The Singles Jukebox

I gotta feeling will.i.am ain’t too popular ’round these parts.

[Video][Website]
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Iain Mew: Danny From The Script and will.i.am have both been responsible for a lot of terrible songs, and have never even been a welcome vocal presence on songs which weren’t terrible. Amazingly, they still aren’t the coaches on The Voice who I’d least like to hear add their own vaguely Olympian platitudes to the backing from Nicki Minaj’s already horrible “Marilyn Monroe”. So, one point for not being Jessie J.
[1]

Will Adams: The pairing is straight out of my nightmares, but the result is far worse than I could have imagined. It starts with the chord progression I knew it would have before it started (vi-IV-I-V, repeat), then apes will.i.am’s flow on “T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever),” then explodes into a chorus Ryan Tedder would have rejected for being too cloying. This makes me miss Fergie. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW MUSIC COULD DO THAT.
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Brad Shoup: A monument to the most deluded kind of major-label careerism. A career compendium is shoehorned in as a timefiller, but make no mistake: these kings of shopping-mall ambience are the energy source that keeps Clive Davis alive and croaking. Check the way they deploy that metaphor as a positional direction: be like Script ‘n’ Will and get embalmed in a corporate dollhouse, feted by people for whom success can be achieved by any means but is always measured in money. Danny Script squalls like his mommy’s leaving him behind in the department store, driving exceptionalism into our skulls with every iteration of that beige chord progression. This hall’s a shitty place to live, and I don’t plan on visiting.
[0]

Anthony Easton: I liked will.i.am better when his messianic narcissism was centered on high-end fashion and Fergie’s surgically perfected tits. I trust him less when it’s directed to politics. Two points because the piano made me giggle.
[3]

Alfred Soto: AARP: we’ve got a theme for you.
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Katherine St Asaph: “You can be the world, you can be the war.” World War One? Two? Three? Nah.
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Jonathan Bogart: Not nearly bad enough to be worth the energy of hating.
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Patrick St. Michel: Of course it’s boring – that’s the point.
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Mallory O’Donnell: We hold these chords to be self-evident, that all sentimentality is valued equally, that each song/being is imbued with its’ creatron with certain unenviable rites, to wit : owning crap, going through puberty and the pursuit of enshrining one’s own self-indulgence in some kinda crazy “Hall of Fame.” 
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Jer Fairall: Dudes, you just missed the Olympics, but fear not, this year was more about fascist anthems than inspirational schlock anyway.
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