Getting Rostrum Records that Coffee Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz®…

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[4.10]

Katherine St Asaph: Considering that Ben and Jerry’s real tie-ins include Bonnaroo Buzz, Taste the Lin-Sanity and Dave Matthews Band® Magic Brownies™ Encore Edition, and a second-banana Wiz Khalifa protegee probably isn’t high on their hypothetical client list, this isn’t so bad. Except nobody ate ice cream wanting more innuendo and good/bad guy angst, and nobody’s been named Jerry for decades, which neatly severs the conceit from real life, and “have it your way” isn’t even the right brand — OK, yeah, it is in fact that bad. I could pick on anything, really, but I’ll stick to this: who the fuck is she talking to? Herself, which’d be too much dessert-related bellyaching for Bridget Jones? Some other guy, maybe her real soulmate? The listener, who between the chippy trap beat and Vali’s perpetual pointless hurry feels like she’s about to lose Cake Mania? I can’t decide, what do I do?
[1]

Scott Mildenhall: No bigger a quandary than the one faced here has been posed in the whole of popular music since Rebecca Black’s still-unsolved “which seat can I take?”. It’s a charmingly naff and restrained lyrical conceit in a pretty catchy song, aided by the glitchy production. Still, if she’s after free stuff via namechecking, she could have set her sights a bit higher — does she not want to wake up in a new Bugatti?
[7]

Will Adams: This caught-between-two-choices song was done far better thirteen years ago.
[1]

Brad Shoup: This sounds like Bey’s work on Survivor, but the care, such as it is, is given to the lyrical conceit. (That mincing synth line is buried in the mix.) I’ll say this: I like the caught-between-two songs where the singer savors his/her good fortune. Vali walks the bars nimbly, but a bit too quickly.
[3]

Rebecca A. Gowns: This reminds me of baby Rihanna in more than a few ways. The production sounds like it was done on a laptop, but, like, with really nice pirated software. The song is sorta average, but it’s very endearing, and I feel like Vali might have the potential to be a B-list pop star. B+ list. She’s so cute!
[6]

Alfred Soto: The percussive track is thin and brittle, an ideal musical correlative for a lyric as superficial and gooey as ice cream.
[6]

Iain Mew: The metaphor gets into the dangerous territory of the story following the joke opportunities, rather than the reverse, before the end of the first verse (“he’s always half-baked”) where it has nowhere better to go from there. But the beat is a good enough match to Vali’s performance, and its mixture of hardness and sweetness just about make it a pleasure anyway. I’m reminded of the way Girls Aloud sell some of the stupider lyrics with a knowing confidence.
[6]

Anthony Easton: This is so fucking pretty. The snare drum adds a bit of tension, and the vocals are super smooth. I suspect she knows that she could have them both, and that’s okay. 
[7]

Crystal Leww: That first verse is bursting with personality and fun, but it starts going downhill with the chorus, and all character is gone by the bridge. There is no reason why this song needs to slow down and get so serious. It’s an ice cream metaphor, for God’s sake.
[4]

Patrick St. Michel: What pushes this to a [0]: 1. the decision to name the dudes Vali is split between Ben and Jerry, which takes this from stupid to baffling and 2. no mention of Phish Food. Way to miss entirely what the company is about.
[0]