christmas number one campaign from a gussied up version of a park freestyle over a three-year-old beat has gotta be one of the best. Shame on me, I guess, for never having rated Stormzy before, but this low-key bit of flute grime is hypnotic. With an endearing chorus of goons chiming in on choice words, Stormzy navigates the travails of Twitter beef and awards shows like he’s thrilled to appear in both.
[7]

Brad Shoup: Everything is flattened in the studio take, from the track to the crowd. (But there’s something charming about the clipped “you ain’t even lord of your yard.”) Stormzy talks about catching feelings but he’s so damn emotional here. The taped squad may be the one edge the studio takes: he’s not riding fifteen head nods and the occasional pan, so he’s got to provide the bulk of the threat. Not a lot of jokes here, just meanness, meant.
[7]

Thomas Inskeep: Stormzy’s a good, if unspectacular, MC, but this track does him no favors; it just kinda sits there limply. There’s a reason this was originally a b-side to a freestyle.
[5]

Alfred Soto: The contrast is between Stormzy’s sour malevolence and the beauty of the woodwind hook. A beautiful idea to listen to.
[6]

Leonel Manzanares de la Rosa: DJ XTC’s “Functions on the Low” is a legendary instrumental and it deserves a lot of respect. You just don’t rap over it unless you’re gonna freakin’ murder it. Fortunately, Stormzy did, silencing the critics and even earning an impressive Top 10 hit in the process. His voice fuses wonderfully with the track’s airy synths, in a way that maybe only Flowdan‘s voice could, and his rapping is determined, but fun. It’s not much of a “Freestyle” in the strict sense, but who cares? It’s brilliant.
[8]

Micha Cavaseno: Having referred to “Shut Up” being so good in the review for the other installment in his Wicked Skengman Series, I just want to point out all the things that make this freestyle video (the song’s true origin) great. 1) 0:23, where Stormzy giggles at how he’s “Reppin, innit” as his friend shouts out “YEAH, FIRE IN THE PARK!” 2) The “back-up dancer” bars, referencing his participation in Kanye’s “All Day” performance being mocked by ol’ Almond-Head Prickmunk, which sent him scurrying away to get easier victories against a fellow mediocrity like Bugzy Malone. 3) XTC’s “Functions On The Low,” one of the more emotive grime instrumentals ever, provided by East London’s Ruff Sqwad camp and still the one I remember from Limewire as “Havana.” 4) Why would anyone listen to the studio version? Its Stormzy’s crew boosting him for ad-libs that truly make this performance, an extra air of force and authority behind him that conveys his majesty. Stormzy has 16 people backing him at a time with every performance, echoing his sentiments. He’s chosen elect, the People’s Champ, and he’s leading the charge. Why would you want to remove that air and aura? 5) 2:23 “BOW!” 6) The way the flow falls apart and Stormzy scurries off, letting it end abruptly. While the next installment of the Skengmen would find its charm with how many times Stormzy has to restart because of crowd enjoyment and how he couldn’t keep his performance perfect, its the instantaneous drive and passion that makes “Shut Up” so unique.
[7]

Andy Hutchins: An ethereal flute line or two buried under some tough-guy talk and punches so predictable Foreman could dodge them. Like, 2016 Foreman. Would it kill Stormzy to shut up and let the beat breathe?
[5]

Jonathan Bogart: That beat sounds like it’s off a fifteen-year old Putumayo sampler, but Stormzy’s low-key charisma is such that even that doesn’t count as a strike against him.
[7]