Dermot O’Leary: Gooooooorevenin’ ladies gennulmun, and welcome to THE SINGLES JUKEBOX END-OF-YEAR BEST-OFF 2009!

*CROWD CHEERS WILDLY*

Yes and it’s a very, very important show here tonight, as it’s The Last. Of. The Group. Stages. Yes, five songs will be going in tonight, but only two will make it through to the second round of the competition. Here to give their thoughts on tonight’s songs – issy X Factor Judges!!!

*CROWD CHEERS MORE WILDLY*

Right, first up we’ve got “Llllloba” by our little Colombian firecracker, Shakira Shakira, so good Wyclef – WYCLEF, EVERYBODY!

*CROWD CHEERS LIKE IT WAS THE AYATOLLAH’S FUNERAL ALL OVER AGAIN*

Yes, that’s right, so good Wyclef named her twice. Louis Walsh, what do you make of it?

Louis Walsh: Dermot – I gotta tell you, Dermot, well, what we’re looking for here tonight is the best single of 2009, and Dermot, y’know, I mean, Shakira’s got it all.

*CROWD CHEERS LIKE AT THE END OF ROCKY 4*

I mean, she’s got the look, she’s got the voice, she’s contemporary, she’s modern, the kids love her, she’s having fun up there, and I really think she’s got what it takes to go all the way and win this thing.

Dermot O’Leary: Thanks Louis, now our next one is “Sweat It Out” by our very own Mr Smooove himself, The-Dream – what are your thoughts on that one, Mzzzzz Dannym’nogue?

Dannii Minogue: Well, Dermot. I don’t know about the rest of the girls in the audience, but that certainly made me sweat!

*CROWD CHEERS LIKE CANADA HAS JUST BEEN REALLY GOOD AT ICE HOCKEY*

The beat, the song, the voice – it was all working tonight, it was fun, it was funky, it was cool, it was contemporary and I really hope he gets what he deserves for it.

*CROWD CHEERS LIKE AUSTRALIA HAS JUST BEEN REALLY GOOD AT RUGBY LEAGUE*

Dermot O’Leary: Dream, of course, real name’s Terius Nash, he’s had an incredible three – three – singles in this year’s Best-Off, but not one of them has managed to make it into the second round thus far. Will tonight be his night well we’ll just have to Wait And See. Now. Next up, another feller who’s not had much luck so far in the tournament, it’s our very own Mr Smooove himself, Maxwell and his “Pretty Wings”, so let’s find out what our own Geordie songbird, Mzzzzz Sherrullcole, has to say about it. Cheryl?

Cheryl Cole: I tell yer what, the moment I heard this song, I really fell in love with it, I really did.

*CROWD CHEERS LIKE SOMETHING AT A NASCAR RACE HAS EXPLODED*

He brings so much energy to the song, he makes it cool, it’s sexy, it’s funky, it’s modern, it’s contemporary, and I think it deserves to be in the second round.

*CROWD CHEERS LIKE AUSTRALIA HAS JUST BEEN REALLY GOOD AT RUGBY UNION*

Dermot O’Leary: Fantastic, thanks for that Cheryl – now then. Misser Simoncowll. Our fourth track in this heat is “You’re a Jerk” by New Boyz, what do reckon its chances are?

Simon Cowell: Look, Dermot. I’ve got to be honest – I don’t think they’ve got what it takes to go any further in this competition.

*CROWD BOOS LIKE CRISTIANO RONALDO JUST KICKED A PUPPY*

Look, OK, maybe it’s just me, but perhaps I don’t think that just having some chorus where someone calls someone else a jerk, y’know – to me, that isn’t music, that’s not what this competition is about, and I don’t think it deserves to go any further. But, y’know, that’s just my opinion, if you want to boo, great, but if there’s one thing this competition, and this site, doesn’t do, it’s negativity and cynicism, and I don’t see that a song with two guys talking about being that word fits in with what we’re trying to do here.

Dermot O’Leary: Strong words, as always, and I’ve just been told we’ve run out of time to talk about our fifth song, which is “So Good“ by Electrik Red – anyone got any thoughts on that? No? OK, then…

—

Andrew Brennan: “Loba” is brilliant, sensual, passionate, and it has disco strings (5 points)! “Pretty Wings” is a sweet song that gets a bit sappy, but its passion and catchiness rate it above the rest of the songs in this group (3 points). I disliked “You’re a Jerk” at first, now I appreciate the synth pings and use of the “you’re a jerk” line as a sound element rather than a lyric (2 points). It’s more playful and interesting than The Dream and Electrik Red. “Sweat It Out” is mostly slow and plodding (1 point), and it’s saved by its slightly catchy chorus, and I hate “So Good”’s smarmy swinging beat. We already have an excellent song of the same name by Rachel Stevens — this is completely unnecessary (0 points).

STANDINGS: Shakira 5, Maxwell 3, Boyz 2, Dream 1, Red 0

Andrew Casillas: This was a pretty difficult group to rank. However, there was no major issue with the top. “Loba” is one of the most infectiously fun songs of the year, full of dizzy disco strings and delightfully off the wall Shakiraisms (5 points). “Pretty Wings” (3 points) edges “You’re a Jerk” (2 points) slightly, mostly because Maxwell’s patient, reverent vocal is in full power on the former, while the latter could theoretically have been sung by anyone with the right fitting pants. Electrik Red (1 point) got the nod over their svengali The-Dream (0 points). Not because I have anything against the-Dream, I love the guy. It’s just that “So Good” will probably be the best song that Electrik Red will ever record, and “Sweat It Out” is not even one of the best 5 songs on Love vs. Money. Gotta give the girls a little bit of credit.

STANDINGS: Shakira 10, Maxwell 6, Boyz 4, Dream 1, Red 1 (KONNNN-VIIIICT)

Jessica Popper: This group was quite difficult as I wasn’t a big fan of any of the songs. “Loba” was my first choice simply for the reason that’s it by Shakira, and she is a brilliant, unique popstar (5 points). I quite enjoyed the Electrik Red song and thought they looked cool in the video (3 points). I chose “Sweat It Out” as my third favourite as it reminded me slightly of Nivea’s brilliant single, “Laundromat” (2 points). Maxwell’s song is pleasant listening but a little too mellow for my tastes (1 point). My least favourite was “You’re a Jerk”, which was amusing for about 30 seconds before it got annoying (0 points).

STANDINGS: Shakira 15, Maxwell 7, Boyz 4, Red 4, Dream 3

Hillary Brown: Two of the strongest songs of the year top this list, and Shakira (5 points) just barely beat out The-Dream (3 points). “Loba” may be the best single she’s ever released, with its Residents-esque choir of harmonizing robot voices that suggest Daft Punk gone to heaven, while “Sweat It Out” is warm, sexy, and wonderful. It’s a tough decision between those too. Fortunately, the other three are easier, with a fairly catchy but not tremendously inspired song from Electrik Red (2 points), Maxwell being smooth and classy but relatively boring (as usual) (1 point), and New Boyz supplying the soundtrack to a dance that really isn’t much of an improvement over “Chicken Noodle Soup” (0 points).

STANDINGS: Shakira 20, Maxwell 8, Dream 6, Red 6, Boyz 4

Mallory O’Donnell: This contest is all about hunger — almost everyone here is dealing with some recycled-sounding music, so they’ve been rated according to how hard they sound like they want it. New Boyz wind up on top (5 points) because they link the insouciance of today’s hip-hop youth with the naifness of hip-hop past, and have fun doing it. Ditto Elektrik Red with R&B (3 points), who breathe life into a truly mediocre set of lyrics (or should that read ‘lyric’?). Maxwell (2 points) & The Dream (1 points) both struggle with the meh, but Maxwell at least seems like he’s trying to care. And despite everyone else just loving Shakira’s attempt to Thriller-ize this electroclash reject she found in the studio archives, I found it repulsive and dated (0 points), like taking your zombie grandmother to the cluuub.

STANDINGS: Shakira 20, Maxwell 10, Boyz 9, Red 9, Dream 7

Matt Cibula: Much more difficult, sincerely love all four of the top five here and “You’re a Jerk” is adorable (0 points). But had to go with all the unfolding dirty beauty of the The-Dream cut (5 points) slightly over the tumbling lush Maxwell track (3 points), and both of those over “So Good” (although the Lil Wayne remix would have been top two) (2 points) and “Loba” (1 point), which I will play at every party I ever attend but is still a half-step down.

STANDINGS: Shakira 21, Maxwell 13, Dream 12, Red 11, Boyz 9

Jonathan Bradley: “Gotta keep it separate like the Jim Crow laws”: Whatta jerk indeed! But 2009 was the year of the Jerk, from Kanye West gatecrashing Taylor Swift at the VMAs to a couple douchebags gatecrashing the White House, and of, course, a host of cocky Los Angelinos, including this duo, who with their high school dance parties, gatecrashed the American charts (5 points). It’s almost the polar opposite of the luxurious ode to cheating The-Dream’s came up with for the ladies of Electrik Red; listening to “So Good” I feel just like they do, singing, “I shouldn’t have let you hit that, cause now I can’t forget that.” Ooh, shit, damn, indeed (3 points). Dream has a hit of his own in contention here, but his girl’s mussed-up hair just ain’t that sexy, and his synth bed, usually so intoxicating, is a little too bare this time round (1 point). His attention to detail in the lyric should have carried over into the instrumentation. But at least he’s trying to do something interesting with R&B; Maxwell shoots for tasteful, and, save for a couple of B-grade Prince moments, ends up with soul more akin to margarine than butter (0 points). I believe Shakira’s half-hearted howls over his empty mutterings. But who wouldn’t enjoy lycanthrope disco (2 points) over “grown and sexy” boilerplate that is far less interesting than being either grown or sexy? Too harsh? “Sorry that it hurts.”

STANDINGS: Shakira 23, Boyz 14, Red 14, Dream 13, Maxwell 13

Anthony Miccio: Smirking over fast snap (New Boyz, 5 points). Imitating a trumpet over lithe disco (Shakira, 3 points). Improvising a sequel to “Playin’ With Your Hair” (The-Dream, 2 points). Reading said improviser’s romantic fantasies back to him (Electrik Red, 1 point). Reading romantic poetry on BET Jazz (Maxwell, 0 points).

STANDINGS: Shakira 26, Boyz 19, Red 15, Dream 15, Maxwell 13

Erick Bieritz: It was Terius “The Dream” Nash’s year – everyone else just tried to keep up. Sometimes all a great pop song needs is a slightly different way to say something so familiar, and Terius found one in the simultaneously sensual and sophisticated “Sweat It Out” (2 points). As if his own output wasn’t enough to lock in his end-of-year credentials, he and cohort Tricky Stewart teamed with Electrik Red to create a fantastic, stately, pneumatic drill march, vivified by four wonderfully limber voices (5 points). “Loba” freezes disco thump and clipped guitars in a desert night chill punctuated by Shakira’s terribly fun howl (3 points). Maxwell’s surprisingly delicate “Pretty Wings” (1 points) and the Schoolly D-esque “You’re a Jerk” (0 points) are solid entries, but come in a distant fourth and fifth in this particularly strong group of songs.

FINAL STANDINGS

1) Shakira, “Loba” – 29 points
2) Electrik Red, “So Good” – 20 points
3) New Boyz, “You’re a Jerk” – 19 points
4) The-Dream, “Sweat It Out” – 17 points
5) Maxwell, “Pretty Wings” – 14 points

—

And it’s another shocker, as Electrik Red overcome only carding a 5.00 in the regular season to snatch second place from New Boyz by a single point, thus getting a chance to avenge their four-times slain master in the next round. Maxwell can console himself with having topped the R&B chart for, like, eight months or something, while Shakira’s reasonably runaway-esque win stands her in good stead for the knockout stages.

Brian Moore: Hello again, I’m Brian Moore, and I’m here to bring you the draw for the second round of this The Singles Jukebox End-of-Year Best-Off 2009. Just a reminder that from here on in, it’s a straight knockout tournament – the remaining sixteen songs will face each other in head-to-head clashes, with the winner of each match progressing to the quarter-finals, then those winners progress to the semi-finals, before the grand final, where two songs will battle it out to be named The Singles Jukebox’s Most Best Single of 2009.

We now cross live to London, where Graham Kelly will conduct the draw for the second round.

Graham Kelly: Hello.

The draw for the second round of The Singles Jukebox End-of-Year Best-Off 2009 is as follows:

“You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift
versus
“Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)” by Florence and the Machine

“Hyph Mngo” by Joy Orbison
versus
“Loba” by Shakira

“Hey Playa! (Moroccan Blues)” by DJ Quik & Kurupt
versus
“Da Style Deh” by Busy Signal

“House of Flying Daggers” by Raekwon featuring Inspectah Deck, Method Man, GZA and Ghostface
versus
“The Girl and the Robot by Royksopp featuring Robyn

“Zero” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
versus
“Fifteen by Taylor Swift

“Lisztomania” by Phoenix
versus
“Trap Goin’ Ham” by Pill

“9xs Outta 10” by DJ Quik & Kurupt
versus
“So Good” by Electrik Red

“Stillness is the Move” by Dirty Projectors
versus
“Heads Will Roll” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

That completes the draw.

Brian Moore: Many thanks to Graham, there, and if there’s one thing that draw proved, it’s that there really are no easy games at this level, and I’m sure you’re just as excited as I am at what looks set to be an very closely fought second round. The pick of the round looks to be that battle between “Fifteen” and “Zero”, the two songs that managed to get the third and fourth-highest scores in the regular season; there’s also tough ties in prospect for our two giant-killers, Dirty Projectors and Electrik Red, as they prepare to face the might of “Heads Will Roll” and “9xs Outta 10” respectively, while “You Belong With Me” certainly won’t be taking anything for granted against surprise package Florence and the Machine.

Now, due to a combination of the recent bad weather in the North of England, the recession, sleepiness and other factors, the schedule for the tournament has been delayed somewhat – these second-round ties will now begin on Sunday 27th December, with the quarter-finals, semi-finals and final following in the week commencing Monday 4th January. For now, though, we’ll leave you with a song that just narrowly missed out on qualifying for the finals – Jazmine Sullivan’s “Lions, Tigers and Bears” – and wish you all a Merry Christmas.

John Madden Football ’92: Good evening sports fans, I’m popular American sports commentator JOHN MADDEN FOOTBALL ’92! IT’S IN THE GAME! I’m here to redress the balance of framing in this tournament away from those pansy-assed Euro-donkey commentators that THE GREAT FANS OF THIS The Singles Jukebox End-of-Year Best-Off 2009 have been forced to endure during this GREAT tournament! PHIL LIGGETT – GET OFF YOUR BICYCLE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN! GRRRRG! I’ve heard a lot of speculation that OUR GREAT COMMISSION has never in actual fact heard me commentate on any form of sporting endeavour, and has never even PLAYED MY GOD-DAMN GAME ON THE SEGA MEGA SYSTEM 32, but for those people, I will only say this – I’LL SEE YOU AT WRESTLEMANIA XV! GRRRRRG!

But now let’s look at the contenders in THIS, the seventh group stage of our first round. FIVE songs go in, but only TWO will progress to the second-round stage, and without question the headline event of this event is that the group contains not ONE, but TWO songs by hit-making R&B sensation THE-DREAM!

Manish Bhasin: The-Dream’s real name is Terius Nash, of course.

John Madden Football ’92: You bet your ass it is! Today, we’ll be seeing his solo single “Rockin’ That Shit” go heads-down face-up against “My Love”, his collaboration with titanium-platinum-alloy All-American diva Mariah Carey. Paging David and Goliath – GET YOUR ASSES BACK TO THE K-MART, BECAUSE THIS “CLASH OF THE TITANS” THING JUST GOT REAL! And THEN we have our SECOND appearance in this tournament by DJ QUIK & KURUPT, who bring the double-up full-on all-in-your-grill DRUM WARFARE of “9xs Outta 10” to the table – AND YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE THEY’RE GONNA EAT WITH THEIR FINGERS!!!

AND THERE IS MORE! Six WHOLE feet more – VV Brown brings the ONLY UK top 40 hit in this group to the big dance, as “Shark in the Water” gets ready to BITE A CHUNK OUT OF POP MUSIC’S ASS!!! Oh, and there’s also Joy Orbison’s “Hyph Mngo”, but that’s just noise, it’s not really music, is it? Do you remember Helen Shapiro?

—

Cecily Nowell-Smith: Like many other people, I’ve spent a lot of time this year (and even some money) on records The-Dream’s been involved in – his own Love vs Money, the Electrik Red album, a slew of other tracks written and/or produced by our friend Terius, with or without Tricky Stewart. Spending that sort of time on one producer’s output, you can’t ignore the idées fixes that crop up. I don’t even mean the repeating themes in the lyrics, statements of sexual politics that one can react to with vague horror or quote-machine glee. What I’m thinking of are repeating snatches of tune, similar lyrical phrasing, a certain plush synth noise, little elements of craft that occur and reoccur in so many of the songs he’s had a hand in. Okay, every producer has certain things they do well, and certain things they do often, but it feels particularly pronounced with this one. The funny thing is that I really don’t mind it – when a line’s rhythm falls suspiciously familiar, it feels… comfortable. I like the way he phrases a tune too well to mind if he uses it again and again, or if another singer just copies the way he sang it on the demo tape. That said, I wish he’d made a more unexpected use of Mariah’s voice in “My Love”, which is good but it’s not.., I’m not sure what it’s not. One thing it’s not (1 points) is the absurd lush grandeur of “Rockin’ That Shit” (5 points): a song about desire rewarded that sounds so hugely sad I can’t quite deal with it. So “9xs Outta 10” is good for its shakiness and surety (3 points), like the shuddering of the ground under the crash of great elephant feet; “Hyph Mngo” has faded a little into amiable background music for me, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t once a viciously exciting noise (2 point); “Shark In The Water”, poor thing, is the VV Brown song I’ve liked the best but in this group it just feels so lightweight, so sixties-via-the-nineties, that I can’t take it seriously (0 points).

STANDINGS: Shit 5, IX/X 3, Mngo 2, Love 1, Shark 0

Dan MacRae: “Who’s willing to go half on the baby?” indeed (“My Love”, 5 points). The-Dream certainly seems to know his way around luxurious hooks and minimalist keyboard lures. It’s almost as though he does this sort of thing for a living. Sidenote: I can’t be the only one grossed out whenever shit (3 points) is used as a positive noun. It’s slang for poo, for goodness sakes. Once the thirty-six minutes of place-setting or whatever pass, “Hyph Mngo” makes for quite the jittery treat (2 points). Elsewhere in the bracket, the angry hopscotch flow of “9x’s Outta 10” is too brittle for me to actively endorse (1 point). Each year, crateloads of rappers employ this sparse beat/swift jab system with sharper results and bars that merit residence in the memory banks. I’m no Sue Thomas F.B.Eye, but I can’t figure out the raves on this one (/puts poncho on for inevitable shitstorm). “Shark In The Water” is sort of troubling because it seems like a tune I could eventually come around on. Right now, it’s a gargle of misplaced ideas barfed out into one big bad idea (0 points). But in the future, I can envision myself on the bus having an epiphany of “Hatchie Matchie! This is amazing! What a fool I was for concluding it was a casserole of reheated faux-soul dogshit. (Sob) And now I’ve missed my stop. Gah!” This will be an Astro-bus seeing as it’s in the future, but you can imagine my concern.

STANDINGS: Shit 8, Love 6, IX/X 4, Mngo 4, Shark 0

Talia Kraines: The Dream ft Mariah sounds like “We Belong Together”’s sparser sister (3 points) but him solo is a really disappointing slow jam (0 points) that just sounds like R Kelly. I love the sample in DJ Quik (1 point), Joy Orbison is a surprise slow burner (5 points), VV Brown I’m put off more by her persona than the song but I think it was massively overlooked by pop fans. It just sounds like faux Xenomania (2 points).

STANDINGS: Love 9, Mngo 9, Shit 8, IX/X 5, Shark 2

Edward Okulicz: To be completely fair, “Shark” (5 points), “9xs” (3 points) and “My Love” (2 points) are almost impossible to split; they each do completely different things and are suited to different moods. “Shark In The Water” strolls and sashays amiably, “9xs out of 10” thrills and puzzles alternately, and “My Love” soaks the listener with its glossy, warm opulence. If I had to pick the world I wanted to be taken into, I’d take the breakfast-in-bed with honey of “My Love”, if one were to rate on objective technicality, the cut-up samples of DJ Quik & Kurupt might edge it, but “Shark In The Water” gets my top vote because it’s not quite sure what it wants to be – mellow summer jam in the verses, big big quirky pop number in the choruses, Lou Reed plagiarism case in the middle eight, and I love all these bits unreservedly. Whatever mood I happen to be in, whether I want to feel loose, tight or silly, VV Brown is just a better fit for me as a pop fan. DJ Quik & Kurupt come in second by accounts of their song (and album!) frequently sounding like absolutely nothing I’ve ever heard before – it scratches an itch I didn’t even know I had! The remaining two songs are strong too, but “Rockin’ That Shit” (0 points) sounds like a dry-run for “My Love” – beat not too different but a bit wonkier, the rush of backing vox under the chorus definitely a close cousin of “My Love”‘s outro but, well, not that it matters, but it doesn’t rock even slightly. Still good! “Hyph Mngo” is disorientingly trippy but listening to it in the preposterous heat of where I am at the moment makes it seem like a blissful window into an air conditioned club somewhere in my wildest imagination (1 point).

STANDINGS: Love 11, Mngo 10, IX/X 8, Shit 8, Shark 7

John M. Cunningham: Compared with Group 6, this is a pretty weak batch of songs. Not only do we have an inferior DJ Quik and Kurupt track (2 points) (“9xs Outta 10” has some welcome bite but feels awfully monochromatic), but two subpar The-Dream tracks (the simplistic “My Love,” featuring a weary-sounding Mariah (3 points) and the routine, colorless “Rockin’ That Shit” (0 points)). So I’m going to surprise myself and put in the top slot a song I’d never heard before this week: VV Brown’s sunny, Natasha Bedingfield-ish (I swear I came up with that before reading our original review)”Shark in the Water” (5 points). After that, I’ll go with the admittedly contagious “My Love,” followed by “9xs Outta 10,” “Hyph Mngo” (a gleaming club track that nevertheless feels bereft of ideas (1 point)), and “Rockin’ That Shit.”

STANDINGS: Love 14, IX/X 10, Shark 12, Mngo 11, Shit 8

Anthony Miccio: Yeah, it’s just a Clipse homage (or might as well just be), but that beat deserves mixtape immortality (DJ Quik & Kurupt, 5 points). And it’s better than The-Dream spinning his wheels (“Rockin’ That Shit”, 3 points) (which is better when Mariah doesn’t crowd in with her own wheel-spinning) (2 points). But at least he has a distinct identity (Mariah too). Can’t say that about most of the retro British songstresses we’ve suffered this year (VV Brown, 1 point). Still, I’d rather hear a lightweight’s songs than have some beatfreak spinning his wheels with an homage to anonymous ’90s techno (Joy Orbison, 0 points).

STANDINGS: Love 16, IX/X 15, Shark 13, Shit 11, Mngo 11

Pete Baran: “Hyph Mngo” is one of my songs of the year, mixing Aphex Twin atmospherics with something genuinely spooky and eventually relentlessly banging (5 points). In comparison, none of the rest really innovate. VV would convince more if she could prove anyone would buy this stuff. It was a great summer song, though, if a bit UK formulaic — and where else is the shark gonna be (3 points)? Quik & Kurupt play a straight, hard bat with the rap and it’s very pleasurable to hear such a good flow over such a choppy backing, though it is probably a bit too clever for its own good (2 points). And that leaves the two Dream tracks. The-Dream ft. Mariah only really comes alive when Mariah is on it, and even then it’s zombified half-life, soft but no-one’s A-game (0 points). As for “Rockin’ That Thing”, it’s super smooth, but super annoying (1 point).

STANDINGS: IX/X 17, Love 16, Shark 16, Mngo 16, Shit 12

David Moore: One of these Dream songs seems indelibly linked the album (“Rockin’ That Shit” (3 points) sounds great as an abstracted echo of the best hook in “Shawty Is the Shit,” that simple do-re-mi-fa ooh-ing, but feels insubstantial as a single), the other (“My Love”, 2 points) I could probably do without altogether. So that makes VV the winner by default here (5 points), even though there are about five songs on her album I like more, including the one where she jacks the Royal Teens/Nair jingle. DJ Quik/Kurupt never clicked, so while I appreciate where everyone is coming from, I just can’t care about these guys (1 point). What starts as a stoopid stomp anthem gets a little too big for its britches, the stuttered vocal sample distracts from the rap and the occasional shit’s-gonna-blow special effects feel superfluous, seems like it’s trying to hard to be so silly. Joy Orbison will only bring out my total inability to write about dance music — makes me want to say things like “minimal,” I guess, but more to the point if I want to listen to little disembodied snatches of melody from aspiring divas rhythmically Cuisinarted over something I can almost dance to, there’s about six hours of UK funky house in my iTunes to choose from before I listened to this one again (0 points). Definitely underrated that deadmau5 song, though, it’s an [8] for sure, so who knows.

STANDINGS: Shark 21, IX/X 18, Love 18, Mngo 16, Shit 15

Michaelangelo Matos: I presume “9x’s Outta 10” will best “Hyph Mngo” in the final tally—it did in regular season play—but having given them both 10s, a decision I’ve only gotten happier with over time, it’s a toss-up for me, and I’ll root for either (Joy Orbison 5 points, DJ Quik & Kurupt 3 points). The-Dream’s Mariah duet (2 points) is an easy sell over “Rockin’” (1 point) —I’ve never found the word “shit” even remotely sexy, and even on the radio (killa) edit it keeps popping into my head, maybe because it’s so obviously been overdubbed. “Shark” is catchy enough for me to recall without any trouble, but it’s got the sincere blandness that sinks so much U.K. R&B (0 points).

STANDINGS: IX/X 21, Shark 21, Mngo 21, Love 20, Shit 16

Frank Kogan: Quik’s beat and Kurupt’s voice stick out their respective feet to trip each other up, and then it’s a constant somersault, not one that *I* can pull myself out of, or want to (5 points). Then, just as I’m settling in my bath for a nice “Hyph Mngo” wash, Joy Orbison takes a cue from Quik and works a sudden stutter-step into the ship’s motor, and there I am, water splashing while my core gets jarred (3 points). I’ve heard it’s therapeutic. VV Brown’s got one of those generically quirky voices that have been going horribly retro on us for the last half-decade, like the office manager getting “giddy” at the Xmas party, mixing drinks and metaphors with equal abandon. Entertains me fine, this time, despite my basic reserve (2 points). The-Dream made the album of my year, but my least favorite tracks were chosen as singles, just as if his genre were country not r&b. Not bad for least favorite, actually, Mariah singing “My Love”‘s sex-mush riff with soft, beautiful insistence (1 point). On “Rockin’ That Shit” Terius Nash continues with the spare lushness that only he can manage — did it superbly on “Fancy,” is kinda boring here (0 points).

STANDINGS: IX/X 26, Mngo 24, Shark 23, Love 21, Shit 16

Renato Pagnani: “9xs Outta 10” is the easy winner of this group for me (5 points), and a contender for Best Rap Song Of 2009 (I dare you to name me five better rap songs from this year, excluding others off of BlaQKout). I’m a bigger Ryan Leslie fan than I am of The-Dream, which probably speaks to my tastes as a listener, but there’s no denying the infectious anticipation of fornication and genuine sense of infatuation the dude brings to “Rockin’ That Shit” (3 points), and I can’t be mad at that. On another day the Joy Orbison track (2 points) might actually take second spot over The-Dream, and even “My Love” makes me warm up to Mariah, a type of singer I’ve never been fond of (1 point). The VV Brown song, however, is so toothless it wouldn’t leave marks if it was the size of a whale (0 points).

FINAL STANDINGS

1) DJ Quik & Kurupt, “9xs Outta 10” – 31 points
2) Joy Orbison, “Hyph Mngo” – 26 points
3) VV Brown, “Shark in the Water” – 23 points
4) The-Dream ft. Mariah Carey, “My Love” – 22 points
5) The-Dream, “Rockin’ That Shit” – 19 points

—

And so VV Brown enters her fifteenth month of not being able to catch a god-damn break, getting pipped at the post by the fair town of Croydon’s sole remaining representative in the competition. Quik & Kurupt eased through, and you’d reckon they’ll give anyone a game in the next round; as for poor old Terius… well, take a wee glance at the sidebar and you’ll notice that the story of his tournament just might not be over yet. Keep your eyes peeled for it later today…

Manish Bhasin: At the start of the day this looked like being one of the most exciting events in The Singles Jukebox End-of-Year Best-Off 2009 so far, and we’ll be bringing you the best of the action from this sixth group stage, which saw five songs competing for just two second round places. With me as always to guide us through the action is Steve Claridge:

Now Steve, before we start, there’s been a lot of speculation as to whether or not this group was actually going to get published, and earlier today the Jukebox Commission issued a statement saying that they were “sleeping” – now, you’ve been a professional for 22 years, have you ever slept?

Steve Claridge: Oh, without question Manish, I mean, regardless of whatever level you’re playing at, you’ve got to accept that, at some point, you are going to fall asleep. I remember during my first spell with Weymouth, I fell asleep for two days, during which time I was sent out on loan to Blyth Spartans, Newport County and Crewe Alexandra, and I woke up to find that I had just scored a penalty in an FA Trophy tie against Kidderminster Harriers.

Manish Bhasin: Great. Now, let’s talk about these songs, and I suppose the only place to start is with DJ Quik & Kurupt – now, “Hey Playa! (Moroccan Blues)” – it’s quite unusual, isn’t it, to see a song title that’s got both an exclamation mark and a set of parentheses in its title, isn’t it, Steve?

Steve Claridge: Well, I’m gonna say no, Manish, and I’ll tell you why. Now, back when I was at Leicester, there was this musician called Sash!, and the fact that he was having all these hits while flagrantly having – I mean, he wasn’t even hiding it – having this exclamation mark, which, there is no doubt in my mind, was not part of his name, but he had it at the end of his name – that annoyed me, there’s something about exclamation marks that’s always annoyed me, but Pontus Kaamark, one day, he saw how annoyed I was getting, and he came over and said, “Steve, sometimes you just have to accept that change happens whether you want it to or not,” and I tell you Manish, that piece of advice has served me really well through the years, even though he then followed it up by revealing that the lads had switched my boxer shorts for a G-string.

Manish Bhasin: Quite, and Kurupt, of course, starred in the film Half Past Dead. Now let’s talk about Shystie ft. DJ Deekline and their song, “Nu Style”. Now, Steve, Shystie was born on Christmas Day 1982 – were you ever into your garage at all, Steve?

Steve Claridge: Well, no, I was always more of an old-school drum ‘n’ bass man myself, though that Sweet Female Attitude song – I’d not say no to that, certainly.

Manish Bhasin: I wonder whatever happened to Glamma Kid? Now, also in this group we’ve got The-Dream ft. Kanye West and “Walking on the Moon” – what do you make of that, Steve?

Steve Claridge: I’ll tell you what I don’t like, Manish. What I don’t like – that face, you know the one that Kanye West pulls, the sort of sneery thing –

Manish Bhasin: The-Dream’s real name is Terius Nash, of course.

Steve Claridge: Exactly, exactly, but what I mean is that you’ve had your success, you’ve had your hits, you’ve inadvertently clowned 50 Cent without really trying – you Don’t. Need. To pull that face. It really ruins it, ruins the video –

Manish Bhasin: Which is set in space – on the moon, in fact.

Steve Claridge: Exactly. You’re on the moon: that should be enough.

Manish Bhasin: Strong opinions, as always, and I don’t doubt you’ve got something to say about this next one: “Daniel” by Bat for Lashes.

Steve Claridge: Well, Manish, I mean, what more is there to say about this girl? What more is there to say? She’s got a head-dress, she enjoys the Karate Kid films, she’s in the car, then she’s not in the car, then she’s crying, or is it the make-up, difficult to tell from this angle, the fellers from the Power Rangers turn up at some point, I think – I mean, it’s very hard to tell what’s going on, but I think, on balance, yes.

Manish Bhasin: It’s a yes from Steve, and that brings us to our last song, bit of a surprise this one being here: “Lisztomania” by Phoenix. Now, Tom Ewing said they “might as well be speaking Martian”, Dave Moore said the melody felt “arbitrary”, Michaelangelo Matos found their blank affect charming but limited – what does that mean Steve, what does that mean in words?

Steve Claridge: Well, I mean, there’s two ways you can look at this, Manish. The first is “Why is this here?” The second is “Does this have a chance?” The third is “Who voted for this?” And I think, realistically, you’ve got to say that the answer to all those questions is “Maybe”.

Manish Bhasin: Thanks Steve, pleasure as always. Now, time for the action, handing you over to Hillary Brown to start us off at the beginning of what has already been an epic encounter.

—

Hillary Brown: This was a fairly easy group to arrange, top to bottom. “Lisztomania” is a strong enough song not to be killed by repetition, but, rather, strengthened (5 points), while “Walking on the Moon,” charming and retro as it is, isn’t quite tippy top among the singles The-Dream’s put out this year. It’s merely pretty, rather than pretty and wacked out or pretty and saturated with real-life love (3 points). Shystie, on the other hand, was guaranteed a bottom slot for running over 7 minutes and zig-zagging all over the place without any kind of unifying feel (0 points). Bat for Lashes’ contribution is arty and atmospheric but fails to take that last step into complete awesomeness (2 points), and DJ Quik & Kurupt have creativity but no real feel for melody (1 points).

STANDINGS: Phoenix 5, Dream 3, Lashes 2, Playa! 1, Shystie 0

Alfred Soto: This was a relatively easy group to rank. After initial reluctance to embrace what I thought was okay rhyming, I warmed to how inexplicable lines like “I will you give writer’s block if you abandon me” rubbed up against the interwoven samples in “Hey Playa! (Moroccan Blues)” (5 points); it evoked a friendlier “Big Pimpin’.” Since my balking at designer-leather slowcore Siouxsie Sioux wannabes like Fever Ray put me in the minority this year, there was no way I could ever warm to something as ludicrous as “Daniel,” but if Yeah Yeah Yeahs could marry gauche, grandiose, and Goth and woo me as a best man, then Bat for Lashes’ overstated synths and stacked harmonies could convince me they’d created a slower version of Sinead O’Connor’s “I Want Ur Hands on Me (speaking of early nineties referents, the violin hook or whatever is almost as insinuating as “Cuts You Up”‘s) (2 points). As for Phoenix, they’re lucky they got some dough for this piece of perky car commercial perkiness (1 point).

Alfred also gave Shystie 3 points and The-Dream 0 points.

STANDINGS: Playa! 6, Phoenix 6, Lashes 4, Shystie 3, Dream 3

John M. Cunningham: Well, one and two are a no-brainer. The sparse, chilling “Daniel” might well be my favorite single of the whole year (5 points), and “Lisztomania”, which makes up for its frustratingly narrow melodic range with sheer infectiousness and exuberance, isn’t far behind (3 points). Ranking the others is a bit more challenging, since I don’t outright dislike any of these. But let’s go with “Hey Playa!” at three (2 points), on account of its inventive sample and refreshing vintage aesthetic (I bet the 13-year-old me would’ve loved this), followed by “Walkin’ on the Moon” (1 point), which isn’t The-Dream’s strongest single from Love vs. Money (that would be “Sweat It Out”) but benefits from a brisker clip than I’m used to from him and an engaging Kanye cameo. Which leaves the playfully rambunctious but ultimately unmemorable “Nu Style” pulling up the rear (0 points).

STANDINGS: Lashes 9, Phoenix 9, Playa! 8, Dream 4, Shystie 3

Alex Ostroff: Shystie’s “Nu Style” is seven minutes of emceeing over a beat simultaneously epic and laid back – a track so impressive that it jumped to the top of the ranks before I was through my first listen (5 points). The opening drum beat and the Latin funk guitar; the string accompaniment at 1:15; the slow revving up of the burble that explodes at 1:30 into a wobbly grimey bit of hit-the-ground-running electro.The outro is damn near Balearic. Honestly, the beat is so incredible that all Shystie had to do was ride it capably without fucking up. That she turns in an impressive performance memorably taunting her detractors and bigging herself up is an added bonus. “Hey Playa!” has an equally memorable beat and commanding performances. Where “Nu Style” twists and morphs, self-consciously changing over its length, Quik & Kurupt’s Moroccan Blues throws together a bunch of totally disparate elements (R&B chorus, note-perfect 90s West Coast revivalism, Middle Eastern chanting) and somehow makes them sound of a piece. Despite this, the song feels totally effortless – a testament to the talent behind it (3 points). On the masterful Love vs Money, “Walkin’ on the Moon “felt like The-Dream at his corniest and most embarrassing, a Michael Jackson pastiche with a Kanye 4.0 guest verse. But, as it turned out, an epic concept suite didn’t have much space for dorky fun, and “Moon” is the only slice of pure joy on the album – nothing else approaches the goofiness of “Shawty is da Sh*!” (2 points). The electronic textures of “Daniel” aren’t too far afield from “Walkin’ on the Moon”, but where Terius dominates the track, taking every opportunity available to sing, holler, and exclaim random syllables, Bat For Lashes fades into the background. While “Daniel”’s an exceedingly pretty and, at times, moving track, it’s in dire need of a climax – a moment where Khan can shine through the fog and touch us, and it never happens (1 point). And as for Phoenix? Well, I enjoy them a great deal, but they’ve always made tight, spare rock songs that I like but don’t love. “Lisztomania” is a step forward, but not enough for them to pull ahead of cohorts as impressive as these (0 points).

STANDINGS: Playa! 11, Lashes 10, Phoenix 9, Shystie 8, Dream 6

Ramzy Alwakeel: Inevitable that the liszt should be led by the quiet wit and flagrant synthesisers of the wild pop opener from Phoenix’s coming-of-age third album (5 points), but the remainder of the group makes up a strong, diverse supporting cast. Best of the also-rans is “Nu Style”, a bewilderingly exhilarating seven minutes of the kind of urban new wave that New Order this decade can only dribble over (3 points), but the competition is close, with Bat for Lashes’ productive wank over “Experiment IV” by Kate Bush coming in third (2 points). The weirdly preppy “Hey Playa!” is rescued by a compulsive chorus (1 point), unlike “Walkin’ on the Moon”, which is produced in gorgeous deference to Duran Duran circa 1982, but let down by a weak melody and rubbish lyrics (0 points).

STANDINGS: Phoenix 14, Playa! 12, Lashes 12, Shystie 11, Dream 6

—

Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes: It’s the halfway point of the group, and we’ve had lots of you getting in touch to give us your thoughts on the action so far – lots of Shystie fans getting in touch, Alex from London says that apparently he’s going to “fold his arms” if “Nu Style” isn’t in the top two. Someone calling themselves SD from London has also been in contact, wondering why we haven’t got any Speech Debelle in this group, and Rodney from Washington also sent us a message saying simply “Phoenix? Seriously? FFS.” First Floor Staircase indeed, Rodney, but now back to the action!

—

Chuck Eddy: The first two singles here have at least a modicum of middle Eastern melodic motif in there somewhere (not to mention people with the letters “DJ” in their name), but Shystie and DJ Deekline’s track just feels more mysterious to me (5 points; DJ Quik & Kurupt, 3 points). Third song is lunar faux Michael Jackson botched by a typically pointless rap guest spot (The-Dream, 2 points); fourth is a cute Kate Bush rip (Bat for Lashes, 1 point); fifth is a snooze, perhaps with “interesting parts” but don’t ask me where anymore (Phoenix, 0 points).

STANDINGS: Shystie 16, Playa! 15, Phoenix 14, Lashes 13, Dream 8

Talia Kraines: I’m massively bored of everyone going on about Bat For Lashes being wonderful, so it’s with some regret that I put her at the top of this list (5 points). I think I was just unlucky in getting a list with four other songs I hadn’t heard before. Shystie has attitude and a banging chorus (3 points). The Dream always manages to create something interesting sounding (2 points). I just didn’t get DJ Quik & Kurupt (1 point), but at least it had something more than Phoenix, who seem to be releasing rehashes of their music from 2000 (0 points).

STANDINGS: Shystie 19, Lashes 18, Playa! 16, Phoenix 14, Dream 10

Keane Tzong: I really like that Phoenix album, OK (5 points)? So the race is for second here, and these are all [7]+ songs, I think. The-Dream takes second (3 points), mostly because I love the video, which out-feys the track itself (0:35 in the video alone). “Walking on the Moon” is pretty good even without visual aids — the Kanye verse is good, and it’s both sweet and incredibly campy. The video for Bat for Lashes’ “Daniel”, viewed as a refresher immediately after “Walking on the Moon”, just proves Natasha Khan / Bat for Lashes can’t vamp half as hard as The-Dream does (2 points). She tries, and “Daniel” is great, but Bat for Lashes’s synthpop is effortful and heavy-handed where The-Dream’s is casual, tossed-off. Both are skillfully done, but there’s a certain ease to The-Dream that puts him ahead. Almost all of the enjoyability of “Hey Playa” could be preserved if you just left the chorus (which, fair play, is immense) on repeat; the rest is no doubt carefully and lovingly arranged to be messy and massive, but I can’t make heads or tails of it, so all I hear is the messiness (1 point). As for Shystie- mostly, I feel as though I’m missing something here. She seems oddly humorless to me, her delivery more sour than sassy. That might even be fine, but she ends up at odds with the instrumental, whose kitchen-sink appropriation of a lot of disparate elements is clever and sly in the ways she is not (0 points).

STANDINGS: Lashes 20, Shystie 19, Phoenix 19, Playa! 17, Dream 13

Erika Villani: Music that reminds me of middle school wins every time, and “Hey Playa!” sounds like sitting on the the third step of the bleachers at a seventh grade dance, watching the colored spotlights flash across the gym and listening to rap songs I had never heard but everyone else seemed to know the words to, the beats bouncing off the concrete walls and coming back vaguely metallic, and when I bit my lip I tasted the awful unflavored lip gloss I had put on last-minute because Clueless was on TV while I was getting ready and I thought maybe I should try looking a little more like Alicia Silverstone. (I believed, with the self-loathing faith only a thirteen-year-old can posses, that a short, fat, unpopular brunette could be a tall, thin, desired blonde if she just tried hard enough.) So there’s one (5 points). A few years after that dance, I spent an entire winter lying across my bed and listening worshipfully to Stevie Nicks’ The Wild Heart, and it seems that album snuck off to birth and then abandon “Daniel” when I wasn’t looking. So there’s two (3 points). And the rest sound unquestionably like the present — “Nu Style” is something I would enjoy at a party but not remember to look up when I got home (2 points), “Lisztomania” is something Kirsten Dunst would flail her limbs to in a Sofia Coppola film (1 point), and “Walkin’ on the Moon” is one of those songs I would hear on KIIS-FM and think, “God, this is the fucking longest song ever,” because it sounds exactly like eight songs that came before it (0 points) — so there’s three, four, and five.

STANDINGS: Lashes 23, Playa! 22, Shystie 21, Phoenix 20, Dream 13

Three points separate our top four, with one ballot left to be cast. The-Dream is stuffed, but any of the top four can go through.

A first or second place for Bat for Lashes puts her through. If she places third and DJ Quik and Kurupt place first, fourth or fifth, or The-Dream is one of the songs ahead of her, she goes through. She can also go through from third place if DJ Quik & Kurupt finish second, so long as Shystie doesn’t come first; to qualify from fourth place, she would need Shystie to finish no higher than third, and Phoenix to finish no higher than second. From last, she needs Dream to win, with Shystie finishing fourth. In a tie-break, Phoenix are the only ones she would beat.

First or second for Quik & Kurupt sees them through. A third place finish puts them through if they’re ahead of Bat for Lashes; fourth spot could see them through if Phoenix don’t get first and they’re ahead of Bat for Lashes; last spot only gets them through if Shystie comes fourth and Phoenix come third.

Shystie would qualify by coming first. Qualifying with a second place finish would need Bat for Lashes and Quik & Kurupt to do no better than fourth, with Phoenix coming third. A third place would need Phoenix to do no better than second, and a combination of Quik & Kurupt and Bat for Lashes in the bottom two slots.

Phoenix really, really need to win and for everything else to go their way. Frankly, the maths is completely fucking lost on us by this point.

And so the stone of responsibility is passed to…

Chris Boeckmann: Sometimes when I listen to “Daniel,” I think, “Man, this is an insanely great instrumental, why didn’t she write a better vocal?” And then other times, I think, “Man, this is such a sad, powerful, understated vocal, why did she let it drown it in this nostalgic atmosphere?” So it’s sort of like noodles and Hershey’s syrup (0 points). “Walking On the Moon” is hands down the worst track on my favorite album of the year. It’s still a fun, solid song, but it’s not very exciting or adventurous. I feel no need to champion it (1 point). I really, really like “Nu Style.” The beat is frenetic and buzzy but also very controlled. Vocal is very good, very confident. But (2 points) it’s not as special as the Quik and Kurupt song, which is a massive, hooky, stomping single that I’ll continue to jam for many years (3 points). “Lisztomania” is more than special. It’s magic. A glorious, next-level pop song. So far, each listen has brought uncontrollable joy. I can’t praise it enough (5 points). From the mess to the masses!

FINAL STANDINGS

1. DJ Quik & Kurupt, “Hey Playa!” – 25 points
2. Phoenix, “Lisztomania” – 25 points
A higher regular season score puts DJ Quik & Kurupt in first place
3. Shystie ft. DJ Deekline, “Nu Style” – 23 points
4. Bat for Lashes, “Daniel” – 23 points
A higher regular season score puts Shystie in third place
5. The-Dream ft. Kanye West, “Walking on the Moon” – 14 points

Fuuuuuck. Phoenix scramble into the second round with a single of theirs that we didn’t even like that much, while “1901” is on the plane back home. Poor Shystie probably won’t take any comfort from knowing that, even if Chris had put her second and “Hey Playa!” third, she’d have gone out due to scoring lower than them during the season. And as for Bat for Lashes… noodles, girl. Noodles. The-Dream, it is not much of a spoiler to say, has still got a few bullets in the gun as far as this tournament’s concerned, but you’ll have to wait and see what they are…

Steve Holdsworth: So then, Group 5 of the first round of The Singles Jukebox End-of-Year Best-Off 2009 – stupidly long title, if you ask me, but that’s just my opinion. Five songs here, though: Busy Signal, who is… Jamaican, single called “Da Style Deh”. Apparently it’s done rather well, though I’ve no idea why, unlike our next contender, “Electro Movimiento” by the Puerto Rican group Calle 13 featuring Cuci Amador. All the stuff with the rapping, and the pantsuits, and the ninjas, that’s all rubbish, but that chorus is really nice, you know, really very… good. “Trap Goin’ Ham” by Pill, who is from… Atlanta… which is in the state of Georgia, of course… that’s another one I like, because a problem with a lot of the singers today, they brag about the cars and the women, but Pill is bragging about an actual skill – not about what he’s bought, but an actual skill. “My name’s Pill, I’m very good at baking, and I take great pride in my ability in… that… field.” That’s what you want to see, and for my money, pop music today would be in a far better state if more people followed his example, rather than this next wally, Ne-Yo, and “Part of the List”, which is a man singing about a list. Really. That’s it. But, well, if that’s what people want, then, well, tremendous, and I say they’re welcome to it, you know, I’m not going to stop them, but just don’t expect me to like it, because I ain’t gonna. But that’s just my opinion, of course, you’re welcome to disagree, but what I will say about this last one, “I’m On a Boat” by The Lonely Island and T-Pain – if you’re going to be on a boat, wearing a trench coat, then you should be wearing trousers. Wearing a trench coat with swimming trunks… frankly, I have been on boats, lots of boats, many boats, and I can say that on… pretty much any of those boats, if you’d dressed like that, you would not have found yourself on that boat for very long. Anyway, enough of me – two of these songs get to go through to the next round, so we’d better get on with things…

—

Frank Kogan: Surely, this is the Group Of Death, top two running neck-and-neck and three and four only a hair behind. I give the Group Cup to the Lonely Island ’cause of how exuberantly they splish and splash into the ocean-bath of foamy, undeserved luxury (5 points). Ne-Yo at number two is the opposite, the guy in his thin sweet voice obsessively listing all he lost when he lost the woman, wounding himself with quick little jabs, onto infinity (3 points). It’s only in the context of those two that Busy Signal’s gorgeous ululations sound a bit standard (2 points). Sorry Mr. Signal that I’m not ranking you higher. (Btw, the GreenMoney Liquid Re-Rub of Busy Signal’s “Tic Toc” is a sure thing for my end of the year top fifty.) Meanwhile “Trap Goin’ Ham” is dogged, eye-level dealing under the sparkling, menacing Georgia night. Love the style, though this decade’s given us scores of similarly good tracks from Jeezy et al (1 point). “Electro Movimiento” is glum boys having fun, is the only one here that feels forced and tired: Cuci Amador is too cautious to go full-scale into the freestyle passion that the song promises, and the Calle guys can’t zing the beats or the words like they need to. This isn’t bad, but it’s indie (0 points).

STANDINGS: Lonely 5, Ne-Yo 3, Signal 2, Pill 1, Calle 0

Andrew Casillas: The win here HAS to go to Calle 13 (5 points). Not many rap acts could make the sort of obtuse, sardonic, and progressive music that they make, and “Electro Movimiento” only ups the insanity–it’s a wonderful mix of Daft Punk, 808, and John Travolta. “Trap Goin’ Ham” (3 points)and “I’m on a Boat” (2 points)get points for imaginative lyricism, but “Trap Goin’ Ham” didn’t need a music video to keep my interested. While I’m also quite a big fan of Ne-Yo’s, and Year of the Gentleman in particular, “Part of the List” was a bit overwrought for my tastes (1 point). If the production were any lighter, it could pass for a Backstreet Boys album track. And while I’m sure Busy Signal has better songs, but “Da Style Deh” kept making me wonder why Dizzee Rascal was yelling indecipherable things at me (0 points).

STANDINGS: Lonely 7, Calle 5, Ne-Yo 4, Pill 4, Signal 2

Melissa Bradshaw: Busy Signal is up there with the best of Ninjaman (5 points). Ne-Yo comes second because I can’t help my soft spot for the perfect RnB ballad (3 points). “I’m On a Boat” is such an obvious joke but they carry it the fuck off (plus satirising autotone needs to be done this year) (2 points). Pill is brilliant but there’s not enough to distinguish him yet (1 point). Calle 13 reminds me of my problem with “Heads Will Roll” – too much looking to the 80s for a new direction – but my judgment may be impaired by not being saturated in reggaeton (0 points)?

STANDINGS: Lonely 9, Signal 7, Ne-Yo 7, Calle 5, Pill 5

Rodney J. Greene: I’ll take Busy Signal’s goofy Africanisms (3 points) over Calle 13’s goofy freestylisms (2 points) over the Lonely Island’s goofy Khaledisms (0 points) and Pill’s goofy food metaphors over any of them (5 points), possibly because he’s the only one from that list who can put his absurdities over with a straight face. I’ve gotten more play out of “Trap Goin’ Ham” than just about any track this year and the contrast between its novelty and dead-serious urgency is one of its greatest strengths. The Ne-Yo (1 point) and Calle 13 songs were old hat to me by the beginning of the year, let alone when we reviewed them, but while Shaffer’s well-crafted ballad has remained solid and steady, the Puertoricanos’ ’80s pastiche has seperated from its flavor, gotten back together, and tied the knot.

STANDINGS: Signal 10, Pill 10, Lonely 9, Ne-Yo 8, Calle 7

Jordan Sargent: “Trap Goin’ Ham” is a song that rightfully launched mini-stardom (5 points). Its energy is unbridled, and like most singles, it finds its rapper splitting the difference between great lyricism and lyrics that work for a single. Pill writes better, but this showcases the total package. What I love about “Da Style Deh” (3 points) is its open space— it doesn’t pummel like a ton of dancehall (from what I can tell Busy excels at this); instead, it simmers and bubbles and has a few great hooks to boot. It might not work in the steamiest of clubs, but it’s better for it. “Part of the List” is a great little song that it seems like only Ne-Yo would have the balls to write (amongst his R&B contemporaries), and while I think its theme is a bit cheesy, it has an undeniable, yet measured, chorus (2 points). I would like “I’m on a Boat” a bit more if it didn’t underutilize T-Pain as a signpost (1 point). Samberg and co. revealed themselves to be more shrewd hip-hop satirists than I anticipated, but skewering Khaled Culture and relegating T-Pain to ad-libs kind of misses the point. As for “Electro Movimiento,” well, I prefer Gaga (0 points).

STANDINGS: Pill 15, Signal 13, Ne-Yo 10, Lonely 10, Calle 7

Edward Okulicz: “Electro Movimiento” has to get the gong (5 points) here just because its chorus could destroy an entire city. I’m not big into the verses which are more mumbled than rapped, but even when my fellow jukeboxers could feel a bit of robot/machine metaphor fatigue, the cry of “break the circuitry” hits hard in the head and the feet. “Part of the List” is a generic Ne-Yo fourth single, or whatever, but if it’s filler, or not as good as “Closer” or any of the n thousand hits he’s written for other people, it’s immaculately crafted, charismatically-delivered filler. Wet lyrics, top tune, basically (3 points). “I’m On A Boat” might be the year’s best joke strung out a verse too far (2 points), and I have to admit as annoying as the chorus is, the gags in the verses are actually authentically bad-ass (for white people) AND preposterously silly. I’ve put Busy Signal in fourth as I can tell it’s a quality example of a genre I don’t care about (1 point) and because “Trap Goin’ Ham” makes me want to go on an adorable kitten killing spree because it so fills me with hate and other bad feelings (0 points).

STANDINGS: Pill 15, Signal 14, Ne-Yo 13, Calle 12, Lonely 12

Kat Stevens: Ne-Yo proved the least memorable (0 points), Calle 13 doesn’t stand out amongst the rest of this year’s electro (1 point). The other three are all highly enjoyable (Busy Signal, 2 points) (more songs about ham please (3 points)) but Lonely Island is the one I will sing at the top of my voice through the T-Pain iPhone app, nautical themed pashmina afghan fluttering in the sea breeze (5 points).

STANDINGS: Pill 18, Lonely 17, Signal 16, Calle 13, Ne-Yo 13

Michaelangelo Matos: Given how much I loved Year of the Gentleman, Ne-Yo is a gimme (5 points), but this group ranked itself. The Pill track grew on me big time (3 points), Busy Signal is a lovely glossy thing, but I honestly never remember either very well until they’re playing again (2 points). There’s a kind of anodyne quality to this batch that marks it as very 2009: if you’re paying close attention there’s pleasure to be had, but I’d never try to sell anyone on its richness in whole. Especially with a just-OK Calle 13 track (1 point) and a not-funny-the-first-time Lonely Island one rounding it out (0 points).

STANDINGS: Pill 21, Signal 18, Ne-Yo 18, Lonely 17, Calle 14

Matt Cibula: Tough as my 2/3 are more or less tied with 4 — the Lonely Island track is kind of funny (and I quoted it the last time I was on a boat) but it’s weak as a single (0 points) compared with African-chomping dancehall (Busy Signal, 1 point), swoony weird laments (Ne-Yo, 2 points), and post-T.I. regretful drug tales (Pill, 3 points). Still, overall I will always side with Calle 13 (5 points), simply one of the most inventive, nimble-witted, sarcastically passionate musical acts we have ever had.

STANDINGS: Pill 24, Ne-Yo 20, Signal 19, Calle 19, Lonely 17

Tal Rosenberg: I wish I’d heard the Busy Signal song earlier, since I love the fluidity with which the beat moves. The backdrop is all liquid: Gulps of saliva as bass beats, bongos like stones skipping across smooth streams, snaps falling like raindrops. Busy Signal is gracefully flailing in all the spray, while an aurally smiling chorus sings joyfully behind him (5 points). Is there anything more to say about Lonely Island at this point, other than reiterating that it’s become the meme-that’s-more-than-a-meme. The beat is boilerplate, so for my money I prefer the overcooked and funnier “Like a Boss” (3 points). Calle 13 can’t swagger like T.I, Lil Wayne, or Kanye, but they can swagger nonetheless; Cuci Amador, on the other hand, doesn’t have the sass to match; the beat reminds me of Boney M, kinda (2 points). I don’t think Ne-Yo should have chosen “Part of the List” as a single, personally, since I think even as a slow jam it’s going into incense-and-candles a la Babyface territory, and thus it risks becoming a little too sentimental. Still wish that “So You Can Cry,” the best song Marvin Gaye or Stevie Wonder never wrote, was a single (1 point). Pill’s song is heavy metal caterwauling as rap. And I should care because (0 points)?

STANDINGS: Signal 24, Pill 24, Calle 21, Ne-Yo 21, Lonely 20

Alfred Soto: This group proves how grunts, pansexualism, vocoders, and T-Pain are universal solvents. The video for “Trap Goin’ Ham” really sold the song by reveling in every ghetto signifier: booze, blunts, forties, and booty. Big booties. Writhing booties in closeup. Booties on hot summer days (5 points). Which is why the title of Ne-Yo’s plaint is the ideal followup and the perfect response: he wants her to remember his booty, in case she assumed he was gay (3 points). Meanwhile Busy Signal reminds him where the action is should he fail (2 points). The rest (Calle 13 1 point, The Lonely Island 0 points) is electric relaxation, in which warm human bodies have no place unless you’re squeezing past Lycra on your way to the club’s bar.

FINAL STANDINGS

1. Pill, “Trap Goin’ Ham” – 29 points
2. Busy Signal, “Da Style Deh” – 26 points
3. Ne-Yo, “Part of the List” – 24 points
4. Calle 13 ft. Cuci Amador, “Electro Movimiento” – 22 points
5. The Lonely Island ft. T-Pain, “I’m On a Boat” – 20 points

—

Another close one, then, though in the end it winds up being a fairly comfortable win for Pill, with Busy Signal edging out Ne-Yo for the runner-up spot. Calle 13 and Lonely Island both put in decent showings without ever really threatening to trouble the second-round draw.

The next group, though. Oh boy. That one gets kinda hectic, and it’ll be up this afternoon…

Peter Alliss: Yes, good afternoon, and isn’t a lovely day? The sun is out, the birds chirruping in the trees, nice, clear skies, all deeply wonderful, and some top-notch pop action in this fourth heat of the first round here at the Singles Jukebox End-of-Year Best-Off 2009. Saw a young lady out here earlier, pushing her baby in a buggy, reminded me of a young Helen Shapiro. Do you remember Helen Shapiro? She had that song, you know, “A-walkin’ a-back a-to a-happiness-ah”, yes? All comes flooding back now – but anyway, back to today. Serious Business Afoot, chaps! Five songs in play today – you’ve got the lovely American lass, Taylor Swift, and her song which is called “Fifteen”, or at least that’s what the producer’s told me; then there’s Royksopp ft. Robyn and something or other to do with a robot, then those French fellers and that song about 1901 — far more my cup of tea, that – and there’s this delightful young lady called Keri Hilson, though she does seem to be keeping company with this chap called Wayne, which I’ve always thought was a terrible thing to call your child – but I suppose that’ll be getting the PC Brigade on my back again, won’t it? Dear oh dear… anyway, their song’s called “Turnin’ Me On”, because apparently what people like these days is for one to drop one’s “G”’s at every given opportunity, like you were born behind the launderette in Basildon or some such nonsense. Dear oh dear… oh, and then there’s some chaps in hats that have called themselves Das Racist for some reason, God only knows why. They’re singing about going to Pizza Hut and then what Our Friends In America call a Taco Bell – if you can call it singing, which I suppose people do nowadays. Takes me back to the time I saw Gracie Fields – do you remember her? Wonderful lady, lovely voice, could charm the birds out of the trees – though obviously nowadays they’d just do their business on your car instead. Anyway, a magical night, marvellous concert, met this delightful young lady at the bar, but then she started talking to me about socialism…

—

Anthony Easton: The best thing about Swift is that she makes the sexual longing of early teenagehood seem real, legitimate, and autonomous. Some of it is about love, and some of it is about caution, but for a whole range of songs about high school written and performed by adults that dismiss or refuse to remember the lust and boredom, the desire and ennui that mark being 15, Swift allows for an explicit corrective. This is good for pop, and good for country (5 points). The first decade of the 21st century is all about living with in a world where dystopian and utopian visions have failed. It is an attempt to make real the end of history, the scrap heap of competing texts, signifiers, and information. The pop has become dangerously melancholy in the nostalgia and bricolage. There is no future, and little past. Even the drugs that used to make us happy have stopped working. We make do. There is an entire aesthetic based on making due. Previously, where epic songs about fuckbots had a gloriously stainless sheen, “The Girl and the Robot” is pock-marked and skips around. It has the mark of its time (3 points). Do I have to be English to understand “1901” (2 points)? “Turnin’ Me On” is generic R’n’B, but sexy enough to keep me half aroused for the first couple of minutes, which must mean something (1 point). Which leaves “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell”. IT IS NOT A CRITICISM OF CAPITIALISM. IT IS NOT INTERESTING-STUPID, IT IS JUST HIPSTER BULLSHIT. Yes I am yelling. You disappoint me (0 points).

STANDINGS: Swift 5, Royksopp 3, Phoenix 2, Hilson 1, Racist 0

Jonathan Bradley: Such a strong group, this one, with the Nordic vacuity of the Robyn/Röyksopp connection the sole dud (0 points); I suspect a real automaton would be programmed to do pro forma dance with a more effective result. Meanwhile, I really wanted to give the top place to “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell,” because, as Tal Rosenberg and Dave Moore pointed out last week: I’M AT THE PIZZA HUT! I’M AT THE TACO BELL! I’M AT THE COMBINATION PIZZA HUT AND TACO BELL! Also, those woozy, stinking horns satisfy like a stuffed-crust pie chased with a pick from the dollar menu. But (3 points) when I followed that with a serve of Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen,” my stomach did a back flip and my heart took over. “Fifteen” is not quite as beguiling as its predecessor, “You Belong With Me,” but to deny its marvellousness would be to quibble over a matter of degrees; this is a song so achingly earnest it makes me feel as giddy with dumb joy as Swift does after her amazing first date (5 points). I’ll be writing mash notes to it all semester. Making up the numbers is Phoenix’s brilliant neon-bright pop confection “1901,” whose only fault is that it is forced to compete in this illustrious field (2 points), and a Keri Hilson song that, with its blank bass knocks and autotuned Weezy verse, tick-tocks away sounding quite forward-thinking and left-field, but with little purpose to its daring sonics (1 point). Maybe we’re spoilt for choice these days, but merely sounding clever is no longer good enough for R&B.

STANDINGS: Swift 10, Phoenix 4, Royksopp 3, Racist 3, Hilson 2

John Seroff: I was a big fan of Phoenix’s first album but the first single off Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is a mediocre, derivative disappointment. It’s as if the boys heard Vampire Weekend and The Killers and opted in (0 points). The quality ramps up sharply with Röyskopp and Robyn’s ‘The Girl and the Robot’, a blatant and emotional Moroderfest on the heartbreak of loving a sarariman. “Girl and the Robot” is a very personal gift; I have a big ol’ Orange Crush on Robyn and my ringtone for the past year has been “Faster Than The Speed of Love”. This is an undeniable powerhouse, but I can’t in good conscience rate this higher than fourth as I’ve not had more than a few days to acclimate (1 point). It’s galling; on most other ballots this would certainly place higher, but this bracket’s competition is just fierce. Ordering Taylor Swift and Das Racist into place and show is difficult and more a reflection of my own priorities than of their respective quality. Both are spot-on bulls-eyes at totally different targets. “Fifteen”’s pitch-perfect coming-of-age story is improbably, consistently affecting; Swift coaxes a fragile nostalgia from me for moments that I not only never experienced but that I’d never want to experience. “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” is a galumphing knuckleheaded hoedown of raucous mindlessness with all the teenage kicks of a bottle rocket fight. For whatever reason; be it leftover hard feelings from being snubbed by the prom queen, a preference for the absurd (“COMbiNATION”) over the sublime (“and we both cried…”), the sadly apt reflection of 2009’s increasingly frantic end-times tone in pop music or just a reliance on alphabetical order; I opted for tetched (Das Racist, 3 points) over touching (Taylor Swift, 2 points). Tell me I got it backwards and I won’t argue. None of these quite reach the heights of what shakes out as my favorite pure pop single of ’09, “Turnin’ Me On”. It’s the song that finally brought definition to the all too malleable Hilson and features Wayne’s best verse of the year, but most of the magic is in the meaty production. Polow has gone from being Timbaland’s student to matching the teacher; this is his long-awaited “Are You That Somebody”. A few hundred spins later, “Turnin’ Me On” sounds just as good to me today as it did twelve months ago (5 points).

STANDINGS: Swift 12, Hilson 7, Racist 6, Phoenix 4, Royksopp 4

Jessica Popper: It was an easy choice for me to put Robyn (5 points) and Taylor (3 points) at the top, as two of my favourite female popstars of recent years. I can’t believe “The Girl and the Robot” wasn’t even a hit in the UK. I preferred Phoenix’s earlier singles such as “Run” and “Everything is Everything”, but “1901” has grown on me quite a bit with time (2 points). Das Racist was my fourth choice solely for reasons of amusement (1 point). Keri Hilson came last because I found her song irritating and Lil Wayne’s presence certainly didn’t help matters (0 points)!

STANDINGS: Swift 15, Royksopp 9, Hilson 7, Racist 7, Phoenix 6

Keane Tzong: Let’s start at the bottom: “Turnin’ Me On” sucks (0 points). Keri Hilson has all the star power of a sponge, and Lil Wayne steals the show with a fairly subpar guest verse, but I dislike this even more than I would otherwise because I hear “miscarried baby” every time I listen to this song. Then there’s Taylor Swift, whose “Fifteen” is a truly lovely melody wrapped around lyrics that are as didactic as they are smug (1 point), so while Das Racist manage to drive their joke into the ground before the song’s halfway over, I think I’d still rather listen to them (2 points). At the top, we have two songs I listen to frequently and think are totally spectacular. But I must say that “The Girl and the Robot” doesn’t quite compare to “1901”, which I think may well be the best thing Phoenix have ever done (5 points). “The Girl and the Robot” isn’t even the best song on Junior (3 points).

STANDINGS: Swift 16, Royksopp 12, Phoenix 11, Racist 9, Hilson 7

Tal Rosenberg: I first heard “Turnin’ Me On” on R. Kelly & DJ Drama’s The Demo Tape, having no idea that the song was originally by Keri Hilson. At the time, it was my favorite song on the mixtape, largely having to do with the beat. Polow Da Don’s creeper has a menacing entrance, the bass foreboding yet muffled enough to convey tension, and then suddenly a giant “OOOOOOHHHH” while Hilson reverses, telling the hot guy approaching her that he has no idea what kind of woman he’s talking to. And then Hilson snakes in and out of the beat, singing around the 1/16 hi-hat—a beat motif that Lil Wayne dines out on, which he continues to do here—while she exudes sassiness and coyness in equal measure (5 points). Robyn doesn’t quite transmit the same type of cockiness: She’s fearful of living a life with someone devoted to work and routine more than he is to her. Röyksopp try to have that fear play out in the music, but the drama is overdone, and so Robyn’s confident voice gets lost somewhere where the song’s sentiments and its music commingle (1 point). Taylor’s female experience doesn’t have any place in Robyn’s or Keri’s world, since it deliberately takes its stance from that of a high school perspective. But Taylor has the same fears that Robyn does, expressed this time in dejection and rumors and emotional chaos. My problem with “Fifteen” this time around, hearing it out of the context of the album, where it seems more fitting, is that Taylor talks about not knowing where she’s gonna be instead of dreaming about what she wants to be, which strikes me as more realistic. In the end, I don’t hear Taylor’s hurt and fears in the sounds of wispy mandolins and brushed drums (0 points). Both Phoenix (2 points) and Das Racist (3 points) rest on killer riffs, steady rhythms, and lots of glammy energy. But Phoenix seem beholden to seriousness here in a way that’s less sexy than the emotional turmoil they detailed much better on most of It’s Never Been Like That, though the song does still pack the band’s knack for hooks and punch. Das Racist are all fruit punch, though, and they’re also laughs-a-million, Slurpees, and all sorts of superlative rolled into one striking neon mutant. They’re a big gluttonous meal, sort of like a pizza-flavored burrito with mozzarella-melted nachos and a bucket full of Pepsi.

STANDINGS: Swift 16, Royksopp 13, Phoenix 13, Racist 12, Hilson 12

Tom Ewing: A mix of weaker entries by people I like – Keri, Taylor – and strong ones by people I don’t – Phoenix, Robyn (and Royksopp). Can Das Racist come through the middle and nick it? Nope (2 points). Liked it a lot, then got bored of it, will always be happy to hear it but that’s “friend on Facebook and ignore” status, not love or hate. Phoenix do their usual self-consciously joyful thing but the hooks are stronger than previously (3 points). Love the lyrics and feeling in Taylor, but the melody doesn’t stick for me on this one and the arrangement is a bit Sixpence None The Richer (1 point). Keri is the kind of song you wouldn’t bother blurbing unless you had a good joke (0 points), so that leaves Royksopp and Robyn, both of whom I usually find rather smug but they’ve hit a vein of frustration and passive anger here that’s worth something (5 points).

STANDINGS: Royksopp 18, Swift 17, Phoenix 16, Racist 14, Hilson 12

Kat Stevens: All excellent songs these, it was really hard to pick. Phoenix (0 points) and Taylor are the least sonically interesting for me but Taylor has the hormonal gutwrench factor edging it ahead (1 point); Das Racist and Wallpaper’s dumbass fastfood disco (3 points) doesn’t have a ‘piranha bite’ clanger (Keri Hilson, 2 points); Robyn soars up above the Norwegian electro forests and tells us what happens to Taylor’s heartbroken teenager once she’s grown up and got a mortgage (5 points).

STANDINGS: Royksopp 23, Swift 18, Racist 17, Phoenix 16, Hilson 14

Erick Bieritz: Ten years in, few bands are as consistent as Phoenix at pumping out solid little rock jams (5 points). Is it Taylor Swift’s fresh-faced earnestness that disarmed critics and connected her with listeners in numbers that supposedly don’t happen in an Internet-savvy hyper-niched world (3 points)? Keri Hilson is more than a hook girl, but she still hasn’t established a personality of her own, and frosty mechanization with an assist from the Omnipresent One isn’t helping matters (2 points). Röyksopp drops a brisk little backing track, but too much is expected of Robyn, a decent singer who has received a disproportionate amount of critical love (1 point). “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” could probably earn either a 10 or a 0 after a few hundred mind-numbing listens, but as I don’t have time for that, I’ll go with my gut and say that like it’s namesake(s), it’s full of things that are done much better elsewhere (0 points).

STANDINGS: Royksopp 24, Swift 21, Phoenix 21, Racist 17, Hilson 16

And so, as we reach the final ballot, a number of things could happen.

IF Royksopp get first and Phoenix finish ahead of Taylor, OR IF Phoenix get first and Royksopp finish no lower than fourth, the terrorists have won (Royksopp and Phoenix go through).

IF Royksopp get first and Taylor finishes ahead of Phoenix, OR IF Taylor gets first, Taylor and Royksopp go through (in the result of a tie between Phoenix and Royksopp, Royksopp’s higher regular season score would put them through).

IF Phoenix get first, Taylor gets second and Royksopp come in last, Taylor and Phoenix go through (in the result of a tie between Taylor and Royksopp, Taylor’s higher regular season score puts her through).

Das Racist and Keri H are fucked regardless.

So who’s it gonna be? Who holds the fate of these three songs in their hands?

Let’s find out…

Martin Skidmore: A very close thing for first…

…but today…

…I have picked…

…intense and rather scary dance (Royksopp, 5 points) ahead of delicately specific country pop (Taylor Swift, 3 points). Keri Hilson easily grabs third with her consistently very good R&B (2 points), and I still think I kind of like Das Racist, though my patience may wear thin (1 point). Phoenix are last by a country mile for me, aimless indie tedium, marked in my bottom 5% of the year (0 points).

FINAL STANDINGS:

1. Royksopp ft. Robyn, “The Girl and the Robot” – 29 points
2. Taylor Swift, “Fifteen” – 24 points
3. Phoenix, “1901” – 21 points
4. Keri Hilson ft. Lil Wayne, “Turnin’ Me On” – 18 points
5. Das Racist, “Combination Pizza Hut Taco Bell (Wallpaper Remix)” – 18 points
Keri’s regular season score was higher than Das Racist’s, so she finishes above them. Though it’s not as though that really matters anymore

Whew – another nailbiter, and we were so busy biting our nails that this post is now at least three days late if not a bit worse. Sorry about that. Anyhow, Swifty’s second-string squeaks through ahead of a surprisingly strong Gallic challenge, while Royksopp’s metal machine ménage humps its way to the top of the heap. Group five sees pies flying, burgers flipping and Yet More Fucking Ninjas. Oh, and Busy Signal. Stay tuned, cos we need to get this shit sorted ASAP…

Disembodied Female Voice: The five songs in today’s group are:

”Zero” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs, from New York. Its hobbies include leather, curtains and messing about in shopping trolleys.

”We Nuh Run” by Stush, from London. It enjoys squeaking, fierceness and being unimpressed by girls.

”House of Flying Daggers” by Raekwon featuring Inspectah Deck, Method Man, GZA and Ghostface, from New York. When not studying Eastern philosophies, it spends its time doing pretty drawings and fucking asses up with swords.

”Camp Out” by An Horse, from Australia. “Camp Out”’s interests include fucking about in the dark and visiting the cities and towns of Australia to learn about how they are all different places with their own individual names.

And ”Paparazzi” by Lady Gaga, from New York. “Paparazzi” enjoys casual poisoning, crutches and talking in Swedish for extended periods of time.

They’re all here to play The Singles Jukebox End-of-Year Best-Off 2009, with your host, William G. Stewart!

William G. Stewart: Thank you, and hello there. Our highest scoring contestant today is “Zero”, which scored 8.36 in the regular season back in March. You all know the rules, five of you are competing for two places in the second round of the competition, so without further ado we’ll get underway with:

—

Cecily Nowell-Smith: To be frank this ranking’s pretty vague: this group’s made up of one song I care about and four I don’t. Stush is incredible (5 points) — the cute angry squeak is the thing you can’t miss, but her whole range is so vivid. Listen to the way she calls out ‘we nuh run from dem’, her voice low and doomy, the same undertone of dread as is in the original Hard House Banton track but this time around it’s coming up against the iron wall of her determination. What was it Alex Macpherson said? “This chipmunk has teeth that can fuck you up”. As for the rest… they’re all okay. GaGa’s got that strange slow stateliness, the clarity of her voice, something really sweet in what should be a pretty trite reverse-objectification game (3 points). The Yeah Yeah Yeahs basically sound like the Killers would if they had a female singer. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I’m just saying that I find their Jukebox popularity fairly inexplicable (2 points). I really enjoyed Tegan and Sara’s “The Con” and maybe that’s why I just can’t be doing with An Horse (1 point): I dunno, she seems like a nice girl, everything sort of clatters in a not exactly predictable but certainly un-startling way. And really, if you want un-startling, not to say predictable, then let me introduce you to Some Guys From The Wu, making a record that sounds like a record they could have made fifteen years ago (0 points). I can’t care any more. I just can’t.

STANDINGS: Stush 5, Gaga 3, Yeahs 2, Horse 1, Raekwon 0

Melissa Bradshaw: Raekwon — what could be a greater 2009 hip hop fantasy than Dilla on a Wu return to form? (5 points) Hip hop never dies. You have to give “Paparazzi” credit (3 points) for combining being a female stalker with lies, revenge fantasies, and the mass media gaze: fearless Warhol wit. “We Nuh Run” is the definitive track for the current urban mood (2 points). “Zero” makes me wish everyone would stop returning to the 80s when they need a new direction, but I still love Karen O’s singing (1 point). Not really sure what to say about An Horse, though; horrible out of tune singing needs to have a point (0 points).

STANDINGS: Stush 7, Gaga 6, Raekwon 5, Yeahs 3, Horse 1

Martin Skidmore: It was a really tough call for the first place (both in the 2% I have given a 10 to), but my favourite hip hop single of the year by my favourite hip hop act ever (Raekwon, 5 points) wins over my favourite rock single of the year (Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, 3 points). Stush was an easy third (2 points), this dancehall single being a touch unexciting. Okay indie (An Horse, 1 point) beats the irritation factor of Lady Gaga (0 points) to avoid last place.

STANDINGS: Raekwon 10, Stush 9, Gaga 6, Yeahs 6, Horse 2

Iain Mew: As well as being the point at which it dawned on me that Lady Gaga is essentially Gwen Stefani’s solo career taken to extremes, “Paparazzi” is also one of the singles of the year (5 points) — huge, catchy and perversely emotionally devastating. I hadn’t listened to “House of Flying Daggers” til this and wish that I had, because it’s a total blast (3 points) with hooks worthy of its cartoonishly epic storytelling. I particularly love the video version with added mythologising intro. “Zero” is a fine display of the newly focused propulsive power of Yeah Yeah Yeahs but, well, it’s no “Heads Will Roll”, so third seems a fair result (2 points). “We Nuh Run” is equal parts terrifying, thrilling and annoying (1 point) but, in a contest for song of the year, rather that than An Horse, which I like but is pretty much the epitome of a competent [7] (0 points).

STANDINGS: Raekwon 13, Gaga 11, Stush 10, Yeahs 8, Horse 2

Martin Kavka: Group 3 consists of two actually fierce women, a woman who would be far fiercer if she could work up the courage to refer to her lovers with female pronouns (An Horse, 2 points), some guys delving deeper into an unnecessarily complex myth of fierceness (Raekwon, 1 point), and a woman who is so bereft of self (Lady Gaga, 0 points) that she can’t even sustain a single pose for an entire week (although those poses are not uninteresting). “Get your leather on” has been a mantra for me for much of 2009, so “Zero” (5 points) takes the win here. However, if Adam Lambert had released his “For Your Entertainment” video any earlier in the year year — a short film in which he in effect makes Karen O the epicenter of a drag show even worse than those found in the most rural gay bars — by now the trauma would have sunk so deeply into my psyche that Stush (3 points) would win by default.

STANDINGS: Raekwon 14, Stush 13, Yeahs 13, Gaga 11, Horse 4

Anthony Easton: Karen O has done this thing where she proves she has full aesthetic range, and a set of emotional responses that range from innocence as pure as a Spielberg suburb to decadent weltschermz so jaded Wiemar Berliner would recognize it. But this song, even more then her two other masterpieces this year (“Heads Will Roll” and “All is Love”) is a dedicated, brutal desecration of what happened and what will happen, self reflective, but not meta, dangerous but not quite fully gone, and in control — the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are in control of their message (5 points), something that people more famous but less secure (c.f .Adam Lambert, Amanda Palmer, Lady Gaga) have yet to manage. I find myself comforted by “Camp Out”. Comfort is under rated as a pop virtue. I could talk about the jangle, or the sweet percussion, or the slightly discursive vocals or the nice Hole reference, and all of those things are great, but the chorus gives me hope and allows for the possibility of disappointment. That is worth more then the list of musical virtues (3 points). Stush comes third (2 points), mostly for putting as much aural information in as limited space as humanly possible, plus that lovely, endearing squeak. I am bored of Raekwon’s self-aggrandizing mythology (1 point), and as for “Paparazzi”… fame and its erotic attachments have been a subject of LA noir solipsism since the beginning — what else is Chandler or Nathaniel West? Not only is there nothing new here, I remain unconvinced that the subject can be renewed at all. GaGa is not as cinematic, as avant, as fashionable or as interesting as she thinks she is, and her tropes are worn from over use. Bail (0 points).

STANDINGS: Yeahs 18, Raekwon 15, Stush 15, Gaga 11, Horse 7

Jordan Sargent: “Zero” is simply the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ most full-blooded song to date, meeting the need to dance and be overtly “fun” at the exact right moment in their career (5 points). It’s so successful because it’s definitely a change of direction for them, but it doesn’t really feel like one. That’s how great bands operate. “House of Flying Daggers” works in the opposite way; it sounds like just about every Wu-Tang song ever, and naturally we are all fine with that (3 points). For me, “Paparazzi” was right about when I turned back around on Gaga (I love “Just Dance” but jumped off the bandwagon around “Poker Face”/”LoveGame”). It one-ups “Poker Face” by doing the staccato verses-into-blossoming chorus thing (2 points) but not having the disparity in quality between the two that weighs down “Poker Face”. “We Nuh Run,” while worlds better than “Camp Out,” doesn’t move me much (1 point). The latter is almost embarrassingly bad (0 points), as it ruins what could be a nice enough garage-pop tune with lyrics that don’t even begin to scratch at scratching at the surface of emotion.

STANDINGS: Yeahs 23, Raekwon 18, Stush 16, Gaga 13, Horse 7

Ramzy Alwakeel: Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ delicious ongoing development, this time into a killer electro trio, was marked by a single so confidently artful that it could have reclaimed the medium from the Emperor’s New Pop Songs movement, i.e. the entire faltering decade. “Zero” highlighted exactly where the likes of Lady Gaga had failed to grasp how natural a form the pop record can be (5 points). Nonetheless, the sheer success of “Paparazzi” (2 points) was nothing if not indicative of the commercial zeitgeist, and a hook is a hook; it’s just a shame she promised to be so captivating. “We Nuh Run” by Stush is a guilty compulsion, its post-jungle charms enhanced by a wry, somewhat up front lyric (3 points), while An Horse’s “Camp Out” supplied a pleasant enough Saddle Creek tribute at a time when Saddle Creek was looking increasingly less relevant, but nothing more (1 point). Finally, “House of Flying Daggers” has too many artists and not enough of anything else (0 points). In a decade when pretty much every musical school has struggled with its own stagnation, I don’t know why the hell anyone would listen to something so humourless.

STANDINGS: Yeahs 28, Stush 19, Raekwon 18, Gaga 15, Horse 8

John Seroff: No offense, but there wasn’t much in this group for me to get excited about. “Camp Out” was so indigestible and mediocre that I avoided both repeat listening and comment when it showed up on the Recovery list, but now that I’m backed into a corner, I’ll just say I honestly don’t see the appeal and leave it charitably at that (0 points). Both of this year’s top placed YYY tracks bopped onto the Jukebox before I got here, otherwise I certainly would have done my best to vote them off the island (1 point). Karen O and crew make great videos but with the exception of “Maps”, I’ve yet to hear a song from the band that I’d listen to by choice. It rankles me to place Gaga as high as second (3 points), but while Stush’s delivery on “We Nuh Run” is far more interesting than The Lady of Delphi’s on “Paparazzi” (Stush’s squealing “Fuck You And Fuck Your Playlist” and “Look Like SHITFACE Full Of Makeup” is maybe my favorite back-to-back dis of the year), it isn’t much of a song; it’s an overlong mush of annoying sirens, simple synthy samples and boring drum machine (2 points). “Paparazzi” isn’t a half-bad bit of glam but Gaga might as well be the demo-fill singer for all she adds to it. Gwen or Shakira or Keri or B or even J-Lo would’ve destroyed this; as is, there’s too much water and not enough scotch. That leaves the only track in this group that I genuinely like, but it’s a nostalgic doozy. Where other rappers are content with street dreams, the Wu-Tang are fast to re-imagine themselves as fallen African princes, kung-fu superheroes, world-beating braggarts, midnight movie good guys and Puzo-style family bosses. “Flying Daggers” has all the above at the band’s familiar meticulous whipsaw marathon pace. The batting order is crazy strong: Deck bunts a respectable single, Raekwon nails a solid base hit, Ghost ignores the rules and steals first and Meth cleans up with a violent, lisping home-run. Sharp and still in style (5 points).

FINAL STANDINGS:

1. Yeah Yeah Yeahs, “Zero” — 29 points
2. Raekwon’s Tea Party, “House of Flying Daggers” — 23 points
3. Stush, “We Nuh Run” — 21 points
4. Lady Gaga, “Paparazzi” — 18 points
5. An Horse, “Camp Out” — 8 points

—

More convincing performance from the Yeahs today… but then again, this heat wasn’t exactly tight. Only nine people voted here — any other heat, and An Horse may even have made it into double figures — but even so, expecting Gaga to break the qualifying positions was perhaps an ask too far. Stush can possibly feel a bit hard done by — that said, those animated ghost warrior thingies are kind of cool.

Heat Four sees the return of Taylor Swift, who’ll be fending off French dudes, real women and girls with robots. With a bit of luck and a following wind, we’ll have it up later tonight.

Des Lynam: Evening. A great night of action in prospect here, five songs vying to go through to the second round of this inaugural Singles Jukebox End-of-Year Best-Off, only two places available Of Course. Fistful of top contenders in the mix here, headed by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs — “Heads Will Roll” was the second-highest scorer in the regular season, carding an 8.46 back in June. Vistoso Bosses, on the other hand, only turned up three weeks ago, but “Delirious” found a firm place in the hearts of the jury – with a helping hand from a certain Mr Boy. Then there’s the surprise package from Denmark, Medina — “Kun For Mig” shook up the Jukebox top ten all the way back in April, but can it still do the business in the bleak mid-winter? Louche smoothie Maxwell’s been winning over the fans and the pundits all year, and ”Bad Habits” carded an impressive 7.31 in July — the kind of score that forgives anything, in my experience. Last but not least, Florence and the Machine — Brit Award winner, Mercury Music Prize nominee, and now a shot at reaching the knockout stages of the world’s premier December-based pop music tournament. She’s got the love, but has “Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)” got the legs to last the course?

We cross live to the stadium now, where Kent’s finest, Iain Mew, is all set to get us underway.

—

Iain Mew: Group 2 is an easy win for “Heads Will Roll” (5 points). Its foreboding synths sound like a sci-fi RPG villain’s theme, it turns glitter into an apocalyptic signifier and it’s massively enjoyable from start to finish. It also single-handedly turned me round on a group who I never really thought much of. “Kun For Mig” is a much less instant hit, but sinking slowly into its deep bass and melancholy alike remains a great feeling (3 points). “Delirious” is so light, almost weightless, that it totally passed me by on first listens, with only the (actually quite likable) Soulja Boy bit making any impact. What I missed: it’s incredibly, addictively pretty and doesn’t really need anything else (2 points). That really strong top three leaves Maxwell and Florence Against the Machine (0 points), and I’m not particularly keen on either. I didn’t already give Maxwell a [3] for sounding ridiculously cluttered and grating (and for being unnecessary alongside Bat For Lashes), though, so he gets fourth place (1 point).

STANDINGS: Yeahs 5, Medina 3, Bosses 2, Maxwell 1, Florence 0

Al Shipley: “Bad Habits” (5 points) is the default favorite here, although honestly it doesn’t have shit on “Pretty Wings,” and Medina is a close second (3 points) just by virtue of having a pretty appealing voice. This Florence thing…man you guys like women singing synth pop, huh? I mean, I guess I do too (2 points), but not all the time. The Vistoso Bosses song would be greatly improved if the monotone zombie boyfriend part played by Mr. Tell ‘Em (1 point) was removed. Don’t know why people are still paying attention to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, kinda hoped all that would be over by now; that lady’s singing is almost as stupid as her haircut (0 points).

STANDINGS: Medina 6, Maxwell 6, Yeahs 5, Bosses 3, Florence 2

David Moore: Medina’s chilling ode to loneliness on the dancefloor (I presume that’s what it’s about, not speaking Danish) has been a slow burn all year, and ultimately I decided to let it (5 points) trump reliably unstoppable dorm-dance-indie from Yeah Yeah Yeahs (3 points). There’s nothing particularly inventive or revelatory about “Kun for Mig,” but there’s a kind of desperation in it that’s haunting, and the perfunctory English lyrics only reinforce the feeling that something special is happening almost imperceptibly in the original version. FloMac tries her best to “haunt,” too, but her poetry trips over itself and this original version of “Rabbit Heart” feels a bit too leaden (2 points). I prefer the dumbed-down and day-glo’d Jamie T. remix, which makes you wait so long for the chorus that you unconsciously start craving it—in the original the repetition starts to dilute everything, there’s too much stuff cluttering up that build to the chorus climax. I have even less to say about Maxwell than Vistoso Bosses—just find everything he’s done this year dull but also haven’t paid enough attention to him to formulate why and won’t try to now—but ultimately I think his song is slightly prettier (1 point) than theirs (0 points), and in the end whoever gets the pretty points gets the dubious honorable mention distinction.

STANDINGS: Medina 11, Yeahs 8, Maxwell 7, Florence 4, Bosses 3

Alex Macpherson: Three superb tracks here! Vistoso Bosses came up with a stellar take on my favourite kind of pop song, and I can’t count the hours I’ve spent absent-mindedly losing myself in “Delirious” (5 points) this year. There’s little I’d rank it below. I’d be surprised if I heard from them again, which is both sad but somehow…right. On the other hand, the next two are from two acts with Proper Careers who made two of 2009’s best albums. “Heads Will Roll” (3 points) is the most obviously anthemic track on It’s Blitz, moving between its disparate sections with beauty and ease; Karen O’s vocals are somehow both convulsive and propulsive, twisting and turning in on themselves without ever losing forward momentum. I’ve found that Maxwell’s BLACKsummer’snight works best as an album qua album; I rarely pull its constituent parts out to listen to by themselves, and if I do it tends to be “Cold” or “Help Somebody”. None of this detracts from the fact that “Bad Habits” is basically perfectly crafted and relegating it to third place (2 points)hurts me, seriously. “Kun For Mig” is still as pleasantly ignorable as it was the first time round, with the Booka Shade breakdown still the best bit, though I was wrong to think that an English version would help me actually care about it (1 point). As for Florence, she’s not as hateable as La Roux or the various female twee irritants that we’ve been plagued by this year (0 points), but… look, she’s basically a C-rate Sophie B Hawkins, right? And Hawkins only had a handful of songs worth a damn anyway, and you can probably iTunes or youtube “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” if you really want to listen to it.

STANDINGS: Medina 12, Yeahs 11, Maxwell 9, Bosses 8, Florence 4

Martin Kavka: When I first saw the songs in this group, I wailed in despair at having to rank them. Except for “Heads Will Roll” (1 point), these are all songs from which I learned and re-learned Pop’s Great Lesson: love makes you flush reason down the toilet, and teaches you that a life of making good choices is a life that forbids you from, you know, actually living. Maxwell was the best instructor of 2009 (5 points), edging out Medina (3 points) and Florence (2 points), and in “Bad Habits” he can’t decide whether he should embrace his physical responses to a woman or resent her for driving him to abandon. Yet perhaps such melodrama misses the point that self-abandonment might be not just a good thing, but the best thing in life. If Maxwell is wrong (and on many days I think he is), Vistoso Bosses would be at the top of the heap. It’s a crying shame that Interscope cravenly added that Soulja Boy rap (0 points), though.

STANDINGS: Medina 15, Maxwell 14, Yeahs 12, Bosses 8, Florence 6

Pete Baran: A controlled group, either subdued or going through the motions — albeit with panache — from the get go. Of the songs in this group the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s is the most controlled and clever pop song (5 points). Flo has energy and delivery, but there are two songs folded into one here and I am not sure that it has legs beyond the impressive histrionics (3 points). Same is true for “Kun For Mig” — everything works in this song but I am not quite sort what I am going to do with it (2 points). Clearly a dance mix which makes use of its awesome breakdown is required. Vistoso Bosses is sweetness incarnate (even with super sap Soulja Boy on there) but it is flat on a dancefloor (1 point); they sing it with the suggestion that none of them understand the word delirious. As for Maxwell, he has always impressed me with his soul credentials, but generally bored me with the tunes. This is better than a lot of his stuff (0 points), but still doesn’t electrocute me with fun.

STANDINGS: Medina 17, Yeahs 17, Maxwell 14, Bosses 9, Florence 9

Ian Mathers: The Soulja Boy-less version of “Delirious” is neck and neck with “You Belong With Me” for my song of the year, so it was never not going to take this division for me (5 points), even with that tacked on verse at the beginning (it’s not bad, but anything in the song that’s not the chorus is kind of a waste of time). Then I’m in an odd position, because those Florence + The Machine and Yeah Yeah Yeahs singles are both great, but neither of them are the best single the band’s produced this year. Honestly, in a “Zero”/”Drumming Song” showdown I don’t even know who I’d pick, but as much as I like “Heads Will Roll” it’s far from the second best song on It’s Blitz! (2 points) and “Raise It Up (Rabbit Heart)” is nearly as great as “Drumming Song” so it gets the edge (3 points). I don’t care much about Maxwell (0 points) or Medina (aside from thinking both singles have been overrated by our lovely Jukebox writers); I neither like nor dislike either song, but “Kun For Mig” has a better beat and is shorter, so it wins (1 point).

STANDINGS: Yeahs 19, Medina 18, Maxwell 14, Bosses 14, Florence 12

Chuck Eddy: Clearly the women win here — especially the ones who like *Alice In Wonderland.* Hey, I’m a Grace Slick fan, too! But Florence sounds like she has considerably more fun pulling rabbits out of hats (5 points) than Karen O does chopping heads off (3 points). (Their ’09 albums were probably equally overrated overall.) As for Vistoso Bosses, I guess I’m just not charmed enough by their theoretical cuteness (1 point) to ignore how meh their voices sound; though maybe I’d be more charitable if Soulja didn’t drag them down. And I’d probably like Maxwell more if he made instrumental albums (0 points).

Chuck Eddy also gave Medina 2 points, but he doesn’t like to talk about it.

STANDINGS: Yeahs 22, Medina 20, Florence 17, Bosses 15, Maxwell 14

Andrew Brennan: “Rabbit Heart” is better than everything else in this group (5 points) because it has one of the most powerful and beautiful choruses of 2009. The synth progressions and vocal delivery in “Heads Will Roll” are great, and I love how all the different layers and textures work together. It isn’t the anthem that “Rabbit Heart” is (3 points), but it’s better than the rest: “Kun for Mig” is a bit too repetitive for its own good — the minimal backbeat and synth work, and I like the Everything But The Girl vibe, but its lack of sophistication puts it in third here (2 points); “Delirious” isn’t bad, but it also isn’t good — the Soulja Boy rap in the beginning is really off-putting, and overall the song is just boring (1 point); and Maxwell… blah. This (0 points) starts out whiny and slow, then it dials up a ‘lo-fi’ tropical feeling that I’d probably enjoy more if it lacked the vocal.

STANDINGS: Yeahs 25, Medina 22, Florence 22, Bosses 16, Maxwell 14

If we were to end it here, Medina would go through by virtue of having scored higher in the regular season. We have one vote left.

But first –Lord Cut Glass didn’t manage to qualify, but he’s still the people’s champ, so here’s “Look After Your Wife”:

Tremendous. But now, back to the action. Medina vs. Machine. Deciding who goes through to the second round, it’s…

Tom Ewing: I’ve listened to “Rabbit Heart” more than any other song this year — to my somewhat shock — so the least it deserves is an admission that YES FLORENCE I LOVE YOU or at least I love this song and its absurd Joseph Cambell histrionics (5 points). Midas is King! Raise it up! Vistoso Bosses on the other hand is quite new to me but is so gorgeous and tender on first listen that it (3 points) muscles out “Heads Will Roll” which is only my fourth favourite thing on It’s Blitz! (2 points) anyhow. “Off with your head! Dance till you’re dead!” is the hook line of my year mind you. Medina is poised, sad Europop that will get admiring 8 out of 10s as long as there’s a Jukebox, and good for it (1 point). Maxwell? I like it but I like the album as a whole: the “it’s not you, it’s me” of single reviewing (0 points).

FINAL STANDINGS:

1. Yeah Yeah Yeahs, “Heads Will Roll” – 27 points
2. Florence and the Machine, “Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)” – 27 points
Yeah Yeah Yeahs finish top by virtue of getting a higher score in the regular season
3. Medina, “Kun For Mig “ – 23 points
4. Vistoso Bosses ft. Soulja Boy, “Delirious” – 19 points
5. Maxwell, “Bad Habits” – 14 points

—

Well. Well well well. Another six finishes like that, and my theoretical grandchildren will never be hearing the end of it. Florence’s finishing flourish propels her into the last sixteen at the expense of the plucky young Dane, and is very nearly enough to topple Karen O and chums — on this kind of form, who knows what she might do? At the same time, the closeness of this finish can’t bode well for the snazzy New York outfit’s chances in the later stages, particularly in light of T-Swizzle’s cakewalk earlier today. Poor Vistoso Bosses never really got going, but they’ve an awful lot of future to look ahead to; as for Maxwell… well, who’s saying we’ve seen the last of him?

Tune in tomorrow to see if “Zero” leaves a bigger impression on the voters in Group 3, and whether “Fifteen” can continue Her Serene Blondeness’ domination of our hearts in Group 4. Also – lesbians, ninjas, and MSG up the wazoo. Keep it locked, kids…

Phil Liggett: Hello, and welcome to the first group match of the 2009 Singles Jukebox Year-End Best-Off. It’s a gorgeous morning here in East Yorkshire — the sun is shining, the rain hasn’t started falling yet, and it’s warm enough that I can even feel some of my toes. Joining me today, as always, is Paul Sherwen, and we’re going to be previewing the action in what looks on paper to be a very closely fought battle between five of the biggest pop songs this year.

Paul Sherwen: That’s right Phil, and as closely fought as the battle between these five big pop songs is likely to be today, there’s one overwhelming favourite in this field — and that’s Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me”. The highest scorer in the regular season by a long way, most of those in the know have picked her to run away with the title, but as we all know, it’s not the size of the marathon in the sprint, it’s the size of the glasses on the face, and glasses don’t get much bigger than hers.

Liggett: That’s right Paul. Now, of course, some have said that her use of said glasses, coupled with her decision to communicate with boys solely through the form of notepads and marker pens, should have been cracked down on by the commission, but they’ve chosen to allow it — would you say that’s the right call there, Paul?

Sherwen: Absolutely the right call, Phil — what you have to understand is that pop has moved on from the days of “Together in Electric Dreams”. Kids today communicate in all kinds of different ways, not just by having their lyrics displayed on the LED display of a nearby launderette.

Liggett: And quite right too. Now, looking at the rest of the field, our next highest-scorer in this group might come as a bit of a surprise — Royksopp’s “This Must Be It”.

Sherwen: That’s right Phil, the big Norwegians made a bit of a late charge to come through the pack and qualify for the main event, but with a 7.44 score and the vocal power of Her Out Of The Knife on vocals, they’ve earned their place here, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned in all our years of doing this, it’s to never rule out men with shitty facial hair, because more often than not, that shitty facial hair is hiding a chin, and if you’ve got a chin, you’ve got a chance.

Liggett: Wise words indeed, there, Paul. Another controversial entry takes the third slot — Miley Cyrus’s “Party In The USA”.

Sherwen: Lot of controversy about this one, Phil, not just because of her aggressive refusal to wear any trousers, but also because she has recently admitted to having never heard a song by Jay-Z, despite the fact that she claims to have done so in the lyrics of this single. To put that into context, back when I was riding the Tour, myself and Sean Kelly would often talk about our love for the music of Sting, but I know that if Big Sean were to discover that, contrary to the lyrics of “Russians”, Sting had not actually read a book by Nabokov, then he and Sting would have had words — at the very least.

Liggett: And quite right too. Jay-Z, of course, or the Jiggaman, as I call him — big hello to you if you’re watching, Jay. Now, the fourth song today is a bit of a surprise, certainly not one I’d have expected to see in the final shake-up, but it’s here, and I for one am glad it’s here: “Blame It” by Jamie Foxx and T-Pain.

Sherwen: Yes, well, he’s come a long way, Phil, certainly, from stand-up comedy to winning an Oscar, all the way to hanging out with Jake Gyllenhaal — not bad for a man who once starred in The Jamie Foxx Show, which, as my good friend Lance Armstrong once pointed out, was the equivalent of washing your eyes with a bowl of hot cat’s piss.

Liggett: Indeed it was, though we should of course point out that’s still far preferable to that god-awful thing Flavor Flav starred in. Whatever the hell that was. Anyway, if you thought that was an outsider, then the final song in this group has practically never heard of the building — it’s Dirty Projectors’ “Stillness is the Move”, which has done incredibly well to even get this far, seeing as how it could only score a measly 5.00 during the regular season.

Sherwen: Yes Phil, it takes a particular kind of courage to come back from being officially rated worse than Aqua on no less than two separate occasions, but if there’s one thing this outfit have shown throughout this year, it’s that there’s no limit to what you can achieve with determination, hard work, and three lisping girls dressed in glorified bedsheets.

Liggett: And quite right too. Anyhow, we’re about to get underway, so I’ll just remind you of what’s happening today — ten Jukebox writers were randomly drawn to rate these songs, with each writer giving their favourite five points, three points to their second favourite, two points to third, one point for fourth, and no points for the song that comes last. Once all the scores have been totted up, the top two scorers go through to the second round of the competition. Couldn’t be simpler. So without further ado, it’s time to hand over to the man who had his bed specifically built so it’s impossible for him to get out on the right side of it, Mr Al Shipley, to get us underway!

—

Al Shipley: “Blame It” (5 points) has been my jam of the year since February with its giddy jiggly swing and constant spiraling array of hooks, but I’ll grudgingly hand Swifty well earned runner-up status (3 points) for that irresistible chorus that eventually broke down my resistance. Hadn’t heard Dirty Projectors (2 points) or Royksopp (1 point) before, but they were pleasantly not my thing and unpleasantly not my thing, respectively. It’s not rockist to hate Miley (0 points) for singing a so-so pop song celebrating pop music and then turn around and say she doesn’t like pop music and just needed something to promote her clothing line, it’s common fucking sense.

STANDINGS: Foxx 5, Swift 3, Projectors 2, Royksopp 1, Cyrus 0

Alex Macpherson: It’s a close-run thing between this group’s two best songs. The woozy, boozy, head-nodding haze of “Blame It” was one of 2009’s two great drinking songs, Electrik Red’s “Drink In My Cup” being the other, but while the latter is, like, totally wasted and wild, Foxx and Pain still have a semblance of smoothness. At the other end of the spectrum, “You Belong With Me” was Taylor Swift’s peppiest, clean-cut moment. The immediacy and obviousness of each belied their perfectly judged details; the boys get the top spot (5 points) because, as great as “You Belong With Me” (3 points) is, it’s still only the fifth or sixth best track on its parent album. Next is Miley (2 points) and a song which would have stuck a lot more had it actually been the kind of ubiquitous hit that it was fishing so hard to be; as it was, I caned it for a week and haven’t gone back to it since, apart from when it emerged that the girl had never heard a Jay-Z song in the first place. Karin Dreijer Andersson adds a slight and much-needed edge to “This Must Be It” (1 point), enough to make it a decent enough listen, but not enough to overcome Röyksopp’s extraordinary ability to make absolutely every possible sound and emotion evoke nothing more or less than a car advert. Still, a lot better than yelping Brooklyn bores Dirty Projectors (0 points), who really need to go away right now because I am starting to worry about Solange Knowles.

STANDINGS: Foxx 10, Swift 6, Projectors 2, Royksopp 2, Cyrus 2

Erika Villani: I like pop music. Not ironically, not subversively — I like pop music. I like what it does to people, what it expresses for them, what it makes them feel. My musical ideal, the standard up to which every other song must live, is the night I witnessed a house full of inebriated twentysomethings — some hipsters, some classic rock fans, some with a pure and undying love of DMX — singing at the top of their lungs to Miley Cyrus’s “See You Again.” Which is why Miley’s “Party in the USA”, a pop song about liking pop songs, unquestionably takes number one (5 points), with Taylor Swift (3 points) right behind. Dirty Projectors ride the momentum of Solange’s excellent cover to number three (2 points), and Royskopp feat. Karin Dreijer Andersson get number four (1 point), mostly because that was the only place left for them, what with Jamie Foxx and T-Pain being destined to come in last (0 points).

STANDINGS: Foxx 10, Swift 9, Cyrus 7, Projectors 4, Royksopp 3

Mallory O’Donnell: Between the manufactured oddness of Dirty Projectors (1 point) and the au naturel Nordic nobbiness of Royksopp (5 points), the choice is obvious: goblins over elves. Both Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift peddle a very middle American notion of individuality, but I’d buy Swift (3 points) as a nerd (as unbelievable as that may be) before I support Cyrus as some kind of legitimate hybrid who really enjoys the work of Jay-Z, rather than the trained pop poodle she so obviously is (0 points). Smack in the middle we have Jamie Foxx (2 points), because that’s where everything ends up when you autotune the living hell out of it.

STANDINGS: Foxx 12, Swift 12, Royksopp 8, Cyrus 7, Projectors 5

Rodney J. Greene: Given my usual predilections, I feel odd putting the DPs’ faux-Top 40 R&B (5 points) over Foxx-Pain’s actual Top 40 R&B (3 points), but damn if they didn’t earn it. Their spiky, pristine guitars have an energy lost in the slurry soundscape of “Blame It,” and while they can’t match T-Pain for bugged-out humor, Amber Coffman at least shows more personality than Jamie Foxx. While I don’t have particular use for either, I have no qualms whatsoever about taking Taylor’s earnest Disney country-pop (2 points) over Miley’s more guileful version of same (0 points). Karin’s work outside the Knife has failed to engage me thus far (1 point).

STANDINGS: Foxx 15, Swift 14, Projectors 10, Royksopp 9, Cyrus 7

Chris Boeckmann: Miley: yes, we appreciate honesty. But when the truth is that you’re a lame hack who’s never really heard a Jay-Z song, maybe you should, like, rely on ambiguity. And it’s a shame, too, as the songwriting is incredible and the production is slick! Anyway, sick of looking at you (0 points). I’ve listened to Royksopp multiple times over the past couple of months trying to remember why my fellow Jukeboxers loved them. And I sort of see it — the atmosphere is great! — but it’s just sort of too nice and boring? In any case, I’d rather listen to the Fever Ray album (1 point). Taylor — now we’re finally up to the masterpieces, and I hate to do this (2 points) to you, but, well, JAMIE FOXX HAD ONE OF THE GREATEST PARTY SINGLES EVER (3 points), and that leaves us with the Dirty Projectors, who have crafted what is quite possibly my favorite single of the year. It’s hooky, weird and perfectly executed. That point near the end, you know, where Amber’s vocals escalate to full-on belt? Maybe the only time this year where I’ve genuinely felt chills down my spine (5 points).

STANDINGS: Foxx 18, Swift 16, Projectors 15, Royksopp 10, Cyrus 7

Renato Pagnani: Deciding between “This Must Be It” (off the excellent Junior) and one of Swift’s shiny pop gems for the top spot in this group was settled only by the fact that “You Belong With Me” isn’t my favourite song from Fearless (3 points). That and as much as I love Karin Dreijer Andersson exploring the depths of the warped and the sinister things that lurk in the corners of our minds with her brother Olof, or the warmer (relatively speaking) and more arid tones of her solo work as Fever Ray, there’s just something about the way Röyksopp can get Andersson out of her own head for a few minutes, the way she instinctively knows what to do over their Scandinavian electro-pop, that does it for me (5 points). I actually think I like “Blame It” (1 point) better than “Stillness is the Move” (2 points), and would’ve ranked it higher were it not for the fact the song would’ve been a bajillion times better were it a solo T-Pain song. The less said about Miley Cyrus (0 points) the better. I heard the song she did with Timbaland off the upcoming Shock Value 2: even Timbo can’t work miracles.

STANDINGS: Foxx 19, Swift 19, Projectors 17, Royksopp 15, Cyrus 7

Dan MacRae: The 1-2 ranking of Miley (5 points) and Taylor (3 points) has nothing to do with the screenplay I plan to write about the pair solving mysteries (Cyrus n’ Swift: Detective Pals), but is instead an assertion of my belief that “Party” and “Belong” are transcendent pop treasures. It’s a special league of pop song where even the hokiest traits become endearing quirks that demand championing (what unilingual American kid uses the term “taximan”?). I sing along, I root for the narrator, I play it again. Miley gets the edge for the steamroller of a chorus, if we’re investigating the podium rankings. “Stillness Is The Move” (2 points) has a serpentine charm that gets run through a Neo Geo machine with pleasant enough results. Amber Coffman’s vocals bear a bit of a resemblance to The Blow in my brain, so I’m probably judging this a bit more softly than I should. On the other hand, I’ve been caught off guard by how dull I find “This Must Be It” (1 point). There’s so much globbed on to this that I feel like I’m listening to one big smudge. The scissor-sounding percussion sounds neat, though. I’d like to hear a song based around that. But now, I have learned that most of the orchestra is having their appendixes removed, so without further ado, I give you the remnants of the Springfield Elementary School Orchestra: on saxophone, Lisa Simpson, on triangle, Martin Prince, and with a Vocoder up his nose, Jamie Foxx (0 points).

STANDINGS: Swift 22, Foxx 19, Projectors 19, Royksopp 16, Cyrus 12

Alex Ostroff: When in doubt, iTunes stats don’t lie. I’ve listened to “You Belong With Me” and “Stillness is the Move” more than most songs released this year – exactly the same number of times, in fact. Dirty Projectors move your brain and your ass, impressing with its strange harmonies and heady guitar trills, while compelling awkward spastic motion with its perfectly placed off-kilter beats. Taylor edges them out, though, by stealing your heart (5 points). Angel Deradoorian might inform us of her longing “in every city…for a bigger city,” but her wanderlust, though beautiful, never feels more than abstract (3 points). Taylor’s world is smaller – never needing to light up more than ‘this whole town’ – but her longing is palpable, willing a relationship into existence with her sheer depth of feeling. Karin Dreijer Andersson’s voice is a remarkable instrument, and while Fever Ray has been one of my favourite albums of the year, I somehow avoided hearing “This Must Be It” until this very moment. It’s a pleasure to hear her voice wrapped around something vaguely celebratory, and the longing conveyed even in the midst of house pianos and rolling electronics suggests that she has a future career in disco. That said, Royskopp’s track simply doesn’t approach the sheer brilliance and oddity and depth of Karin’s production on Fever Ray (2 points). Blame It is a gleeful, stupid, hilarious earworm and if there was any justice, it would have broken the Peas run and snagged a #1 this summer. Even if it doesn’t match up to the depth of thought and feeling presented by the women, the a-a-a-a-alcohol alone would guarantee it the top spot on nearly any other list (1 point). And as for Miley’s second cross-over single? Well, it’s nowhere near as brilliant as “See You Again”, and she’s apparently pretending to have never actually heard a Jay-Z track, in a baffling attempt to either snag country cred or piss me off. There was a week-long period this summer where I would have insisted that this was the best single of the year — a feel-good track about reviving the monoculture! A better version of J-Lo’s Play! But the brain-bludgeoning chorus wears thin on the 40th spin or so, and then you’re stuck at a Party with Miley, drinking alcohol-free punch and doing the Hoedown Throwdown, with no one to Blame It on but yourself (0 points).

STANDINGS: Swift 27, Projectors 22, Foxx 20, Royksopp 18, Cyrus 12

Ian Mathers: I didn’t like “This Must Be It” much when we blurbed it, and it’s a sign of the weakness of this group that it still comes in second, and easily so (3 points). Taylor Swift’s finest four minutes would mop the floor with any of our divisions, but putting her up against indie pabulum, pop idiocy and risible, AutoTuned-to-death R’n’B just isn’t fair (5 points). I have come around to the stiff first two minutes of “Stillness Is the Move” a bit, and if the track ended at about 2:17 it’d be a pleasingly odd little interlude. Instead we get a band striving way too hard for fireworks and coming up with a damp squib. Those first two minutes just barely elevate it (2 points) over Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” (1 point), which at least has a great chorus melody – so great, in fact, that the lyrics would have to be truly dire to sink it, and while I could tolerate them back when we blurbed the song, familiarity has brought increasing amounts of contempt. “Blame It,” meanwhile, has lyrics every bit as bad (and possibly more objectionable) than Cyrus’ song, but no indelible chorus to salvage it (0 points). Against all that, I can overlook how silly Karin Dreijer Andersson sounds on the chorus of “This Must Be It” and just appreciate Royksopp’s finely tooled whoosh, even if it also doesn’t have a hope in hell of beating a song that makes a virtue out of how heartfelt and soaring its cliches are.

FINAL STANDINGS:

1. Taylor Swift, “You Belong With Me” – 32 points
2. Dirty Projectors, “Stillness is the Move” – 24 points
3. Royksopp ft. Karin Dreijer Andersson, “This Must Be It” – 21 points
4. Jamie Foxx ft. T-Pain, “Blame It” – 20 points
5. Miley Cyrus, “Party in the USA” – 13 points

—

And so it’s a win for Taylor Swift, qualifying top of the group, no real surprise there – but a huge shock sees plucky Brooklyn waifs Dirty Projectors making a late charge to snaffle the second qualifying spot from plucky Scandinavian waifs Royksopp and Filthy O’Boozehound. As for Miley Cyrus, well, that’ll teach her for running her mouth about her record collection, which, as a decade of the internet has taught me, just is not the thing to do these days.

Join us later today for all the action from the second of our first-round clashes, which sees a bloodthirsty werewolf taking on Soulja Boy. You know you ain’t wanting to miss that…

Good afternoon, and hello. Welcome to The Singles Jukebox, where today we’re beginning what many pundits across the globe have called the greatest end-of-year something since Pitchfork something something Radiohead rhubarb rhubarb Kelly Clarkson thingummy doo-dah “Independent Women Part 1” beeswax logjam hummana-hummana five-goal thriller at Vicarage Road.

In contrast to most other music websites, who have opted for the more traditional list format that has served the music press so well ever since Jules Rimet controversially put George Gershwin behind Aaron Copeland and Uruguay in 1930’s seminal Fin du Termin de l’Autobus du Saxophone, the Jukebox has decided to determine the best single of the year via a World Cup-esque tournament method.

40 songs have been chosen to participate – the top 16 scorers from the regular Jukebox season, accompanied by 24 other songs that the Jukebox has reviewed this year, which were voted for by the Jukebox’s writership. They have been sorted into eight groups of five, with each writer voting on two groups, ranking the five songs within each group in order of preference – the top song scoring five points, second scoring three, third scoring two, fourth scoring one, and the fifth scoring zero. Particular spice has been added to the group stages since the Jukebox commission can’t remember if they told anyone that this was how the scoring was going to work.

The two top-scoring songs in each group will then proceed to the knockout stages of the tournament, where things become slightly simpler. Two songs pitted head to head, with the song that attracts most votes in its favour going through. Songs will proceed in this manner through the second round (American sports fans may know this as the “lake of fire”), quarter-finals (“hammer of the Scots”), and semi-finals (“Lark Rise to Candleford”), before we finally arrive at the final, where two songs will battle it out to determine which is the Best Single Of The Year 2009 – or, as Americans would call it, the “Deacon Blue”.

All this will unfurl over the next two weeks – the results of the group stages will be published between Monday and Wednesday, with second-round matches following on Thursday and Friday. Quarter-final matches will be posted next Monday and Tuesday, with the semi-final matches on Wednesday, and the final taking place next Friday, the 18th of December. The Jukebox commission has announced that “something” will “probably” go up between the semi-finals and the final, “but not a third-place play-off, because they’re always shit”.

Before we go, a quick note on the name of the tournament – the phrase “Best-Off” has been used to signify that the singles in the tournament all have a certain degree of bestness by managing to qualify for the tournament. However, since the tournament has been designed for the purposes of finding one ultimate winner, the Jukebox commission has decided that said winner should be seen as being the “most best”, or “having the greatest degree of bestness”. Hence, “Best-Off” – the act of placing singles in direct competition to see which one has the greatest degree of bestness. The phrase should not be confused with “Best Of”, which signifies either that you are in a McDonalds in France or you are listening to an album by The Beautiful South.

Let the games begin!

BREAKING NEWS: The Jukebox commission has announced that the first group stage will be published “later this evening”. In a statement, the commission announced that this was because “some of us have to work for a living”.

And so TUNES RECOVERY PROJECT comes to a close. Tune in on Monday, when our year-end shenanigans (and oh my, are they ever shenaniganny) begin…

[Video][Website]
[6.60]

Martin Skidmore: The one new track on their Best Of album, and it’s written and produced by Richard X. They’re a good fit, unsurprisingly, and I’ve always liked Sarah Cracknell’s voice. It also has a perky tune, and is generally thoroughly enjoyable. I don’t see it taking a place alongside their greatest moments, but it’s one of the best new tracks on best ofs that I can recall.
[8]

Alex Macpherson: By now, it’s only to be expected that Saint Etienne are capable of providing pretty electropop sounds on autopilot. Sadly, the song also seems to have been written on autopilot, and Sarah Cracknell sings it as though doing tedious data entry work.
[4]

Rodney J. Greene: Ethereal, somewhat featureless Euro-pop long on poise and short on brass ovaries. Seems to be about sex, but also afraid of bodily fluids. Forgive me if I prefer pop stars who can get a bit undignified at times.
[5]

Mallory O’Donnell: Generic well-produced handbag house with a little too much vocal. I don’t know why I always expect more from Saint Etienne when I am always, always disappointed.
[4]

Ian Mathers: Not only do they not cover the Hall & Oates chestnut (the way they did Neil Young), but Saint Etienne’s “Method of Modern Love” might actually be as good as its namesake. The compact synth burble of the music and that wide-open chorus would both be okay on their own, but married together I could comfortably listen to this for a few hours on repeat.
[8]

Keane Tzong: Had I reviewed this when it was released, I probably would have underrated it: Richard X sparkle production, Sarah Cracknell vocal, ho-hum, play it out and leave it to rot in my iTunes forever. But this has proved surprisingly sturdy over the course of this year, revealing itself to be much more like Richard X’s best productions than his more pedestrian ones. That’s all down to its lightness — “Method” benefits tremendously from a surprisingly deft touch on both the part of its producer and its performer. I suppose some might consider it faint praise to say that this makes other dance tracks of a similar nature (see: Kylie’s “The One”) seem leaden and dull by comparison, but that’s all I’ve got to recommend my favorite single of the year, somehow.
[10]

Edward Okulicz: Richard X’s best song in ages, and St Etienne’s too — he’s always worked best with technically limited but expressive women, and Sarah Cracknell is in full “angel of suburbia” mode here. She dispenses words of wisdom to keep your head spinning out of control with your heart while the music — galloping, thrilling electropop — does the opposite, sounding like falling helplessly head over heels. The hooks come thick and fast — both with the wearily wise lyrics and the “whoa whoa whoa” parts — and it’s like the great post-Come And Get It Rachel Stevens single some of us prayed for.
[10]

Martin Kavka: The Jukebox began its new life with a whole bunch of tepid 7’s and 8’s to Pet Shop Boys’ “Love Etc.” It would be fitting for it to end its first calendar year on the same note. For on paper, the marriage of Saint Etienne and Richard X seems ideal. But there’s so much shine that the song is always on the verge of becoming a repulsive ray of blinding light; everything is so sparkly, and everything seems buried in the mix. And after listening to this for an entire year, I still can’t figure out whether the lyrics of the verses are further expressions of how modern love goes, or their dreamy Romantic critique of modern love’s opportunism and cheapness. Still, I dance to this song in my office somewhat regularly.
[7]

Additional Scores

Matt Cibula: [4]
Chuck Eddy: [6]