The Singles Jukebox

Mildly exciting the teenage girls of Britain since 2008…

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[6.20]

Alfred Soto: Justin Timberlake’s influence grows with his radio silence, and while the falsettos are as blank as The Master’s circa 2001 the vehemence of the strummin’ and the claustrophobia of the production should scare the shit out of Justin Bieber. 
[8]

Katherine St Asaph: “Justin Bieber reminds me of Vanilla Ice,” said a houseguest the other day. I forget the context. It couldn’t have been the music — that was happy hardcore. It couldn’t have been this, either, as the Stateside boy-band bloc remains determined to pretend JLS don’t exist despite fawning over The Wanted and One Direction. For some reason. I’d been forgoing the side-eye on grounds of JLS generally sucking, but whether due to greater competition, the chance of a big break, artistic development, whatever, they’ve now rendered “Boyfriend” redundant. Sure, the better phrase would be the hottest audio levels in the world right now; sure, the verses are shit (never say “toyfriend” or “sexiness” again), but this has fire rather than limp swag. If this doesn’t cross over, yep: something’s up.
[7]

Iain Mew: Musically it’s fine, but a world in which sexiness is not multifarious but rather monolithic and finally defined sounds a depressing place. Other problems: “toyfriend;” the construction “hottest x in the world right now” being redolent of Zane Lowe and empty hyperbole.
[3]

Brad Shoup: How does it feel to be the hottest girl in the world right now? “Pretty damn good,” said my girlfriend when pressed for comment. “Hottest Girl in the World” is astoundingly shameless, using a dancehall exclamation (Bangladesh does it again!) as the jump-off for a frantic mix of “Like I Love You”-style acoustic snap, constant falsetto, chopped-up high-hat work, and endless Bieber jocking. And there’s a museum-quality MJ breakdown! I surrendered within the first minute, mostly cos of the breakneck tempo.
[8]

Jonathan Bogart: Add it to the list of surprisingly effective and dramatic male-sung R&B songs that this year has produced. (Surprising only because I’m unapologetically biased towards female-sung pop.) Usher, Ne-Yo, Miguel, and Frank Ocean have raised the game (not perhaps hard to do, as Chris Brown and Drake were the biggest names for the past couple of years), so that even a trifle like this snaps and weaves and soars like the best of classic Boyz II Men. Unlike One Direction, there’s no subtle negging involved in their heteropatriarchal objectification ritual, and dude’s voice has gotten creamy. (I’ll need one more good single before I look up his name.)
[8]

Kat Stevens: Seeing as Justin Timberlake appears determined to abandon pop forever, it is fair that the songs that would perfectly suit his irresistible falsetto and fleet footwork are dished out to those with a higher dedication to a) producing noises at chihuahua frequency b) spinning around on the spot very quickly. “Hottest Girl In The World” is a great example, JLS having mercifully swapped the tired old Club Synth Preset #1 for future-sexx handclaps (which their fellow X Factor alumni Little Mix have done so well out of recently). Unfortunately the boys are lacking their usual cheekiness that would make winners out of duff lines like “sexiness that’s finally been defined”. There’s just not enough personality-stamping here to make me forget about Justin. 
[8]

Anthony Easton: I wonder if the hottest girl in the world right now (who goes nameless) has any number of other charming features, that you could elucidate; and if she doesn’t maybe some detail on why she’s the hottest girl in the world? 
[2]

Jonathan Bradley: The hook, I assume, is the work of an alternate-universe sports commentator conducting a post-game interview. Answers girl-in-question, “OH YEAH, I’M STOKED. EVERYTHING WENT RIGHT TODAY, I GAVE 110 PER CENT OUT THERE — IN FACT, THE WHOLE TEAM PUT IN A GREAT EFFORT, AND I’M REALLY PROUD OF EVERYONE RIGHT NOW. THIS FAKE TIMBERLAKE SHIT IS OK TOO.”
[6]

Will Adams: Somebody involved clearly listened to Celebrity a couple hundred times before arriving at the studio. Not necessarily a bad thing, and I like the back-and-forth between the falsetto and modal voice lines in the verses, but the amount of treble in this is rather unacceptable.
[5]

Zach Lyon: This Bangladesh beat is killer and it’d sound great on American radio (hypothetically, duh). It’ll be a great song once they replace the dummy lyrics.
[7]